08-09-2012, 09:45 AM
Join Date: Aug 2012
| | Someone Help Please
Here is my story. My wife and I got together 23 years ago. At first things were awesome and the sex was wild. She did things I had never imagined. She was the first to say “I love you.” Six months in she broke up with me because I was controlling and could be a jerk. Guilty as charged. After being apart for a number of weeks she gets back with me. Why? Because her father, a man she respects like no other, suggests that we had spent a lot of time together and that people who do that will get on each other’s nerves. I had been ready to move on but I was happy to get back with her. Fast forward one year and we get married which looking back now feels like a mistake.
The original reasons for her breaking up with me persisted. She is a very sensitive person with very high standards. I, on the other hand, have been an insensitive person who is mistake prone. Get the picture? So for years I have hurt her feelings (not meaning to). I have been controlling by using emotions. I have been jealous. I have been insecure. I have been possessive. I seem to cause her to be upset with me often. This drives my insecurity. I strive to be good enough so that she will love me. On the other hand I feel like she watches me looking for any mistakes that I may make especially in groups of people. I am consistently in trouble for something I have said or done in a group. I can always tell on the way home that I have done something wrong by her demeanor. I used to be apologetic but now I get angry. I admit I make mistakes often.
I have been using pornography for years. We have, on occasion, looked at porn together. My use has injured her feelings towards me sexually. She always is wondering “does he want to do this or that because he saw it in porn?” Our sex life has suffered a lot from when we first got together. She feels I have pressured her way too much. I own my part. Too much porn and too much masturbation. I get the feeling that the porn use is part of a bigger picture problem. I feel I am missing something.
I have gained a lot of weight through the years which does not help things. I exercise a lot but as anyone will tell you it is more about the food. I struggle to get a handle on it.
I have taken ownership of my character flaws. I have learned to embrace my fears and accept that I must trust and accept that pain comes in life. I have given up jealousy. I have given up my controlling ways. I am much more calm. I am much more patient with the kids. I have joined a 12 step program to give up my porn use.
I yearn to be touched, for affection. She really has not touched me much outside of sex for years. I have to be the initiator. I would love to kiss once in a while. She is either not very affectionate or her heart is in such a state regarding me that she does not have it in her to do it.
We have some things in common such as our faith. Our main activity we do together is watch TV at night after the kids go to bed. I desire more but she said that given that we have 3 kids at home(14,12,9) there is no room. I desire to spend time doing more things together but she has a point.
We have three kids together and they are wonderful. We have built a life together. We have a lot of shared experiences. We have a common faith. I want to stay together but I feel like giving up. I really don’t blame her for the state of her heart. I just feel like there is just too much crap built up. I need to be shown love—to be touched, to be praised, to be admired by my wife. I feel like I can never measure up. All of her friends have expressed that they would not be able to put up with me. Great huh?
I believe I am a good looking man will be way better without the weight. I have a good job and make excellent money. I am a nice. I am funny. I am smart.
Am I having a divorce fantasy? Should I just stay and prove that I have left a lot of my character flaws behind? I am so weary. Do I really want work for years to try to regain some trust only to find I will never get what I desire? Is what I desire unreasonable? After 20 plus years can I really expect romance? I don’t want my kids to suffer but I want more. Am I just being selfish?