kdes123

I started dating my husband in 2009 and i had a strong attraction to him at first. Its like i was blinded by our complete differences and we dated about 10 months when i found out i was pregnant. We were kind of having issued but it had gotten a lot better when i found out about the pregnancy. I was happy and scared at the same time and he was pretty distant about it until half way through. He proposed to me during the pregnancy and we got married about 2 months before. Even the night before the marriage i was uncertain if i was doing the right thing because we got into an arguement. He came home from his bachelors party and was the drunkest i had ever seen him. we did a court house marriage because we are both military and didnt have the ability to do a full wedding. Well he barely was coherant for it. and when we went to eat--he just complained bout his hang over and then slept the whole day while i watched tv. it just didnt feel right. I feel as though its never really felt RIGHT. Our life is just really bland to me. I am REALLY outgoing and love to go out and talk to people and he is so quiet and reserved. I want my degree and to pursue a different career than the military and he takes 1 or 2 classes a year. He just sits and doesnt talk when we go out together. Even we dont talk much and I have frustrations about it as well as our intimate life. none of his friends are really my friends..We have only been married a year and half and we have brought up divorce a couple times. I dont feel happy. its like sometimes the only thing we have in common is our daughter. I can tell this isnt right or that maybe i just am not attracted as i was before because I am starting to notice guys when before, i never really looked any way. But now we have a daughter and we are moving to Japan in november (were both active duty military). We have been through so much and i really do love him...but i sometimes question if i actually fell in love with him or if it was just infatuation at first and then the newness wore off. he treats me well but idk what to do. he doesnt like counseling and I dont want us to be seperated for our daughter but i just dont think i can be with him. and i almost feel like i have a dependance on him because we have a good lifestyle and decent finances but i dont want to be dependant on him or what we have. Like im scared to leave cuz of the major changes and that ill be a single mom etc. Its scary cuz for 3 years this is all ive known. Is there anyone that can just give me insight to what i am feeling. I dont want to say ive failed in a marriage or upset him or our family. I just dont want to cheat or wake up one day and feel as though my life wasted by...

HiMaint57

Hi kdes,

I'm surprised that no one has answered your post yet. I don't want you to feel ignored. There really is a lot of good advice and support on this forum.

I think what you're feeling is regret that you married him. You got married because you were pregnant, right? Otherwise you would've probably dated longer before considering marriage. This probably caused your doubts the night before the wedding -- your H probably had reservations about getting married as well (maybe that's why he got so trashed the night before the wedding -- never seemed like a smart time to have the bachelor party). So you got married due to a pregnancy (and the wedding day left a lot to be desired), now everyday life is setting in and the infatuation has gone away. Now you're finding that you don't have much in common personality-wise. You probably did what seemed the best at the time, but if you got married solely because of the pregnancy and now you're seeing significant obstacles in the relationship, it may be best to divorce and chalk this one up to experience.

As for your daughter, she won't be happy living in a home where her parents don't want to be together. Kids are so perceptive about things like that no matter how hard you try to hide it. You and your husband sound like you could get along well enough to have a successful joint custody arrangement if you want.

These are just my thoughts. Best to you!

madteach

kdes,

I totally get it when you say that it has never really felt "right". I use the exact same words when I describe my marriage.

I am also an outgoing, talkative person. H is quiet and reserved and would never initiate conversation. Only answers yes or no.

I didn't think that anyone would understand how uncomfortable it is to have dinner with your own husband and to have nothing to say to each other... that uncomfortable silence that is only felt by strangers... having to look away to avoid eye contact.

I have always felt that something was missing. I even told myself that maybe he was gay.

I don't know what to tell you. I, myself, am struggling with whether to stay or leave. At least you can have the comfort of knowing that you are not alone in feeling this.

I see the connection that other couples have, and it makes me cry.

I also don't want to wake up one day to feel like I wasted my life with someone because I wanted to make a marriage work.

I can't give you advice... just the knowledge that I am going through the exact same thing.

lovingsummer

First I want to thank you for your service... I wanted to let you know that I understand your feeling as well... My husband and I were "together" for 2 months when I got pregnant (we'd known eachother longer but had lost contact for a few years so we didn't really KNOW eachother) we didn't get married until after we had another child and bought a house (4 1/2 years)... My H does not talk either... I am very outgoing, talk to people in the stores, etc. he doesn't like people, talk... nothing... This can be soooo frustrating sometimes not to mention lonely There is a natural shift in relationships (I like him, I wanna choke him, he's the best!!, Did he REALLY just do that??, I love him) You may just be going through that natural shift??? I would still go for your degree regardless of what he does for now... You may end up chalking this one up as experience or stay together for 20 years like my H and I but either way, you'll have something to fall back on for you and your daughter... I wish I had advice for you that would help, I would do things different in my marriage if I was to go back but I still would've married him...