| Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 19
|  Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Hello All,
You can call me D, I’m 30, fiancé is 39. Let me start by saying I enjoy the forums and a lot of you all seem to have great advice. I met with my DB coach for the first time this week and she was great. First, I'm going to give you some background on my situation. I've been with my fiance for 7 years. We met online and I left everything to come to be with her, 800 miles away. Things were great at first, my fiance was on the table to have gastric bypass surgery and we found out she was pregnant. We have a beautiful 6 year old daughter now. She is wonderful and the light of my life. We've had lots of problems throughout our tenure together. Lies, deception, disrespect and the list goes on. I've also been working lots of hours, and by lots of hours I mean 70+ hours a week, I'm a software engineer and the job requires it. Most of the problems were initiated by me. I'm not good at relationships and realize I'm probably the reason for everything that's happening now. I didn’t give her any attention whatsoever.
Flash back two weeks ago. I thought things were going well, she had stopped nagging me so much. We were having sex regularly and the sex was fantastic. She had started going tanning, mind you she has lost 140 lbs after her bypass surgery and I've always thought she was sexy, I've never said a word to her about her weight even when she was 140 lbs heavier. I tell her she's beautiful all the time. She also went and got her nose pierced and was quite proud to show her pictures on FB. Then one night, she said I'm going out, wouldn't tell me where she was going. Curiousity got the best of me and I checked her phone records because her cell phone is on my plan. She had been calling a strange number every night when she left to go tanning. This number was in TX, I also noticed the usage on her cell phone was absolutely crazy. She had went from averaging 100 texts a month to well over 5000 for the current month. I was full or rage, angry and confronted her then told her to get the "f" out. We talked later that night and she assured me, he was a friend that she had always kept in contact with. We figured things out for the night and I told her I was ok with it. Fast forward a few days, curiousity strikes again. I check her Email account, that I acquired with a keylogger on the computer. They had been having chats all day at work. With references to sexual dreams about one another, hugs, squeezes, I've missed you so much, you make me smile stuff. I confronted her that afternoon. She's furious and says I illegally accessed her account. I'm reading too much into it. I break down again and accept her explanation and let things go for a few days. She says she needs to work on our relationship just as much as I do. Ok, we agree about something. She changes her email password the next day. She puts a pw on her phone. Says she will not stop talking to friends just because I want her too. Had the nerve to tell me that she talked to him, and determined that she wasn't going to complicate things with him; (this time) they have history, they would just stay friends forever and keep in contact.
We went down to her Dad's house the next day, who I adore. We have a very good relationship. The whole time we were at her Dad's house she was texting this guy. I mean nonstop for 6 hours. I break down crying in the bed that night, she says she can't take this, I'm like a yoyo. One minute I'm ok, the next I'm freaking out. This is true, I've never felt these emotions before. I didn't know how to react. I apologize again, things go okay for a few days. I'm still checking her records and she's contacting him regularly and texting him hundreds of times a day. She came home from work Tuesday night and I blow up. I said, it's either stop talking to this "friend" and work on us or get her stuff and get out. My neighbor is a police officer, so I let her know I was going next door to talk to her. My neighbor says I would have to get her evicted. My name is the only one on the house, she says that we are common law married and I would have to evict her. Okay, not the answer I wanted. I come back to the house, I say, I will not enable you to talk to this home-wrecker, (she says we had issues and he is nothing to do with it) I'm disconnecting your cell phone and you need to leave as soon as possible. I pick up my phone and call our cell provider to disconnect her line. She loses it, freaks out, calls 911. I had 4 cops at my house asking me questions. I tell them what's going on, they speak to her, speak to me and determine no crime was committed. They tell me to hang in there. She tells the police, I'm acting irrational and that she's afraid to be alone with me without a phone. The house phone was not going to be disconnected. She could have used that. We argue back and forth even after the police leave. She mentions that I'm the only one crazy enough to stay with her for 7 years, I'm the longest relationship she's ever had.
She told me the following day she talked to her Dad, told him what’s going on. “He said we really like him, a lot. (referring to me) If you need money or a new phone, or need anything call me. “ She told me how, there was nothing going on with this friend and that he lives a different lifestyle which she would not have our daughter around. Ok, thanks for the info. I tell her, she can talk to him if she wants, the way I’ve treated her for the past several years, she has a right to do whatever she wants. I’m attempting my 180. Which is reacting to her talking to this fool, to no reaction at all.
I take calls and texts from her the next day that are mostly freak outs and rude comments. I'm trying now after talking with my DB coach, to stop checking on her all the time. Hard commitment, I check here and there, but I’ve been great about not checking since Thursday. I don’t want to know, it hurts too much. Thursday evening, my daughter had a popsicle social at her school to meet her new 1st grade teacher. My fiancé goes but rides in a separate vehicle. She’s texting this guy at the freaking school, she says are you watching her? I’m going to go. I said ok, see you later. She goes tanning to talk to her friend. I haven’t checked records to make sure as I’m trying to stop that. When we get home, she’s waiting here, she stopped at the store and got me one of my favorite rootbeers. Why???? I stay cheery and she sits on the couch and pouts then finally retreats to the bedroom and locks the door. She would not respond to my daughter when she knocked and asked her questions. Which really p’d me off. Finally talked to her later that night, she closed our joint checking, gave me 200 to open my own checking account. I slept on the couch, the next morning, she wanted her money back. I gave it to her. Who is the yo-yo now?
Yesterday before work, she asks me to put lotion on her back, I do. She suggests that my daughter go to her Grandmother’s for the weekend, this weekend so we can talk. I agree, reluctantly. My wife is a paralegal and ultimately, thinks she has me trumped on everything. So I’m worried about seeing my daughter again and her being removed from the family home, since she’s at my fiance’s parents house (not her Dad that I like). I’m still paranoid and hope she comes home tomorrow. Last night, I sat there and rubbed her feet through all the rude and evil comments. I tried to take her to dinner, she didn’t feel like going. The whole time I was rubbing her feet, she was texting him. She takes her phone wherever she goes, including the bathroom, places it face down on her chest, when she’s laying down, face down on the table when she puts it down. She’s like a crack addict. She also tells me she’s thinking of getting a tattoo, mind you, I’ve heard for the past 7 years how disgusting they are. The OM just got a new tattoo I saw on FB. Piercings, tattoos? Who is this woman? Anyway, she’s talking about leaving again, says she’s getting a new car, a new iPad. I tell her she can stay here as long as she needs. Wonders where she’ll move to that will let her have her dog. I have not begged her to stay once, and I refuse to. I’m trying to be as nice as possible without begging or acting needy. I fought back tears most of the day yesterday.
I check my Instagram (for those who don’t know, people post their photographs there) she has tons of likes and comments from OM, including on our daughter which makes me furious. I’m at a crossroads here, I know I need to get a life. Was thinking of going out tonight and enjoying myself, but I have no money. My paycheck is floating since she closed her account. What do you guys suggest? Is it over you think? I have a hard time doing a 180 that’s not talking to her because my attention neglect is what got us here. I’m thinking my 180 should be talking to her and giving her attention since I hadn’t done that before. Any advice?
Thanks,
D
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