kids career moving and circles...

ckjt · 07-31-2012, 09:09 PM

My wife and I have had a bit of a difficult relationship since we were dating, but somehow we always felt like we should keep going. We both have some issues with each other's families and that has always been an issue but we've tried to juggle it. We moved to a place where she really didn't want to be for my career and she made the sacrifice although not without some real resentment and a lot of backlash. The pressure from that and from not growing as fast as we'd like financially has made it a rollercoaster all along and we've discussed divorce/separation a lot over the years. But we still stuck with it and now have two young children - toddlers essentially. Now there has been a window to move back to where she wants to be. I've been committed to doing it and it's underway. I'm dreading it for lots of reasons but trying to find the good sides of it and let her finally have her chance to be closer to her family, etc., and I think in many ways it's good for the kids.

The problem now is that there may be a very very good job opportunity for me that would move us back again and she's made it clear she just won't do it. I can't make her do anything but the resentment I think I'd harbor if she ends up killing this would be off the charts, particularly as she is constantly focused on me making more money and this could be a chance to do exactly that (in spades) but she might torpedo it. If we didn't have kids there would be almost no question that I'd take the job and let her either join me or end the marriage and she can stay where she wants to be, but I can't and won't leave my kids like that and tend to doubt that cross-country joint custody is responsible, advisable or even possible.

But I'm also contemplating seeking divorce or separation anyway. Stepping back I feel like we'll never both have what we want at the same time. There may be care in our relationship still but no romance, or joy and it feels like there is very little connection. I often feel like we should have never gotten married, or at least never stayed together long enough to put kids in the middle of all this. For a while I've felt like the kids are pretty much the only reason to stay together, but I do strongly feel that we need to stay together on their behalf. I worry at times that we're not doing them any favors by forcing this and becoming one of those couples that divorce five minutes after they go to college, but I somewhat feel that that's what we're stuck with. I find myself often drawn to other people, but would never do anything about it.

So I feel like I'm suffering in a no win. We made three or four aborted (one or two sessions) attempts at counseling very early in our marriage but always felt it wasn't very productive and bailed. Money, time and her skepticism/cynicism about the process have kept us from trying again. Is counseling really worth a shot or should we throw in the towel or just suffer through it for the kids?

EleGirl · 07-31-2012, 09:31 PM

I assume that she is aware of the differences in income between the two positions? What does she say about that?

Is she working outside the home?

How old are the two of you and how long have you been married?

ckjt · 07-31-2012, 09:42 PM

She's aware of the income this opportunity might bring (2x - 4x our current income), but I think in her mind it doesn't trump geography. Aside from the money I think I'd really enjoy the job but I think she's stopped valuing that highly in the heirarchy of things - she's burnt out on everything centering around me and my job - the first move was to help me get a running start in my career but it's been harder than expected (I work in a very tough business with a huge upside but a lot of luck and slog to get there). In fairness, the opportunity is still developing, so she hasn't pulled the plug on anything 100% real yet, and maybe when we get to the edge of that cliff she'll make the sacrifice again, but I'm tired of one of us always having to give up something massive. It's never easy and the topic is a constant strain.

She doesn't work. Hasn't since pretty early in our marriage. I'm very ok with her not working and we both like that she's with the kids, although it does frustrate me that all the money issues are on my shoulders even though she cares more about money than I do in general. She has lots of exceedingly wealthy friends and I think in some ways she just expected the money would take care of itself.

We're 35. Married 8 years.

EleGirl · 07-31-2012, 10:28 PM

It sounds like she has unrealistic expectations. It's not all that unusual where one spouse does not work.

Perhaps you clould suggest a choice that either you all move to the place with the best paying job, or you move to where her family is and she goes to work to make up the difference in income.

On another note, we often think that a job that makes more money is the obvious choice. Maybe it's not.

Will the job that pays a lot more require a lot more of your time?

ckjt · 08-01-2012, 01:17 AM

Thanks for the suggestion. Unfortunately my earning potential is way higher - I'm a professional and her resume kind of stopped abruptly years ago and without a clear specialty. She's very smart but I don't see her starting a business from scratch right now either.

I think I would be happier with this job option - there is a lot about it that would be more engaging/an improvement on what I'm doing now. I work a ton already - it wouldn't be much more. I know where you're going with that in terms of time with the kids, etc. It's hard now and will probably be hard in the next few things I do, but I'm doing all I can to make as much time as I can.

The job issue, though, is kind of just the catalyst for my refocusing on bigger problems. We actually communicate very well, but when we communicate it starts to boil down to a realization that we don't want the same things. And emotionally it keeps getting colder but for the occasional bouts of anger. Recently there have been some arguments in front of the kids that they don't react well to. I don't want that to continue, but our interactions are usually much more negative than positive, at least in my impression. Sometimes she seems like she is happier in the relationship than I feel I am, so it may be that I'm sabotaging this in my own head. But I feel like there are any number of things that could blow our relationship apart right now and I'd almost be relieved by it, again but for the kids. Am I just dramatizing this or am I stuck in something I should get out of?

EleGirl · 08-01-2012, 10:17 AM

I think that your marriage is in trouble and you don't know what to do to save it.

You really need to put some time into your marriage so that you know you did all that you could do. Look at the links in my signature block below for building a pasionate marriage. If you read them and work through them with your wife, you relationship iwth her will be profoundly changed for the better.

Why not give your marriage another try.... put a time limit on how long you will go with out seening significant chanage ... maybe 4-6 months.

tennisstar · 08-03-2012, 01:59 PM

[QUOTE=EleGirl;953353]I think that your marriage is in trouble and you don't know what to do to save it.

You really need to put some time into your marriage so that you know you did all that you could do. Look at the links in my signature block below for building a pasionate marriage. If you read them and work through them with your wife, you relationship iwth her will be profoundly changed for the better.

Why not give your marriage another try.... put a time limit on how long you will go with out seening significant chanage ... maybe 4-6 months.[
/QUOTE]

Is money the main issue or are there other issues?
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