Lou1999

Hello

I am hoping that someone might be able to offer some advice, especially if you have been through a similar situation.

My husband and I met at school, went to Uni together and got married last year. We are both 26 and have now been together for nearly 10 years.

I have never ever doubted that he is exactly what I want. I love him so much and we have a wonderful live. (no kids yet). We don't really argue, both have good jobs, and have great friends. We are both considerate of each other and I never imagined anything would ever be different. I've always felt so loved.

He dropped the bombshell last November, suddenly telling me that he is no longer in love with me. He said it was devestating to have to say it to me, but that he didn't think we should stay married. This was only about 8 months after we got married. Initially, that night he insisted that we stay at our parents then try and figure out the next step. 24hrs later I managed to persuade him that we should go home, have counselling and try and come up with a decision together, which he agreed to.

We have had counselling, together and seperately, and I have found it useful, but we seem to talk and talk and not do anything.

I realise that if he doesn't love me, then it makes sense that he doesn't necessarily want to save the marriage, and any goal-based therapy like CBT probably won't work. Does anyone have experience of this? I assume that it's usually used in cases where both parties love each other but have an issue to overcome, like anger, or substance abuse.

I'm grasping at straws, he cares for me and worries about how I'm feeling, but says the missing factor is the crucial one. Sorry for writing such a long post. If anyone has any input I would be very greatful.
xx

sisters359

I am on the other side of this, the one who is not in love anymore, after 20 years of marriage, 25 years together. It's been this way for a long time, however.

I've asked a similar question and basically I hear it is possible to recapture the feelings, but no one has been able to tell me "how," or what might be good indicators that I will be able to. So if your husband is willing to try, then it is worth the effort. In the meantime, you should be thinking about what YOU need and about the possibility of a future without him, too. Being a confident, independent person yourself will never be a bad thing even if the marriage survives and flourishes.

Best of luck.

Lou1999

thank you Sisters. I know this is what I need to focus on, and it's hard because I've always thought of myself as independent, but always in the context of this relationship (since i was 16). I think he is willing to try, but he worries that we have different goals and that it will be painfully pointless. 'Recapturing the feelings' seems to be the key...if only we knew where they are.
xx

wonder

I'm going through what you're going through lou. my husband said he's not in love w/ me anymore and we've also been together wince we were teenagers. i've figured out what my husband's problem is. he didn't get to experience life, going out partying, dating a lot, that kind of stuff.
were you 2 together the entire 10 yrs? any breaks where you guys saw other people? if not, i'm willing to bet your husband's going through what mine is and there's not much you can do about it. he has to work it out on his own.

sorry i'm not much help, if i was of any help, i wouldn't be having the same problem

Lou1999

Thank you Wonder

I know that the fact we were together so young is a factor. We've been solid since we were 16 so we grew up together. He says that we made all our decisions as teenagers and that thing have changed. I strongly feel that the decision making has been an ongoing process. I thought that we were 'different' and that we could survive anything. I guess everyone thinks that at some point.

I really appreciate your input, I've never really used forums before and I feel so much better today already. I guess interacting with others who know where I'm coming from is pretty positive.
xx

mommydrgnfly

ok, well have not been with my husband for years lol, but we were best friends for 2 years and than got married last Sept.. so not even a year yet.. the day BEFORE Valentines.. yes I said valentines.. mine tells me he does not love me anymore and only has been saying it for some time because he felt "obligated".. it hurts.. we've done counceling and communicating at home.. but nothing is working.. he won't even hug me, kiss me or even tell me the truth about certain things.. every marriage is different..i will post a thread on mine so you can see where I am at with mine.. but hang in there! Do what you feel is best sweety.. we can NOT make someone love us.. it is VERY difficult to get love back once gone for some people.. so it all depends on him. Sorry I am not much help. I am here for ya though to listen

Precious327

Hi. I'm new here but came for the same reason. After being with my husband for 27yrs, 22yrs married, he tells me that I should file for a divorce and find someone to love me. He had an affair last year while working out of state for 7mos. Think that he thinks that he fell in love but I have spoke with her and from what I got out of it was they are both liers. How could real love be based on lies told by both partners? The other woman has since moved on to someone else but my fool thinks that I'[m too blame for why he isn'[t happy. Anybody have any thoughts on how to stop loving this man?