07-31-2012, 09:09 PM
Join Date: Jul 2012
| | kids career moving and circles...
My wife and I have had a bit of a difficult relationship since we were dating, but somehow we always felt like we should keep going. We both have some issues with each other's families and that has always been an issue but we've tried to juggle it. We moved to a place where she really didn't want to be for my career and she made the sacrifice although not without some real resentment and a lot of backlash. The pressure from that and from not growing as fast as we'd like financially has made it a rollercoaster all along and we've discussed divorce/separation a lot over the years. But we still stuck with it and now have two young children - toddlers essentially. Now there has been a window to move back to where she wants to be. I've been committed to doing it and it's underway. I'm dreading it for lots of reasons but trying to find the good sides of it and let her finally have her chance to be closer to her family, etc., and I think in many ways it's good for the kids.
The problem now is that there may be a very very good job opportunity for me that would move us back again and she's made it clear she just won't do it. I can't make her do anything but the resentment I think I'd harbor if she ends up killing this would be off the charts, particularly as she is constantly focused on me making more money and this could be a chance to do exactly that (in spades) but she might torpedo it. If we didn't have kids there would be almost no question that I'd take the job and let her either join me or end the marriage and she can stay where she wants to be, but I can't and won't leave my kids like that and tend to doubt that cross-country joint custody is responsible, advisable or even possible.
But I'm also contemplating seeking divorce or separation anyway. Stepping back I feel like we'll never both have what we want at the same time. There may be care in our relationship still but no romance, or joy and it feels like there is very little connection. I often feel like we should have never gotten married, or at least never stayed together long enough to put kids in the middle of all this. For a while I've felt like the kids are pretty much the only reason to stay together, but I do strongly feel that we need to stay together on their behalf. I worry at times that we're not doing them any favors by forcing this and becoming one of those couples that divorce five minutes after they go to college, but I somewhat feel that that's what we're stuck with. I find myself often drawn to other people, but would never do anything about it.
So I feel like I'm suffering in a no win. We made three or four aborted (one or two sessions) attempts at counseling very early in our marriage but always felt it wasn't very productive and bailed. Money, time and her skepticism/cynicism about the process have kept us from trying again. Is counseling really worth a shot or should we throw in the towel or just suffer through it for the kids?