labuffalo

I am sorry for this rant, but need advice.

I'm 31 years old and my wife of 2 years is 41.

We both meet in DC at a bowling league and have been friends these past 6 years. Our marriage was pleasant but was her idea "its now or never decision" due to her age. I never have been 100% certain of the decision, but decided to do it.

Shortly thereafter we left DC for Buffalo, NY to be near her family in Ontario, Canada, affordable housing and hopefully happiness.

It has been anything but that. We are both miserable here. Buffalo, NY is a depressing place to live full of urban decay, unemployment and crime. Everyone hates it here.

These past few two years we have tried and tried to have kids, including costly fertility treatments. We were incredibly saddened to learn that children were not a possibility with her eggs.

We have both acknowledged that we are both unhappy and would like to leave this place behind. She wants to go back to DC to be near her friends, but I want to move near my family in Cincinnati. She absolutely refuses to consider that idea.

My wife drinks heavily (which i was aware of when i married her), but it has become unbearable at times when she gets intoxicated. She becomes very confrontational and verbally abusive.

Recently, she got drunk on a camping trip together in the finger lakes. After getting drunk she berated me for being introverted and not making friends in Buffalo and then proceeded to drive 3/4 of the way back to Buffalo (1.5 hours away), leaving me behind before coming back at 4am in the morning. This did not sit well with me at all.

A few weeks later we were fighting again after she got tanked at her sisters house on Canada Day. It was all about not being happy, not being able to have kids, not happy together, etc.

After getting home she jumped into her car and got a DUI while i was working on something in the yard. This mistake has cost us $4,000.00 dollars and means we would have to go deeply into debt to afford any further fertility treatments.

After these past incidents I have lost passion in our marriage. At times i feel close to her again, but then i feel very distant. It's almost like I am wasting my youth here. She has traveled the world, her siblings are way older than me and have kids of there own. I almost feel that i am a decade too late and will never enjoy the experiences of growing up with my spouse before getting old.

I have also lost physically attraction to my wife these past few years. She has aged a ton and let herself go, while continuing to smoke. I have tried and tried to curb her bad habits by encouraging her to eat better, get fit, but she just doesn't do it.

In short, I love my wife dearly but feel that i may be torturing myself with unrealistic expectations. She is one of the most caring woman I have ever know, but the drinking the smoking, the sloppy figure, etc are just a huge turnoff.

I am terrified that years down the road I will absolutely regret this marriage and not marrying someone else. I fear that if I don't get out now, I won't know what its like to be with someone young and vigorous and will eventually become extremely bitter towards her as i approach my 40's. Am I wrong here?

I'm also terrified that I could be making the worst decision of my life and letting a truely good person go forever, despite her flaws.

Any advice is appreciated.

summer2339

I'm not sure there is a whole lot that you can do in this situation. It really sounds like there is an alcohol problem and I can tell you from experience that she won't change that until she's ready to make that change. How long are you willing to wait? My advice for one thing would be to stop the fertility treatments! It doesn't sound like you need to bring a baby into an unhappy marriage. It is always hard to admit failure in a marriage. You are young and certainly don't need to be in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life. Is she still attracted to you? Does she think she has an alcohol problem? I feel bad for you, you sound like you've truly tried, hindsight is 20/20, right?

EleGirl

The alcohol abuse would be enough for me to leave. fighting this is a never ending battle.

From what you have said, there is little to nothing good left in the marriage. I wonder if some of your wife's issues are that she has now found out that she cannot have children and she is very much aware that you are close to leaving her. IT sounds to me like she has already given up.

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

synthetic

The beginning and end of all your problems.

You're never going to be happy with her. Ever. I'm sure there were people around you who expressed concerns about marrying a woman 10 years older when you were 29. They were right.

Her drinking, smoking and temper issues are only secondary to the bigger elephant in the room: attraction.

__________________
"Selflessness is just a lofty word for codependency, and it's dysfunctional" - Shari Shreiber

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

labuffalo

I know. I just wish she was 10 years younger and we could work through these troubles. But in reality its probably too late. My friends and family were skeptical of the marriage and still are. Especially mom & dad. I don't think they will ever approve 100%.

labuffalo

Do you think it is a big mistake marrying someone 10 years older than yourself? You see guys doing it all the time with younger woman, but not the other way around. I am beginning to understand why.

I am not sure if its worth visiting a counselor. A counselor can't fix the age difference issue or the alcohol problems? But maybe i'm wrong. I have been considering counseling but my wife blew those funds with the DUI.

anchorwatch

I know plenty of couples with that age difference, one together 30+ years, now enjoying retirement.

The real issues here are her drinking and your attraction to her. If she didn't have the alcohol problem, would you still be attracted to her?

First thing you ought to do is get to an AL-ANON meeting. Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups You'll get advice there that will help you decide what to do.

Your right I<3NY but the weather in Buffalo is depressing.
Good luck.

labuffalo

""The real issues here are her drinking and your attraction to her. If she didn't have the alcohol problem, would you still be attracted to her?""

To be perfectly honest. No.

anchorwatch

Then there is your answer.

Do it quickly, like pulling a band aid off a wound. The longer you take the harder it will be.

Be well.

labuffalo

I understand. It has been staring in the face and have been unable to face it, because i do love her.

Do you think it is a bad idea to talk to my parents about this? I know they will be extremely disappointed, they are also very conservative and introverted about expressing feelings. I hate stressing my parents out, but i have no one to really talk to here in Buffalo except my wife.

I feel alone, lost and i haven't told my wife yet that i think our marriage is doomed.

anchorwatch

They won't be as objective as strangers on the internet, lol. I would think they would surely be concerned for your best interest. As biased as they would be (religion, conservative, private) they are your parents. Don't tell them half truths, give them the facts like you did here. No omissions about your feelings either. I wish I still had my Dad to speak to.

This is me

Is MC an option? Sounds like if you want this to have any chance some changes need to me made and building resentment needs to be lessened.

Try and find a professional to help you work through it before any major decisions are made. MHO

__________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBDmUqp0JTU&noredirect=1

Don't Give Up! Patience.

http://nashlinks.com/midlife.htm