vixy

Hi everyone.

I am a 28 year old mother of a 3 year old girl. I have been married to my husband for almost four years.

My husband and I have never been able to fight fairly with each other. Whenever we disagree, my husband tells me he wants a divorce and I beg him to change his mind. He has probably threatened divorce 50 times over the course of our relationship.

For about a month now, he has been consistantly telling me that he is no longer in love with me. He has cited problems such as my not getting along with his mother, my lack of housekeeping skills, and my not allowing him to have a social life outside of me.

He is a recovering drug addict. I knew this when I married him and in all the time I have known him, he has only relapsed twice and then got back on the wagon. I mention this because I think it may provide a clue into his psyche and thought/behavior patterns.

During the past month when he has been telling me he is no longer in love with me, I discovered that he has been going to massage parlors and having sex with prostitutes. His doing this coincides with him telling me he doesn't love me anymore so I wonder if he is pushing me away out of guilt and shame. He says he is a sex addict, but does not seem overly interested in sex with me. He says it is because he is so angry at me over marital issues that it has killed his desire for sex with me. He also indicated that my weight is an issue--and I'm sure it is, as I was 180 pounds when I met him, and after 5 years together and one child, I am 270 pounds. I know I must have a binge eating problem in order for me to have gotten this big, and I am trying to work on my weight for myself and for my marriage.

I don't want to leave him or lose him. I have tried to improve on areas that he thinks need help, such as cleaning better and relating to his mother better. He has noticed my efforts and appreciates them.

At this point, he is saying that he wants to take things one day at a time. He has apologized for seeing prostitutes and promised not to do it again. He is still saying he is not in love with me but as time progresses and he notices me making positive changes, he is indicating that he is willing to try to work on our relationship and to rekindle the love he once had for me. He says more than anything he needs space from me and time to think about his "emotional crises".

He has on the whole been a good husband, except for his divorce threats whenever we argue. We have felt a lack of intimacy from each other for a long time and I would like to know what I should do at this point to keep the marriage together, or if I should be planning for divorce.

I feel that I am in a state of limbo right now and it is not good for my mental health and sanity.

He goes back and forth between wanting to try and make things work and wanting a divorce. He is not sure if his feelings can be rekindled and is not sure if he wants the marriage, but last he told me (last night) he does.

He is interested in spending family time together (planning a family vacation, going to a carnival) but is not interested right now in planning date nights or sex. He is iffy about marriage counseling as we tried it last summer and it "didn't work" (although I feel it's worth a shot again with a different therapist and different issues we're working on).

Help!

Acorn

Vixy, I really do not have a lot of faith that he has your best interest at heart. If you can, try to step outside yourself and look at your dynamic objectively. He's cheating, belittling you, fighting with you, and seems pretty uninspired being married to you at the moment. It might change the way you approach things.

If I take your post at face value, I would say the single biggest thing you could do would be to work on the weight issue. It would be good from a health standpoint, and it may stir some attraction from your husband.

But - to be clear - there is a lot more going on here than a weight issue. It seems like you guys are very co-dependent. Ask yourself what would happen if the next time he threatened divorce, you said ok? Something to consider.

StatusQuo

vixy - The troubling part for me in reading your post was that you were more focused on the things that your husband sees wrong with you, and not so much on the things that he has done to hurt you.

Read your post again, pretend it's about someone else. Would you tell that woman these are things for her to fix, or that her husband needs to fix?

Having sex with prostitutes is not something that a "good husband" does. Telling you it's because of your weight, and because of anger over marital issues is blame-shifting. It's not YOUR fault that he CHOSE to have sex with other women. Don't let him blame you for that, and don't blame yourself for that.

You need to focus on yourself for a little while. If YOU are unhappy with your weight, then spend some time and energy working on that for YOU, not for him.