I am sorry for this rant, but need advice.
I'm 31 years old and my wife of 2 years is 41.
We both meet in DC at a bowling league and have been friends these past 6 years. Our marriage was pleasant but was her idea "its now or never decision" due to her age. I never have been 100% certain of the decision, but decided to do it.
Shortly thereafter we left DC for Buffalo, NY to be near her family in Ontario, Canada, affordable housing and hopefully happiness.
It has been anything but that. We are both miserable here. Buffalo, NY is a depressing place to live full of urban decay, unemployment and crime. Everyone hates it here.
These past few two years we have tried and tried to have kids, including costly fertility treatments. We were incredibly saddened to learn that children were not a possibility with her eggs.
We have both acknowledged that we are both unhappy and would like to leave this place behind. She wants to go back to DC to be near her friends, but I want to move near my family in Cincinnati. She absolutely refuses to consider that idea.
My wife drinks heavily (which i was aware of when i married her), but it has become unbearable at times when she gets intoxicated. She becomes very confrontational and verbally abusive.
Recently, she got drunk on a camping trip together in the finger lakes. After getting drunk she berated me for being introverted and not making friends in Buffalo and then proceeded to drive 3/4 of the way back to Buffalo (1.5 hours away), leaving me behind before coming back at 4am in the morning. This did not sit well with me at all.
A few weeks later we were fighting again after she got tanked at her sisters house on Canada Day. It was all about not being happy, not being able to have kids, not happy together, etc.
After getting home she jumped into her car and got a DUI while i was working on something in the yard. This mistake has cost us $4,000.00 dollars and means we would have to go deeply into debt to afford any further fertility treatments.
After these past incidents I have lost passion in our marriage. At times i feel close to her again, but then i feel very distant. It's almost like I am wasting my youth here. She has traveled the world, her siblings are way older than me and have kids of there own. I almost feel that i am a decade too late and will never enjoy the experiences of growing up with my spouse before getting old.
I have also lost physically attraction to my wife these past few years. She has aged a ton and let herself go, while continuing to smoke. I have tried and tried to curb her bad habits by encouraging her to eat better, get fit, but she just doesn't do it.
In short, I love my wife dearly but feel that i may be torturing myself with unrealistic expectations. She is one of the most caring woman I have ever know, but the drinking the smoking, the sloppy figure, etc are just a huge turnoff.
I am terrified that years down the road I will absolutely regret this marriage and not marrying someone else. I fear that if I don't get out now, I won't know what its like to be with someone young and vigorous and will eventually become extremely bitter towards her as i approach my 40's. Am I wrong here?
I'm also terrified that I could be making the worst decision of my life and letting a truely good person go forever, despite her flaws.
Any advice is appreciated.