My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore
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Old 08-04-2012, 12:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

So my husband told me yesterday that he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me anymore.

A little background of our relationship.. I am 26, he is 25, our birthdays are in November. We have been married since dec of 2010. We have known each other for 5 years, dated for about a year, he joined the Marines and we eloped after he finished bootcamp. I got my associates while he was in bootcamp/school. We didn't live together until we had been married for 7.5 months, and we moved 3,000 miles away from our friends and family to California, a place we had never been to before. I sold my car for $1000 before I moved (I drove it for 10 years, it wouldn't have survived the cross country drive but was good enough around town) and quit my job. With our savings, my husband bought himself a car and we bought minimal furniture for our apartment.

I will be the first to admit, the move was really hard for me. I missed my family and friends, I missed the familiarity of home, I missed knowing where I was and how to get back to where I lived. I didn't have a car and I really missed my independence. A month after I got there, my husband came home one day and told me he volunteered for a deployment and would be leaving in 6 months and I was going home. I was devastated. I couldn't believe that after almost an entire year apart, he would volunteer for more time. They kept pushing the date up and then told him he wasn't going. I didn't get a job or make friends because I thought I was moving home.

Two months after I moved out there, my sister came to visit me because we missed each other so bad. Three months later we went home for Christmas. It was hard balancing our families, friends, and in laws in a weeks time.

When tax season came around, he told me he wanted to file taxes separately from me because I had only worked half the year and he wanted to spend the return on a dirt bike. Well, I went home for 2 weeks for a court thing that ended up being postponed to a later date. He conceded and we filed our taxes together. I asked him if we could use the money for a down payment on a car for me instead, but he bought the dirt bike.

I went home again 2 months later for my best friends wedding. That was in April. He was gone for the whole month on training. I am saying all this because it is not like we don't spend time apart already. We do.

Three weeks ago, two of my husbands work friends stayed with us before they deployed. My husband would talk about going out on the weekends with them, tell me they were going out to run errands, and then text me and say they were staying out and not coming back for me. They would stay out until 4am. He stopped being affectionate, stopped texting me, and pretty much stopped speaking to me even though we live together. I told him I was lonely and unhappy.

So, he said he feels guilty for taking me away from my family and friends and making me so unhappy. He said he hates our "1950's" marriage because i stay home and he works, and wants his independence. He says he wants his own friends, I need my own friends, we need our own bank accounts and own lives. He wants me to move back with my parents and be long distance.

My family is coming to visit in 4 weeks, they have already bought their plane tickets. Me going home isn't an option at this point in time.

He says he is going to move into the barracks (like dorms/apartments for single people) while he "figures out if he wants to be married to me anymore". I am distraught. Within the next few weeks, I am getting 30k from a car accident settlement, and will be able to buy my own car, get a job, and contribute financially to our lives. I feel like I am so close to having the opportunity to accomplish so much. He tells me that he didn't think it would be like this when we got married. That he had plans for us and none of them have happened so far. I can FEEL that his feelings for me have changed. I feel desperate. And distraught. And angry. And just panicked. And hysterical. My husband doesn't want to be married anymore. should I just let him go?? Should I go home? Should I stay and plead with him not to leave me? should I act like I'm ok? I am so confused, so upset, and so hurt. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Old 08-04-2012, 01:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

Your husband seems to be very immature. He does not get what marriage is about.

When you get your settlement make sure that you do not give him any of it. I could see him coming around you just long enough to get his hands on the money. I say this because of his selfish use of the tax return.

He gets pay for being married right? Make sure you get that. You might need to see an attorney to make sure of this. This income will give you the buffer you need until you can get on your feet.
Now what do you do?

The first thing you do is to start interacting with him according to the 180 link in my signature block below. This will make you feel stronger and appear stronger. Being needy will not help you recover your marriage or move on with your life, which ever you end up doing.
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Old 08-04-2012, 01:42 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

Thank you for your response. My husband readily admits he is immature. I swear, he was not AS immature before we got married. I feel duped. We talked constantly about our future, our lives together, and starting a family. Once we lived together he said he didn't want to discuss kids until after the military (I will be 29). Before we got married he would go on walks with me, go kayaking, and camping with my family. We spent a lot of time just the two of us, which was ok then but not now? In the year we have lived together he has walked to the mailbox with me twice. He has no problem spending 8+ hours playing video games on the weekends and claims that he works too hard to want to do anything but relax. But then bought a dirt bike..

