Someone Help Please

CodeComplete · 08-09-2012, 09:45 AM

Here is my story. My wife and I got together 23 years ago. At first things were awesome and the sex was wild. She did things I had never imagined. She was the first to say “I love you.” Six months in she broke up with me because I was controlling and could be a jerk. Guilty as charged. After being apart for a number of weeks she gets back with me. Why? Because her father, a man she respects like no other, suggests that we had spent a lot of time together and that people who do that will get on each other’s nerves. I had been ready to move on but I was happy to get back with her. Fast forward one year and we get married which looking back now feels like a mistake.

The original reasons for her breaking up with me persisted. She is a very sensitive person with very high standards. I, on the other hand, have been an insensitive person who is mistake prone. Get the picture? So for years I have hurt her feelings (not meaning to). I have been controlling by using emotions. I have been jealous. I have been insecure. I have been possessive. I seem to cause her to be upset with me often. This drives my insecurity. I strive to be good enough so that she will love me. On the other hand I feel like she watches me looking for any mistakes that I may make especially in groups of people. I am consistently in trouble for something I have said or done in a group. I can always tell on the way home that I have done something wrong by her demeanor. I used to be apologetic but now I get angry. I admit I make mistakes often.

I have been using pornography for years. We have, on occasion, looked at porn together. My use has injured her feelings towards me sexually. She always is wondering “does he want to do this or that because he saw it in porn?” Our sex life has suffered a lot from when we first got together. She feels I have pressured her way too much. I own my part. Too much porn and too much masturbation. I get the feeling that the porn use is part of a bigger picture problem. I feel I am missing something.

I have gained a lot of weight through the years which does not help things. I exercise a lot but as anyone will tell you it is more about the food. I struggle to get a handle on it.

I have taken ownership of my character flaws. I have learned to embrace my fears and accept that I must trust and accept that pain comes in life. I have given up jealousy. I have given up my controlling ways. I am much more calm. I am much more patient with the kids. I have joined a 12 step program to give up my porn use.

I yearn to be touched, for affection. She really has not touched me much outside of sex for years. I have to be the initiator. I would love to kiss once in a while. She is either not very affectionate or her heart is in such a state regarding me that she does not have it in her to do it.

We have some things in common such as our faith. Our main activity we do together is watch TV at night after the kids go to bed. I desire more but she said that given that we have 3 kids at home(14,12,9) there is no room. I desire to spend time doing more things together but she has a point.

We have three kids together and they are wonderful. We have built a life together. We have a lot of shared experiences. We have a common faith. I want to stay together but I feel like giving up. I really don’t blame her for the state of her heart. I just feel like there is just too much crap built up. I need to be shown love—to be touched, to be praised, to be admired by my wife. I feel like I can never measure up. All of her friends have expressed that they would not be able to put up with me. Great huh?

I believe I am a good looking man will be way better without the weight. I have a good job and make excellent money. I am a nice. I am funny. I am smart.

Am I having a divorce fantasy? Should I just stay and prove that I have left a lot of my character flaws behind? I am so weary. Do I really want work for years to try to regain some trust only to find I will never get what I desire? Is what I desire unreasonable? After 20 plus years can I really expect romance? I don’t want my kids to suffer but I want more. Am I just being selfish?

Shoeguy · 08-09-2012, 03:10 PM

Sorry if this comes across a little harsh. I feel you are the only one that can answer those questions. No one on a board can convince you to make yourself more healthy or work on your marriage.

Sounds like it took you a lot of years to collect the baggage and only time and effort will get rid of it. Hard work on yourself and your marriage. Divorce may sound like an easy way out but the grass is not always greener on he other side. There are plenty of stories about that on this site.

I didn't see anything about talking with your wife about your thoughts. Have you done that? How far along are you down the road of questioning if a divorce is what you want? What does she want?

You have already made a choice to seek an outlet where you can share your thoughts and opinions. That seems like a good start on a long journey.

Good luck.

Shoeguy

CodeComplete · 08-09-2012, 03:17 PM

I just don't know if there is enough to work on. If I thought that it was highly likely that in future, with hard work, that things would be better than they ever have been I would do it in a heart beat. I just wonder if someone has been in a similiar situation that can offer advice. I would like to know if someone got a divorce and found happiness down the road or if someone got a divorce and ended up right back where they were before. I don't want to spend the next 10 years of my life fighting for the impossible. If may be that I am just the wrong guy for my wife despite making changes or maybe she is the wrong girl for me.

In_The_Wind · 08-09-2012, 03:25 PM

no i dont feel you are being selfish it takes 2 to tango you own 50% and she owns 50% its not fair to put everything on you and your actions maybe she should lighten up more would be my take consider getting a babysitter and or someone to watch the kids one night a week and work on intimacy do things that yall used to do before the kids arrived or when you were first dating or discover new things sitting with each other watching tv is not us time i feel like they say that a healthy relationship needs a minimum of 10hrs a week of quality time and yall are getting 0 work on these areas with her and Good Luck

CodeComplete · 08-09-2012, 03:32 PM

My wife is full of anger at me. We have been doing MC and IC but is has made my wife more angry. She is angry about all the years of porn. She is angry at some of the things I have done the past couple of years(such as an EA). She is angry that I am unhappy with her and our relationship. She is angry at my past controlling behaviors. She really just wants freedom from me right now. My friend said it best when he said that I need to just be a dormat for the near future. I have a hard time being a dormat. I have hard time not getting any love right now.

