Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.
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Old 07-30-2012, 04:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.

I have been with my husband 12 years and we don't really fight a lot (about once a week) but when we do its very explosive. We have been through very bad things before but we always loved each other no matter what. The past 6 months have been worse since he has been unemployed and about to run out of unemployment with no job leads. He has been very depressed, stressed, and short tempered. He is getting mad at me over things he never used to and getting mad at the kids constantly over every little thing.

Well 5 days ago I was having a small disagreement with him when he received a rejection email from a job he thought was a sure thing and he just blew up, took all of his belongings, threw his ring at me, said I was not right for him and he is leaving me for good, left the keys to the house and he went to his parents house. The thing is the days just before this argument we were very close. He was reaching for me to cuddle at night, we were having a lot of sex, and we were kissing and hugging a lot. He also said the day before this fight that he loved me deeply and said he feared loosing me or me leaving him. How do you go from deep love to wanting a divorce over one argument? He has only spoken to me one time since he left and this is very unusual for him. He has walked out before during a fight but never took everything and never ignored me before.

What I want opinions on are his text messages wich are contradicting.

1) I texted him saying sorry and that I love him.
He told me to stop wasting my texts on him and to leave him alone!!!
2) Than I wrote more pleading words.
He responded saying... I am very unhappy and don't want to be around you anymore.
3) Than I asked him if he wanted some time apart.
He responded saying... Yes a let's take a break please. I am very stressed out and unhappy.
4) I asked him if he wanted to talk to me or see me when he feels better.
He just said... I don't know... Than he has ignored me since.

My son wrote him an email and my husband told him... that mom and dad are not getting along right now so he is taking a break at his parent's house.

My confusion is, based on 1 and 2 and what he said when he was leaving that makes me believe he never wants to be with me again.
Based on 3 and 4 and the email to my son it sounds like he just want's a break or is unsure yet.

He wont talk to me anymore and I feel so unsure if he is done with me for good or just wants a break. What do you think based on the things he has said and the fact that we had a lot of love for me right before the fight. Thank you.
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Old 07-30-2012, 08:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.

I don't really think he is giving you mixed messages.

The way I read the texts is that he is very unhappy and stressed and that he has decided that he wants to separate. My guess is that he has decided that he wants a divorce. It's possible that during the time apart he will do the soul searching he needs and come to the conclusion that he is unhappy because of his actions/ life twists rather than because of you. But, at the moment he is convinced that he can't move forward and be happy as long as he is living with you.

What all this means for you is -- welcome to limbo. You need to give your husband space. Restrict yourself to one text/ phone call per day and keep it about your son/ critical financial decisions rather than pleading, begging, asking for explanations. He can't give you the answers that you want (he may genuinely not know why he is emotionally disconnected from you) and when you ask him it feels like you are smothering him, not supporting him.

Being in limbo is awful, and you have my sympathies. The only thing you can really do at this point is to focus on yourself and your son. It is better to assume that your husband is not coming back to your marriage and start acting accordingly then it is to simply hope it will work out. Do the 180, give him space, be a good mother.
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Old 07-30-2012, 02:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.

But the thing is that he has been through major depression before where he said he did not want to be with me anymore. He did not move out that time but he was very distant from me. Once the depression passed he apologized, said he was wrong, said it was the depression making him feel that way and not his true feelings, and loved me very much and everything was back to normal. He can be like a completely different person when he goes through major depression.

Also before this small fight he was very loving to me even that same day before the fight. I truly believe if he were not so depressed and stressed out that he would not have left from that fight. He was actually very close and loving to me lately as well as expressing his love verbally. How to you go from very in love to wanting a divorce just like that?
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Old 07-30-2012, 03:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.

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How to you go from very in love to wanting a divorce just like that?
Depression combined with a big stress like being unemployed can make people do the craziest of things.

2 years ago we had to downsize due to a paycut. 5 of us moved into a tiny apartment and right off I was depressed. I told my husband I didn't think I wanted to be married anymore and we were at year 19. I was thinking crazy thoughts of getting a job and getting a smaller apartment within the same complex so we could more easily share custody of our kids.

Luckily I've had enough therapy to realize I needed help so I didn't divorce my husband. I called my therapist instead. She said with my ptsd all the noise and chaos in the apartment sent me into shock and I was ready to jump from the nearest window to stop it.