I feel like what he is saying and doing are opposite. Right now he is out with his friends, he said he was moving out earlier today but didn't pack a bag or anything when he went out. I collected myself, took a shower and did my hair and makeup. He wanted to know where I was going, which was the couch to watch the olympics.

I'm honestly ok with not having a bunch of close friends here to go out with like I do back home, but my husband says its weird. He says it makes him feel guilty because he wants to go out and not "be lame". Am I weird??
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Old 08-04-2012, 02:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

No you are not weird. YOu moved some place new and then were told that you would be moving again soon. You don't have transportation or a job.

You do need to start to get out.

If he's going to be in the barracks he will not need the car. Try to get the car to use until you can buy one.

Take a look at Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup and see if there are groups there you that you might want to check out. Go find some place to do volunteer work.

People who do not move around a lot often do not know how to get active in a new community. How are you supposed to know these things? Doesn't his command do anything for spouses to get them settled into the community? They used to when I was around the military.

Has he taken you to family events with his command?

Is your settlement happening in your home state? If so might want to move back there now to so you can find a job adn start your life over.

What are your thoughts about that?
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Old 08-04-2012, 02:22 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

I was friends with the wives of the two friends that were living with us, but they moved home a month ago because of their husbands deployment. We hung out with them and their kids every weekend up until they moved home.

when the guys were living with us the 3 of them acted like this was a frat house (drinking all day, staying out until 4am, going to bars, watching porn after work every day.. Etc). They were acting like single guys. My husband is now out with all of his single friends. This change has happened over the last 3 weeks.

The settlement thing will just be deposited into my (our) account. All the paperwork I have been able to print and mail to them so I don't have to go back for it.

My husband thinks I should just save the money and move back in with my parents until he is out of the military and then we can retry living together. He will be out in september of 2014. What the hell is the point of being married then? I tried to say that if we are having problems we need to turn to each other to fix them and not turn away. He says he needs space.

They have marriage retreats we can go to through the military, but it is not until the end of September. I am in individual counseling and will of course talk about this when I go on Wednesday. I found this site online and felt like I needed an outsiders perspective. My friend from back home (the only person I have talked to about this) of course said my husband is an immature lying a**hole and I should divorce him and come home. She thinks he met someone else. But I feel like she is upset that I'm so upset and making him sound worse than he is. Or maybe I'm just blind :/
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Old 08-04-2012, 02:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

Don’t now… It might be wise for you to open your own account in your name only and have the settlement go there.
It sounds like your marriage never had a chance between the two of you not being together or living is a ‘frat house’.
You are right that in order to make your marriage work you need to pull together. The idea that you would go home and then the two you would try your marriage again after he gets out in 2014 is ridiculous. Distance does not make the heart grow fonder.

I agree with your friend. Your husband is acting like an immature single guy. IT’s very likely that he is having an affair.
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Old 08-05-2012, 02:51 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

After today, I am convinced my husband is having some type of life crisis. We were talking about him not knowing if he wants to be married anymore and he had what I can only describe as a break down. He started crying. He cried for a while. He Had a panic attack and for about an hour said he was having trouble breathing. Then he took a nap.

He told me he feels the past two years have been so extremely unfair to me and he feels guilty. He also said he is not sure he ever wants to have kids. He said he has never been sure he wanted kids. We discussed this A LOT before we got married. We talked about having a family together "in the future" and we were both on the same page that we would wait and just be married for a little bit and then have kids. But he never once said he never wanted kids.

Now he is saying once we have kids our lives will be over and he can't do extreme things like sky diving or even go on airplanes, vacations, or to the movies. He said he has no idea what he wants to do with his life. He also said there is so much he wants to do that he can't do if he has a kid. The only thing I could think to say was, "why the hell did you marry me if you don't want to have kids?" and he said he married me because he loves me. And I said "well if I knew you didn't want kids I wouldn't have married you. That is a deal breaker for me.." which made him cry all over again. But it is the truth.

I am not saying I want to be pregnant right now, but I want to know that I am not wasting time on someone that doesn't want the same things out of life as I do. This is something that is important to me. I dont want to be in my thirties still holding on to some glimmer of hope that he might change his mind. I suggested we go to marriage counseling and he agreed. I didn't cry over any of this which surprised me.