Shoeguy · 08-09-2012, 03:37 PM

Sorry maybe someone else can chime in. My situation was totally different. But it sounds like you don't feel that your family is worth work and that is probably a bad place to be. Have you really left your character flaws behind or does she feel you still have some things to work on like all of us?

The thing to remember or know I guess is each and everyone's story is unique. There may be some similarities but really how you feel, and her for that matter, makes the difference. Nothing is going to get better unless you work on it. You can probably take that one to the bank.

Stick around and read some stories. Some people here are hurt, some sad, some mad, some are really happy with their decision to divorce or stay together.

Asking people if you should put effort into a 20 year marriage is most likely not going to get you answers.

What have you done to change things other than a 12 step program to cure your porn addiction?

Why do you think that your 20 yr marriage isn't worth effort to get back to a happy place?

What is your picture of a "place where things are better than they ever have been"?

Maybe answering those questions will help you decide what to do.

CodeComplete · 08-09-2012, 03:49 PM

Thanks for the input. I don't think things have ever been great in our relationship and I take responsibility for that. Maybe I am rewriting history in my head to rationalize my desire to get out. I am so confused. I cycle through different states every day. I want to snap my fingers and be 100% committed to my wife and family. Would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who just puts up with you and doesn't really want you? My wife is very loyal and dedicated. If she was not a Christian she would have been long gone and she said that. I don't want to continue to make her miserable and unhappy.

CodeComplete · 08-09-2012, 04:09 PM

We separated for 7 weeks earlier in the summer. I went to a long term hotel. I know she felt relief because she said she has been very nervous around me lately. I realized I had been nervous too worried that I will make a mistake and make her angry. I kind of enjoyed my time there to be honest. Well, she going on a short trip with kids that I am not invited on to "have time to think and be able to smile again."

CodeComplete · 08-09-2012, 04:13 PM

I really do want it to work out but I have finally come to a different belief. For a long time I felt like she was the only one in the world for me. A bad case of oneitus. That made me too uptight about losing her and made things worse. I now know that I can survive without her which really helps me. I don't want out and I want her but I won't die if things don't work out.

Shoeguy · 08-09-2012, 04:14 PM

I know that eggshell feeling. i had it for a few months before I moved out and got divorced. I now think that during that time is when you either get busy working on it or get busy moving out.

I know the longing to spend more time with my kids is as painful or worse than that nervous feeling I had that could have been worked on.

Just my two cents from the other side of the fence.

CodeComplete · 08-09-2012, 04:20 PM

Shoeguy,

I really appreciate your perspective. It is helping me stay grounded.

That is another problem we have. Anytime I don't interact with the kids in way she approves of I get a look and a little bit of cold shoulder. I feel like I can't win. I love my kids and, yes, sometimes I get impatient with them sometimes. I don't know why it gets to me so much.

Emerald · 08-09-2012, 08:58 PM

Okay here goes............please don't get defensive but I may be able to offer you something because you sound quite a bit like my exH.

Was married 22 yrs w/2 children.

You sound very controlling & angry (like my ex) & that is VERY difficult for your W to live with. I wanted to leave him daily but did not have the courage.....until I did (he freaked).

....and SEX? exH also gained alot of weight so physically....uggg...but the EMOTIONAL was "oh Hell no."

I am happy to hear you are getting professional help. It may be too late for your M but will set you up to be a better person.

CodeComplete · 08-09-2012, 10:59 PM

Emerald,

I am not defensive at all and appreciate your comments. I am totally open to hear anything that might help. Yes I am very sad that we both have suffered through all this junk. I was never verbally or physically abusive. I guess my controlling was via emotions. I have learned to get over my fears and accept that she is her own person with her own life. I hope someday she will come back to me. I am doing all that I can but it may be too late. Hopefully I won't ever repeat the same mistakes again.

Were you ever happy with him? Were you really attracted to him at first? What could he have done to fix what was wrong in your marriage (besides lose weight, I am working on that)?

Shoeguy · 08-10-2012, 09:40 AM

Code,

Are you happy with yourself? From the posting I'm reading you are comletely but have learned to deal with it. Personally I think that is where you start. Don't learn how do deal with shortcomings try and fix them.

She will never be happy with you if you are not happy with yourself.

Concerntrate on growing and healing personally. If she comes around great, if not you haven't lost anything but in a better place. Win -Win but the prise would be if she notices and comes back around.

But it is a long road and doesn't come over-night and most likely noone will promise you anything.

Shoeguy

CodeComplete · 08-10-2012, 10:58 AM

If my wife and I agree that she should have never married me can it really be that bad of an idea to divorce? I own my issues and what I have caused in this marriage. I am changing but while I accept my part in all this I am still broken. I am broken from a lack of love and affection. What has sustained me all these years is sex to be honest. She had done her wifely duty all these years. She is done with that and I need more. I need to be loved even though I have been tough to love. I am dying to be touched by hands that want to touch me.