Hello all,
I have been married for nearly six years. My husband has a high-stress job in the military, and I am a student at an esteemed school (full-time; I don't work). There has always been tension in certain areas of the marriage surrounding the nature of his work. In six years, he deployed five times. We survived all of those with our marriage in tact. The issue I have always had with him are the frequent tdy's (temporary duties), where he goes off with his buddies for what is supposed to be training, but ends up being pretty much a boys' free-for-all vacation. I am a firm believer in "bad company corrupts good character," and it bothers me that he sees no issue with his buddies "having" to go to strip clubs every trip. Last night, I caught him at one (purely on a hunch), but he said he was inside the van and would remain there until the guys came out. What bothered me about this was that he was not forthcoming: he said that they were going back to the barracks; had I not asked him, he would not have told me where they were. He does not seem to have the emotional capacity to argue when he is in a spot he doesn't want to be in (literally or figuratively), so he threatens divorce now when we have any type of disagreement. I cannot feel secure in a marriage where this is occuring... part of me feels that he knew I was going to call, picked a fight and threatened divorce in order to shut me down, and then went ahead and did as he pleased. No money was spent, but for all I know his buddies paid for him. This is only one situation where this has occured, but the threat of divorce has come to be a weekly thing. I find myself negotiating ridiculously; he is getting a motorcycle just because I wanted the verbal abuse to stop. He said he's getting it to "show me who runs this relationship." He calls me names like "b****" and "retarded" when he's angry. I don't feel like I am either of those things, but I am beginning to feel like a doormat. I don't have any family up here; it seems like he has the power to do this, because I am financially dependent on him. Advice? Thoughts? It is starting to wear on me. Thanks.
Hello all,
I have been married for nearly six years. My husband has a high-stress job in the military, and I am a student at an esteemed school (full-time; I don't work). There has always been tension in certain areas of the marriage surrounding the nature of his work. In six years, he deployed five times. We survived all of those with our marriage in tact. The issue I have always had with him are the frequent tdy's (temporary duties), where he goes off with his buddies for what is supposed to be training, but ends up being pretty much a boys' free-for-all vacation. I am a firm believer in "bad company corrupts good character," and it bothers me that he sees no issue with his buddies "having" to go to strip clubs every trip. Last night, I caught him at one (purely on a hunch), but he said he was inside the van and would remain there until the guys came out. What bothered me about this was that he was not forthcoming: he said that they were going back to the barracks; had I not asked him, he would not have told me where they were. He does not seem to have the emotional capacity to argue when he is in a spot he doesn't want to be in (literally or figuratively), so he threatens divorce now when we have any type of disagreement. I cannot feel secure in a marriage where this is occuring... part of me feels that he knew I was going to call, picked a fight and threatened divorce in order to shut me down, and then went ahead and did as he pleased. No money was spent, but for all I know his buddies paid for him. This is only one situation where this has occured, but the threat of divorce has come to be a weekly thing. I find myself negotiating ridiculously; he is getting a motorcycle just because I wanted the verbal abuse to stop. He said he's getting it to "show me who runs this relationship." He calls me names like "b****" and "retarded" when he's angry. I don't feel like I am either of those things, but I am beginning to feel like a doormat. I don't have any family up here; it seems like he has the power to do this, because I am financially dependent on him. Advice? Thoughts? It is starting to wear on me. Thanks.
Hello. it does not matter if he is in the military or not, he should respect your wishes and abide by the agreed boundaries. Have there been clear boundaries established?
I am sorta on the opposite side of your situation. I am the one in the military and I am married to a civilian wife. Except it is my wife that has threatened divorce, called me every name in the book and I have been a doormat for years.
take it from me, please have enough respect for yourself to not be a doormat. marriage counseling should be helpful but if he would not go definately do IC.
Thanks for responding. I have been going to individual counseling through the university (he will not go). I am sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that I have never made my husband to feel that way. Sometimes I think that my insecurity (which is a result of his behavior, but nonetheless) has pushed him to act out so disproportionately. The reason I get so nervous on his tdy assignments is because he loves to choose this time to pick fights and shut off his phone when they are out every night. I am hoping that once he gets out, that his behavior will work itself out, but I am not too optimistic. I have changed my behavior ( I used to be feisty, fiery, etc...) to accommodate his, in order to keep the peace. Being the non-naive girl that I am, I realize that I am also rewarding his cruel behavior. It feels like a lose-lose situation. I feel like the army screwed him up... I dread the weekends that he is at home; I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I am about to start a rather rigorous course of study, and this is stressing me out...