I am honestly not sure what to think about any of this. I looked through our bank records, his cell phone, email, and Facebook and there is no sign he is seeing someone else. It seems like in less than a month he decided the everything he thought he wanted maybe isn't what he wants anymore. He says he doesnt know what he wants to do with his life and he is scared because i seem certain of things i want and he is certain of nothing. He says he likes tattoos, videogames, dirtbiking, extreme things, and maybe "doesn't want to lead the life that society tells us is normal". The only other really big argument we have had was about the dirtbike and taxes.

He is out again tonight with his single friends, and has started smoking cigarettes again (he hasn't smoked in 2 years, we quit together). Does this sound strange to anyone else? My friend from back home, who yesterday thought I should get a divorce and go home, says she feels really bad for me and has no advice. She can't imagine this happening to her and doesn't know what she would do besides be confused. I don't see my counselor until Wednesday but we live together, so I'm not sure what I should do/say/react to this for now.
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Old 08-05-2012, 03:00 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

It sounds to me like your husband's friends are influencing him on all of this. There is a bond that occurs in the military that is very unique. I grew up around the military and was in it myself. I understand it's pull and miss it when I think about it.

Your husband seemed to have been sucked into the circle of single guys, bonded and cannot pull himself out. He sounds like a very young guy saying that all he wants to do with his is life is to play and have toys.

Going to counseling with him is a good idea. But I fear that he's going to be a cake eater.. he's going to want you there waiting for him while he has this thing going with the single guys. The only way you are going to be able to bring him back to reality is for you to leave him.
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Old 08-05-2012, 03:05 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

I can understand that. The two guys that were living with us were married, we spent our weekends with them and their families until the families went home last month and the guys deployed earlier this week. The guys he is out with this weekend are getting out of the military on Monday. He doesn't have any other friends here. I don't understand why he is trying to ruin our relationship when I will be the only one left standing next week when these people are really gone. He says he doesn't want to grow up. Too late??
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Old 08-05-2012, 03:07 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I can understand that. The two guys that were living with us were married, we spent our weekends with them and their families until the families went home last month and the guys deployed earlier this week. The guys he is out with this weekend are getting out of the military on Monday. He doesn't have any other friends here. I don't understand why he is trying to ruin our relationship when I will be the only one left standing next week when these people are really gone. He says he doesn't want to grow up. Too late??
Well things might be very different for him next week. This will be interesting.

Is he spending a lot of money on all these nights out with the guys?
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Old 08-05-2012, 03:17 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

He is spending more than usual, yes. Before this, we would go to bars together maybe once a month. Most weekends though we would BBQ and do things with our married friends and their friends. I'm sure he will complain about how we have no money and go back to saying all of our problems are rooted on the fact I don't have a job.

Oh ya- I asked him about having the car while he is in the barracks (which he isn't living at and didn't talk to anyone at work about moving there temporarily) he said he needs it for work and I can't. But on Wednesday he said I can have it all day to go to my doctors appointment that isn't until 4. I said if all of our problems are coming from me not working, then I will use the car and apply every place I can and he can get rides to work since people from his work live there too. He said no he needs it. He also said that if we are still in turmoil when my family comes, he will go to the barracks and will tell my family he is on a field op and I can have the car then. Makes tons of sense to me.
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Old 08-05-2012, 03:46 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

He does not need the car. You know that. So why does he want it? To party?

I'm not sure you know what is really going on. You might want to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) under the front seat of the car. If you do use adhesive backed velcro strips to hold it in place so it does not slip out when the car moves.

The changes you are seeing in him are very typical of the kinds of changes a person goes through when they are having an affair. They get confused.. it's often called the affair fog.

Have you searched through the car to see if there is anything in there?

Right now, if you filed for divorce you could petition the court for possession of the car because you need it to get a job, buy groceries, etc.

He does not need a car if he moves back to the barracks.

He apparently does not even need it most of the time when he lives with you.

Is the car in his name only?
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Old 08-05-2012, 04:11 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

He said he has to take one of his Marines to an alcohol class at 6am every day and that is why he needs the car. I feel stupid even typing that, knowing I accepted it as an answer. When I asked him about what he would tell them on wednesday, he said that I am his priority and he will just say he can't take them.

I am not sure I know what is going on either. When I asked him if he was seeing someone else or met someone else he said he wasn't, and from what I could tell I didn't see anything in his email/bank/fb/phone that would make me think otherwise.

