Lost, Confused and Scared. HELP!
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » Lost, Confused and Scared. HELP!

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 07-27-2012, 03:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Lost, Confused and Scared. HELP!

This is how I feel:

I love my husband in more words than

Hi I am new here and I need help.

I have been married to a wonderful man for the past 5 years and we have been together for about 10 years and I has been great. I have never seen or been showed love like this.

The problem is I am not in love and I don't think I have ever been in love with him. I love him to pieces and I want the best for him and I would do just about anything for him because he is that great. Not perfect mind you but great.

There is someone else who I think I am in love with. That person has been in my life since before I even met my husband but he and I have never dated or been intimate besides kissing and making out a bit before I got married. He got married a year before me and I thought that was it. He is legally separated 3 years and wants to be with me.

I had a huge dissapointment and my life a few years back and my husband (then boyfried) was there for me 100%. And I decided that I would spend my life just being his wife and the mother of his children. I would be what he wanted or needed me to be and that would be it. Besides I would be a fool to give him up after knowing how much he loves me.

Fast forward 5 years later. I feel like I settled. That I gave up on my dreams and my life to be his wife. I have lost myself in that role and it scares me. Is that all I want from life? Do I even know what my purpose is? I just recently had a miscarriage (would have been our first child). and I feel like it was a wake up call. Is this really all I want out of life?

I have always done what was expected of me and what I thought others wanted or needed me to be (I am a people pleaser) and now at 31 I am thinking "What do I want?"

I donít want to hurt this man, Lord knows I don't but I am afraid in not hurting him I may loose me and my true happiness.

I mentioned a temporary separation to him in conversation and the hurt on his face nearly broke my heart.

I almost told him never mind but I have been feeling this way for years and I keep pushing it down and just doing what needs to be done. But I don't know if I can do that anymore.
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Old 07-27-2012, 03:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, Confused and Scared. HELP!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Syanna View Post
This is how I feel:

I love my husband in more words than

Hi I am new here and I need help.

I have been married to a wonderful man for the past 5 years and we have been together for about 10 years and I has been great. I have never seen or been showed love like this.

The problem is I am not in love and I don't think I have ever been in love with him. I love him to pieces and I want the best for him and I would do just about anything for him because he is that great. Not perfect mind you but great.

There is someone else who I think I am in love with. That person has been in my life since before I even met my husband but he and I have never dated or been intimate besides kissing and making out a bit before I got married. He got married a year before me and I thought that was it. He is legally separated 3 years and wants to be with me.

I had a huge dissapointment and my life a few years back and my husband (then boyfried) was there for me 100%. And I decided that I would spend my life just being his wife and the mother of his children. I would be what he wanted or needed me to be and that would be it. Besides I would be a fool to give him up after knowing how much he loves me.

Fast forward 5 years later. I feel like I settled. That I gave up on my dreams and my life to be his wife. I have lost myself in that role and it scares me. Is that all I want from life? Do I even know what my purpose is? I just recently had a miscarriage (would have been our first child). and I feel like it was a wake up call. Is this really all I want out of life?

I have always done what was expected of me and what I thought others wanted or needed me to be (I am a people pleaser) and now at 31 I am thinking "What do I want?"

I donít want to hurt this man, Lord knows I don't but I am afraid in not hurting him I may loose me and my true happiness.

I mentioned a temporary separation to him in conversation and the hurt on his face nearly broke my heart.

I almost told him never mind but I have been feeling this way for years and I keep pushing it down and just doing what needs to be done. But I don't know if I can do that anymore.
As long as you are happy :scratch head:

Did it occur to you to work on your marriage and stay away from temptation?

-MWD
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Old 07-27-2012, 03:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, Confused and Scared. HELP!

I know it popular in some circles to encourage you to drop your current commitments and run to what looks better, but I don't agree with bing selfish like that.

You made a choice and commitment to your husband, time to dump this OM out of your life permanent and get back to living in and building your marriage.

Btw, just what kind of contact and conversations are you having with the OM that he is able to basically ask you to cheat with him? It sounds like you have already crossed boundaries with the OM to the point where he feels perfectly comfortable in asking you to cheat with him.
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Old 07-27-2012, 03:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I just noticed how many times you typed "I" in your post. I would suggest that you get some counseling along with Marital Counseling.

-MWD
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Old 07-27-2012, 04:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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The other guy is not asking me to cheat with him he supports what ever supports whatever choice I make. More than being the other guy he is my/ and been my friend since childhood.

We have tried separating many times over the years. Sometimes years at a time. Our families are connected and whenever we connect it is like time has not passed.

I have seeked counseling and I am really trying but the feelings are not decreasing just getting stronger.