Next time he says it again, tell him you'll sign the papers right now.
This. He learned quickly that if he throws out the D word, you'll cave. My W tried that a few times, and it worked great b/c I'd back down, and try to reason with her.
Next time he pulls that, hand him the yellow pages and tell him to go ahead and find a lawyer. Doing that ended all D talk from wifey. Sorry to hear. You don't deserve to be treated this way.
Have you talked to his commander/superior? I don't know what rank or branch he is in, but they can get him help for possible PTSD or other issues. My sister had the same problem with her husband and he was only deployedd once (Army; Honorable Medical Discharge). He did the EXACT same things to her and they almost got divorced, but thanks to the help he's received, they are happily married.
The threats of a divorce are a control tactic. If he really wanted a divorce he would get one.
I am so sorry you are putting up with this bullsugar. I know how it feels and it can take a real toll. ((HUGS)) Posted via Mobile Device
This. He learned quickly that if he throws out the D word, you'll cave. My W tried that a few times, and it worked great b/c I'd back down, and try to reason with her.
Next time he pulls that, hand him the yellow pages and tell him to go ahead and find a lawyer. Doing that ended all D talk from wifey. Sorry to hear. You don't deserve to be treated this way.
Yes, combat zones, every time. I agree that he may need counseling; he loves what he does, but I also think that having to kill constantly is traumatizing regardless. I don't see how it can not affect someone. I've brought it to his attention (in a non-confrontational way) that he has issues with anger. There seems to be a stigma, especially in his area of specialization with going to individual counseling for such things. He refuses to go; I would even say that he does not care whether or not he has anger issues.
And for those who have been threatened with divorce repeatedly: How long would the threat last each time? For me, the longest has been two days, then he would decide to "work it out."
And for those who have been threatened with divorce repeatedly: How long would the threat last each time? For me, the longest has been two days, then he would decide to "work it out."
It "worked out" for him becuase it shut you down so he could control/get away with his actions.
It's a pattern. Notice the pattern.
Wow it sounds like he has no respect for you. You should try couseling. I would say dump him but there must be something there if you have been married this long. It is hard to see how much better it can be when you are in a bad relationship. My xhusband did all of those things and now that i am divorced and had better relationships i am so happy to have gotten out of that place because my x could not change. Maybe yours can. But you should try and get help.
He has no respect for you. I dont know why you have any respect for him.
Calling your wife a B and "retarded" and lying to her and picking fights just so he can hit up strip clubs... no good.
Oh and the threats--manipulative/controlling/jerk move. The next time he threatens tell him "Ok. Then divorce me. You know where to send me the papers. Or maybe I'll be serving you."
Yes, combat zones, every time. I agree that he may need counseling; he loves what he does, but I also think that having to kill constantly is traumatizing regardless. I don't see how it can not affect someone. I've brought it to his attention (in a non-confrontational way) that he has issues with anger. There seems to be a stigma, especially in his area of specialization with going to individual counseling for such things. He refuses to go; I would even say that he does not care whether or not he has anger issues.
Let me guess, spec war type with a big head and an ego to match? It is breed into them that they are the best, there can't possibly be something wrong with them. Good luck getting him to go to counseling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ramsesgirl
And for those who have been threatened with divorce repeatedly: How long would the threat last each time? For me, the longest has been two days, then he would decide to "work it out."
Purely a control tactic to keep you in your place.
Let the fiery girl back out again and call his bluff. I suspect that he really won't care (he is the best after all). Just remember that you have rights and he can't just throw you out.
Let me guess, spec war type with a big head and an ego to match? It is breed into them that they are the best, there can't possibly be something wrong with them. Good luck getting him to go to counseling.
Purely a control tactic to keep you in your place.
Let the fiery girl back out again and call his bluff. I suspect that he really won't care (he is the best after all). Just remember that you have rights and he can't just throw you out.
You sure hit the nail on the head. He's a green beret who wants to beat his chest with the boys and not have to answer to anyone. If I would have know it would have ended up this way, I would have just said no to the proposal and stayed best friends with him. He was always the most gentle, modest person back then. We happened to get married as he was starting out his special forces career. It's the only thing that has ever caused problems for us.
5Likes
Constant threats of divorce from husband... 
Good luck getting him to go to counseling.