But then I asked him tonight to please not spend a lot of money because we just bought a 200$ tire for the car. He said he bought shots for his Marine buddy and this guys "friends" and only spent like 30 dollars. He said he was driving him and his "friends" home and would be home after. I told him to just stay with his friends.

Everything seems to be pointing to him having an affair but he seems shocked and insulted when I question him. I am not sure he has crossed the line, but I feel a serious lack of respect for our marriage. Am I being unreasonable or should he not want to spend so much time away from me?
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Old 08-05-2012, 04:37 AM   #14 (permalink)
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He said he has to take one of his Marines to an alcohol class at 6am every day and that is why he needs the car. I feel stupid even typing that, knowing I accepted it as an answer. When I asked him about what he would tell them on wednesday, he said that I am his priority and he will just say he can't take them.
Yea that’s a pretty lame one isn’t it? He has not made you a priority. And I doubt that he needs to take anyone anywhere. The command generally has transportation for these things. Also, how large is the base? Most things should be in walking distance since most of the enlisted guys would live in the barracks and not have a vehicle.

I also doubt that there is any alcohol class that is daily. Most counseling is once a week at most.

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I am not sure I know what is going on either. When I asked him if he was seeing someone else or met someone else he said he wasn't, and from what I could tell I didn't see anything in his email/bank/fb/phone that would make me think otherwise.
Cheaters seldom tell the truth. They will lie. They lie even when you hand them solid evidence. Asking him does no good expect to warn him that you are starting to catch on and might be looking.

I thought the same about my ex (son’s father) until I searched his car. I found condoms hidden in the wheel well, a compartment where the tire changing tools go and in the glove box. I put every small numbers on them and then kept checking… the numbers ones disappeared and were replaced with non-numbered ones.
Do you really know that he’s going out with his male friends every night?

My bet is that he is having an affair with a woman who does not want children and has convinced him that this is great because he can have all the toys he wants and play all he wants. This is where his change of heart comes in. Sorry but this just hit me....
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But then I asked him tonight to please not spend a lot of money because we just bought a 200$ tire for the car. He said he bought shots for his Marine buddy and this guys "friends" and only spent like 30 dollars. He said he was driving him and his "friends" home and would be home after. I told him to just stay with his friends.
Hm…. And he did not argue did he?
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Everything seems to be pointing to him having an affair but he seems shocked and insulted when I question him. I am not sure he has crossed the line, but I feel a serious lack of respect for our marriage.
Of course he acted insulted. That reaction is very concerning as well. It’s pretty typical guilty reaction. If he’s basically gone most of the time he’s not at work, he has no respect for your marriage and little care for you right now.

How is your sex life?

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Originally Posted by Sunshine33 View Post
Am I being unreasonable or should he not want to spend so much time away from me?
You and your husband should be spending a minimum of 15 hours a week doing date-like things. This means just the two of you doing things together with no other distractions… no other friends, not doing chores…. Just the two of you cuddling, holding hands, talking, on walks, out to dinner.

And then there is time a normal couple would spend together doing chores, fixing the house, maybe shopping, etc.

He should not have single friends who he goes out drinking with. You both should have friends who are friends of your marriage.. this usually means other couples who respect your marriage. Sure there can be single friends involved in social gatherings as well. But not as the core of either of your social friends.
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Old 08-05-2012, 06:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore

Hi Sunshine,

I was in a very similar circumstance as yours. My husband and I were separate our first year of marriage (not by choice), he made a big move to live with me, I supported him 100% financially while he went to school. I knew his feelings for me changed and he began staying out very late with friends and not coming home at all. I know he was being influenced by his single friends and told me he didn't want to be married and didn't love me anymore. Long story short, I ended up kicking him out of the house. After about four months he came back saying he knew he wanted to be with me and loved me and made a mistake. I took him back and for a while he was better, but I am right back to him saying he is not sure if he loves me.

It sounds like you love your husband and leaving him is incredibly painful. Kicking out my husband was one of the most difficult things I have ever done because I love him, but it had to be done. In your case a little separation may be good. Your husband needs to realize that a life of parting is very fun but is meaning less in the end. You need to realize that you have done everything you could for the relationship and that it might not be meant to be. Do not plead with him to stay. I tried that and the only thing that happened was that I looked pathetic to my husband and myself. It was only once he realized that he was going to loose me that he got his crap together.

I recommend you go home to your parents for a few months. Don't think of it as breaking up but rather time apart. In the next few months he will either realize the error of his ways or you will realize you are better off without him.
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