Don't underestimate the lengths depressed people will go to escape their own pain.
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Old 07-30-2012, 04:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.

Hi Jenny - I am sorry that you are in this limbo land. I am also in the same situation. It's particularly similar since my stbxh was also very affectionate right before our petty fight. It was very shocking and yes it will leave you in denial for a good few months. We don't even have any contact now since neither of us initiated. I am giving him space and time, while focusing on myself and really trying to understand what I want as well. The only difference is that your husband seems like he is in depression and mine I wasn't even sure. Also, my stbxh and I did have fights, though we always come back to each other. So at this point, I'd say plan your life as though he won't be in it. Find out your rights. And check with him a few weeks or months after.
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Old 07-30-2012, 04:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.

Yes we are living in a small place 4 people total, a dog he hates, and 3 cats. So it can be quite noisy at times and its hard for him to get away. Its not just me, he was getting irritated at everything. I mean one day last month we were blocked from getting out of a parking garage and had to wait about 1.5 hours before the blockage was cleared. He wanted to get out of the car and walk around and I did not because it was night and cold and all I did was ask him to stay in the car with me to keep me company and he blew up at me telling me not to try to control him and than I did not say a word more and he went out and he was mad at me the rest of the night over this. I was not even trying to control him and just wanted his company. A few weeks ago he was taking the kids to his parents and blew up at our son for him wanting to take his laptop with him because my husband said he did not need to be on a computer while visiting people. But my son has brought his laptop many times and it was never an issue before. He really blew up over this, took my son's laptop away and than started yelling at me that its all my fault when the kids miss-behave and said I could have them and he would sign his right over. He did not start acting this until about a month ago.

I just really hope its his depression and not me and than once he starts to feel better and gets a job he will come home. I KNOW he loves me without a doubt. He has even admitted that when he gets very upset or depressed that he blacks out and does not know what he is saying or doing. I am just worried because this is the most extreme he has taken it.
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Old 07-30-2012, 04:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.

One more question... So he will be coming at least a couple times a week to see the kids and return them. So I am wondering is there anything I can do to help him realize his feelings for me without being too obvious?

I was planning on having fresh baked cookies when he comes which he loves, trying to look beautiful, and just acting happy and friendly. Do you think this will help him realize what he left and what he loves about me?

I am not going to talk about our relationship or how he feels or try to touch him as I know that might push him away further. I want him to make the move.
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Old 07-30-2012, 04:53 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.

You need to do a 180 and act like you don't care. As long as he knows you're waiting for him he has little motivation to DO anything. Then you're nothing more than his plan b.

So no cookies but feel free to look pretty and happy without him.
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Old 07-30-2012, 05:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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He also said the day before this fight that he loved me deeply and said he feared loosing me or me leaving him.
His reason for leaving you is in this statement right here

He is so scared that you will leave him that he is preempting it by leaving you first so that he wont have to face your abadonment. Happens. Its like when people are so scared of failure they rather not compete.

He knows that by him not getting that job you are that much closer to leaving. ( asking about that job rejection probably didn't help )

Question is what do you plan on doing if he doesn't get a job in the near future? If you plan to leave then i don't know what to tell you. If you plan on standing by him then you can text him and let him know that even if he doesn't get that job you will love him and stand by him. Hopefully that will allay his fears.
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Old 07-30-2012, 05:10 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.

Well I was going to say I was making the cookies for the kids and just give him some. Trust me bakery sweets make him feel better!

He actually offered to fix something in the house for me while he comes to get the kids. When he left with everything he said he was never going to see me or speak to me again but now he is offering to take extra time around me to fix things in the house.

I am going to try to act happy and like I don't care. I was also going to tell him to make sure and call me in advance before he brings the kids back to make sure I am home. And I never go anywhere but the store so maybe this will get him wondering if I went out with someone? Do you think it is a bad idea to make it look like I am out having fun even though I am not? I was thinking of dressing a little better and do my nails painted and wear jewelry on the day he comes back which are things I never do unless its a special occasion or we go somewhere. I know for a fact if there was another man in the life of his kids he would hate this. Maybe this will make him wonder if I am talking to/seeing anyone else and maybe the jealousy will kick in. I mean when I wear short dresses when we go out he is trying to block me when other men around around because he don't even want other men looking at me.
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Old 07-30-2012, 05:10 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.

