Join Date: Jul 2012
| | Not who I thought I was marrying
First marriage. Married 3 years. No kids. Own a house, though we are currently selling house (too big) and plan to rent apartment in the city for convenience.
We don't have sex enough - no one has sex when they are married right? When we do, it's her decision (perhaps once a month if I'm lucky) and it sucks anyway. I honestly do not remember it being that bad when we dated. This, however, is the most minor issue.
We both have great, secure jobs. We each have seperate bank accounts and a joint account. My school loan and the mortgage is our only debt.
Before we were married we discussed having kids. We both agreed we were not in a big hurry ("we don't want kids now," we said). After we married (within a month), she stated she didn't want kids because she's afraid they will be born mentally retarded and it will "mess up her body." She's not a model folks. She's an average, everyday lady with curves. Hey, I understand, she doesn't want kids and I support that. You don't want kids, that's fine. However, I have always and still want kids, but I'm not going to "talk her into it" if she doesn't want them. This is my biggest fear - her getting pregnant only to make me happy. This happens, right?
It seems like she is nagging me ALL THE TIME. I know a lot of the time she is trying to help, but it's constant, often condescending, and in a format that does not work well for me.
-"Did you want me to turn off the stove top?"
-"Did you mean to turn left here?"
-"We are going to the store, right?"
They are numerous and every day.
She's very insecure. She asks me on multiple occasions, "are you mad at me?" I'm taking a breath over here. It's silly. We have had our arguments. They are calm and rational. They usually stem from me attempting to communicate my stress and desire to facilitate discussion on what I need and how I can give her what she needs so that we are in a shared relationship and both parties are getting what they need from it. I feel they go well. I make some adjustments on my end - listen more, talk more, talk less, ask her about her day, help around the house - no change and "sorries" on her end.
She also acts as though she doesn't trust me much. I have given her NO reason, answer her questions, and reassured her on multiple occasions that she's my lady, I love her, and she's special to me.
-"Who was on the phone?"
-"Where did you go after rehearsal? Who were you with?"
-"Who are you talking to?"
-"What are you looking at?" (EVERYTIME I'm on the internet. SIDEBAR: I'm almost always reading news articles or blogs as I'm a political/news junkie. I sincerely not interested in porn.)
-"Where are you going?"
It's more relentless than the nagging.
She cannot make friends and has no hobbies. She's jealous when I go out by myself or with guy friends, which is rare because she constantly nags me, questioning how much money I have in my bank account and if I'm going to pay for it with my own money or out of our joint account. I try to schedule time for us to be apart, but in the past three years, it's been MAYBE seven nights (not in a row). I just got back from a three-day vacation without her last month and it was most refreshing. I thought she was an extrovert when we met and now she's most content to stay home and sit in front of the TV.
We have very few shared interests but I'm a serial hobbiest. I love to talk philosophy, politics, religion, things that stretch and challenge the mental scape. She has no interest in any such talk. I was genuinely okay with all this at first, but now I'm in serious need of mental stimulation.
I'm very active (and she stated that's what she wanted in a husband when we were dating). I run almost every morning. I go to the gym almost everyday at lunch. I'm not a model, but I'm not in horrible shape.
I have, on multiple occasions, attempted to create a balance of telling her what I want without trying to "change her." I've told how to approach me with subjects so it doesn't come across as nagging (phrase what you want, your intent, in the form of statements and not questions) and no change. She always says, "I'm sorry," but it means nothing. There is no change.
We don't fight much. We've had a few talks here and there
I began toying with divorce after our first few months. It always faded after a few moments. Year two, it cropped up a few more times. I told myself it, hey, normal stuff, right. We just need X or Y or perhaps I should do Z. Most recently, this past week, it's been almost daily. I've looked into financial, housing, equity, and personal belonging exit stratagies.
I love my wife for the person she is, but I'm not in love with her. I don't love her anymore than I love my closest friends. I feel like I'm in survival mode and at times like I'm just supposed to make the most of it. I'm 34. This has nothing to do with another woman. I was NOT miserable as a single person. I don't think marriage is for me.
I have nothing to base what marriage is all about, so any advice is helpful. Is this just business as normal?