We talk often but don't see each other other than the occasional lunch once every 3 months or so.
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Old 07-27-2012, 04:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, Confused and Scared. HELP!

and yes that was a lot of "I"'s. Sorry about that
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Old 07-27-2012, 05:45 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Syanna - If I have to suggest, I really don't think you should throw away a good relationship and hurt a good man who loves you and who stood by you. I said who stood by you since it is a very important thing that he was by your side when you went through low point in your life. The love for other man you are feeling may be just a fling or your emotion taking over you. You are very likely to regret if you don't stop it now before it gets worse with the other man.
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Old 07-30-2012, 08:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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My head know that but my heart is not sure. It was the smart thing to do to marry him and it feels like the smart thing to do to stay. He is my friend my best friend but it doesn't feel like my lover. It doesnt help that he is so into his business right now that we can go for weeks without having sex. And I don't to pressure him for it because that is not being a supportive wife and he IS trying to get ahead for our future family. Sex has never been that important to me. He was my first but now since I have hit my 30's it has totally changed and he just doesnt seem that intrested unless i make and issue out of it. It's like if I don't initiate it, it won't happen. But I know that he loves me.
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Old 07-30-2012, 09:13 AM   #9 (permalink)
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If your heart isn't in it then I would say follow your heart. But only after you did a few things first.
I would try IC again and see where it gets you.
I would tell your husband exactly what you told us.
If he still wants to work on it and you do as well, then to MC. If your heart still says to be with the other man after all of this then you should go. It's not fair to you or your husband if your heart isn't true towards the marriage.
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Old 07-30-2012, 09:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, Confused and Scared. HELP!

Syanna, A question. Please, think seriously about this before you answer. Imagine if the OM didn't exist, died or fell of the face of the earth somehow. How would you feel about leaving your husband now?
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Old 07-30-2012, 11:04 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, Confused and Scared. HELP!

Syanna,

You are doing a great disservice to your husband by wanting to be with another man. As it stands, it sounds as if your relationship with this other man is close to being an emotional affair if it isn't one already.

Please do not have children with your husband until you can decide if you want to be married to him or not and if you love him. I don't think you do and you're more focused on "the one that got away"

Set your husband free so he can find a woman who truly loves him and one that didn't just settle for him and the security he offered after her heart throb married someone else
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Old 08-05-2012, 11:44 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, Confused and Scared. HELP!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MWD View Post
I just noticed how many times you typed "I" in your post. I would suggest that you get some counseling along with Marital Counseling.

-MWD
I would suggest some individual and couples work. If you go on to the new guy you are just repeating the same trauma with a new person. The new guy gives you a renewed sense of being healed. Anyway we tend to repeat traumas in childhood in our romantic relationships. Humans are driven to healing (although what we think heals doesn't always heal but rather re-wound). Do yourself a favor(I'm sincere) and become more self aware. A conscious relationship takes work but it's well worth it. Getting the love you want by h. Hendrix is great. Also The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family. I'm not saying your a narcissist FYI. Just some recommendations if you need them.
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Old 08-06-2012, 01:51 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Lost, Confused and Scared. HELP!


It is always easy and exciting to think that you should be with the person that was in your youth. After all, there was no living with that person, no having tough times with that person, youth is when you have the greatest emotions and you can have fantasies about the great feelings you had with the boy of your youth.

You have a husband that has been there for you when you needed him the most. Where was your fantasy boy? Your fantasy boy was married but he failed at that marriage.

You do not know what you want and are living with a fantasy. Either give up your fantasy and get to work on building your marriage with your husband whom you said was a wonderful man or do your husband a favor and let him go free.

DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN with your current husband unless you make up your mind that you want him and not any other man. If you want to follow your unreliable feelings and leave your husband for your fantasy then do it in a way that will cause the least amount of pain for your husband. DO NOT try to have it both ways, do not string your husband along. If you want the fantasy then make a clean break and let your husband get over you so that he can get another woman.

Your husband has done nothing for you to replace him with another man. You want your feeling to be satisfied; feelings that cannot be trusted.
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Syanna - I believe that what you are having is just trying to live your fantasy since there is no reality attached to it. It's like when we have a crush or the feeling we have during our initial phase of dating, everything is so perfect. We idolize that person. When you parted that person/your friend, that fantasy remained since you didn't really get to be with him romantically for a long time. If you actually dated or married that person, you may be bored or worse have more issues than you have now in your current one. You may just be in a phase out of your own boredom from your marriage. Keep in mind that marriage is bound to be boring at times. It is a journey, not a vacation trip. It's going to need work, commitment and many many tries. My husband just left, I can tell you that I'd love to have a husband like yours who stood by you through thick and thin. I wouldn’t trade that with any fantasy boy coming along the way.

I think you need to come out of your fog (EA). You probably should stop being friends with him if you can't control your emotions and if he is hinting he wants to be with you. He is separated, his emotions are all over and he is lonely (trust me , we know). So he is vulnerable and he is still trying to figure out what committed and long lasting relationship means. Your husband already knows what it means and he is living it with you.
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