Yes, read up on the 180 and do not smother him in any way, shape, or form. You might want to make plans to go out when he is with the kids so you have something to look forward to, something to distract you from feeling sad when he comes, and the happier and more relaxed and detached you seem, the better. Remember to work on feeling more relaxed and detached; it's an act at first but also how you want to feel if he is so explosive.

If your kids heard his comment about "signing them over to you," be sure to talk to the kids about it and consider how unbelievable hurtful this is to them. If he cannot control himself around them, you may have to limit his contact with them to supervised visits that can be terminated if he says anything inappropriate anymore. It sounds like he has some mental health issues, but he has no right to torment kids in this way, and sooner or later it will affect how they think and feel about him, and their relationships with others. His words were cruel. Make sure he understands that if/when you can talk calmly about it, maybe in a counseling session together.
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Old 07-30-2012, 05:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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His reason for leaving you is in this statement right here

He is so scared that you will leave him that he is preempting it by leaving you first so that he wont have to face your abadonment. Happens. Its like when people are so scared of failure they rather not compete.

He knows that by him not getting that job you are that much closer to leaving. ( asking about that job rejection probably didn't help )

Question is what do you plan on doing if he doesn't get a job in the near future? If you plan to leave then i don't know what to tell you. If you plan on standing by him then you can text him and let him know that even if he doesn't get that job you will love him and stand by him. Hopefully that will allay his fears.
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I did email him two days after he left and told him how wonderful he was to go to college and work full time and raise two kids and that he never let us down. I told him I would love him no matter how much or how little money he made. I also told him I appreciated all the things he has provided for us and that we would not have so much without us. And a bunch of other positive things about him. I was not pleading for him to come back or anything, I just wanted to let him know that he is not a failure like he is feeling right now.

Now I don't know if he read it or just deleted it. But later that day is when I texted him and he said the things in my first post.

I understand that by him leaving me and knowing that I still love him leaves him in the position to control the outcome of this and I think he likes being in this position by ignoring me because he knows it is hurting me and he wants to show me how mad he is.
Now how can I reverse it to make him be worried about loosing me instead?
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Old 07-30-2012, 05:20 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.

If I knew he did not love me than I would just let him go. But I know he loves me very much without a doubt which is why I need him to be reminded of this and start to worry about me moving on and loosing me. I am certain that the depression is effecting his way of thinking and his emotions.
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Old 07-30-2012, 08:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is giving mixed messeges after moving out. Need Opinions.

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I understand that by him leaving me and knowing that I still love him leaves him in the position to control the outcome of this and I think he likes being in this position by ignoring me because he knows it is hurting me and he wants to show me how mad he is.
Now how can I reverse it to make him be worried about loosing me instead?
I'm not sure if this is the right way to go. If he really is scared of losing you, indicating that you have "options" may only feed his paranioa and drive him away. The 180 would be good if he would have left you for another woman or if he didn't know what he wanted. In your case it has a potential to backfire on you.

I think he is doing that because he likes being reassured that you still need him.


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Trust me bakery sweets make him feel better!
Yes bribery always works If you want him to stay over tell him that you are scared to spend the night alone (make up some reason) and you need him to stay the night.

You don't have to apologise to him, i don't see you have done anything wrong. If your objective is for him to get back keep giving him guestures that indicate you need him and he'll be back
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Old 07-30-2012, 10:44 PM   #15 (permalink)
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My plan is leave him alone unless its about the kids, act happy and act like I am over the relationship. I am not going to try to get close to him right now as I am hoping that by my respecting his wish for some space that he will also gain respect for me. After a few weeks I am going to ask him if he will go shopping with me to get the kids school clothes (which he has said he will pay for) and/or ask him if he wants to take the kids somewhere with me. I think if he sees me backing off he might be open to go somewhere with me and the kids. Than I want to show him what a happy and loving person I am trying to remind him why he loved me in the first place and if he seems happy around me I might try to sit real close to him and see what he does.

Every time he is upset he goes for comfort food. Usually cake, cookies or pie. So I think he will like this.
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