First off, I tried looking for my original post for back story for any new readers, Im probably overlooking it, but I trust that my original supporters from those posts will be here as well. My "rambo' "victim" "martyr" husband showing only smaller outbursts and cues into the things that have eventually come to pass and many years walking on eggshells and putting me in a constant fight or flight mode through every trivial situation at this point 12 years into our marriage. 3 young children and of recent years a good handful of violent episodes towards me. (small summary)
Since money is such an issue, at the beginning of the summer when I told him I wanted to separate, well I leaned towards divorce in the initial conversation but told him we would go through the proper 1 yr separation first and see how things go. We agreed to make it through the summer since so far we were able to be very civil towards each other, in the back of my mind I knew it was just allowing him to be a perfect guy throughout the summer just to smooth me back over and of course here at the end of the summer he thinks all talks are off the table since its gone so well. Just as I knew it would happen. Which now leaves me back at square one with this pit in my stomach doing all that hard work and finding the courage all over again to bring up "the talk".
I dont like what this relationship has turned me into. And through any talks with family, friends, anyone that knows anything about our situation Ive always been honest about my faults as well, and have done everything to assure him of that so he doesnt feel like im just throwing him under the bus and trying to come out smelling like roses. My biggest faults of recent years, I handle the bills because he just simply cant handle the pressure of working all the time & demands at work PLUS the other end of things. Im always trying to play a balancing act of keeping him happy while juggling the bills and other matters even while keeping him happy and the bills sometimes cross paths. Juggling money, ending up borrowing from next week to finish up the current week, all the while being so afraid to ask him for help. The stress of his moods and temper over the years coupled with the stress of handling all these other things myself, (not trying to be a martyr, just the way things have ended up, or how I let them end up) but Ive never felt secure or safe that we have a "teamwork" relationship. Over the summer the mortgage got behind, juggling all I could til I finally had to tell him about it. Im not proud of it, Im not happy at all with the person I have become as a result of this life. Ive always wanted more than anything to feel safe to come to him. To have that true teamwork. but its never felt safe enough. Now Ive gone over a week of his hatred towards me, smart comments, the first day of this he tried taking my phone, atm card, keys, he sat on the couch at one point refusing to help saying he did what he was suppose to- work and bring in the $- and to a very real extent I do understand his frustration. But he still doesnt understand that after just 4 months ago when he strangled me-twice that night- i still have very real fear inside of me. Then hes blowing up saying hes not going to be blamed for things, I told him Im not fully blaming him, I know I could have taken a better route earlier to the fixing of the problem, but I was still very afraid to. So he just takes it as black or white, just flat blame like I dont have a care in the world. Because Im at home with the kids and hes out working. He insisted it be this way when we first got together and building a family immediately I agreed because I wanted to be able to stay at home with my children until they reached school age then I would go out and work. Now hes on the couch this morning "DAD is the only one that has to suffer, the only thing DAD does is work and work and work" ....but isnt that what wanted to begin with? Isnt that what he asked for? Even if the money simply wasnt there and I told him at the forefront instead of after hed still have to work just as hard. And is exactly why Ive wanted to work too to keep some of this stress off of him. DAD never gets what he wants --BS, & Im the very last one to ever ask for anything after balancing between his needs, the kids needs, and the rest to running the house. Ive been depressed and feel like Im about to go into a full breakdown for so many years while keeping a smile on my face just to push on through, all of which has aided in me not being able to best take care of these everyday issues to the best of my ability. Im so worn and beaten by this life that we've shared and I dont like who its made me. But of course now that this current issue is MY fault EVERYTHING is all on me and he wont even try to hear me out because of his anger. The first day upon trying to take my belongings he also grabbed a dull steak knife and started sawing at his wrist.. didnt really do anything but scratch him but with the kids in the house I put my foot down and said im calling someone I stepped outside where he followed and it became a small tussle match in the front yard him trying to get the phone from me, and the screaming as well, I really cant believe no one else called.
So especially now I feel like even to heal myself and better myself and start to get back the person I know that I am, he still needs to leave. (oh yea now with it being my fault he says this is HIS house and hes not going anywhere). I never wanted to do these things this way, the best I can explain, it feels like these things with him have led me back to almost childlike fear and trying to protect myself from the initial outlash which in the end only gets me in deeper trouble with him. I see now more than ever all the things in myself that need fixing as a result of all of this and I just cant do it with him around and the pressure he places on me. Like when I accidentally clipped a shopping cart and dented the front fender of the truck I get bloody hell for days because its costed us money that HE works for because I have nothing of my own to contribute, but of course when he had his motorcycle and ran up hundreds and hundreds in lawyers fees just to get out of doing wheelies summer after summer thats ok because its HIM working for it and he can only blame himself... but look out if he can blame YOU for something!! I just cant take the pressure anymore. Ill have to build the courage again to lay the talk out on the table again... after this incident is resolved of course so hes not attacking me throught the process.
Did I read that right - he strangled you? In my world we call that domestic violence and you should not stay with someone that physically harms you. period. There should be not talking- just packing, in my opinion.
Have you considered IC? It would be helpful for you to help sort out your feelings, and give you guidance throughout this.
How old are your children? Could you find a job, even part-time to get yourself to a place where you'd have some money on your own?
I didn't read your original thread, so I'm missing some of the back story. If you husband is abusive, and you fear for your safety, or for the safety of your children, you need to get away from him. If you are ready to tell him that it's over, call the police first explain the situation to them, tell them that you are leaving him, and that he's violent and you fear for your safety in doing so.
Children are 11, 8, & 2. Ive been going to school thanks to a grant and have finished my internship last semester. Since im at home with the kids thats why we decided to wait out the summer til they go back to school & I could finally find work in the field and would be better help to separating. The only place around here to go is more just one nighter kinda thing, otherwise Im from MD and thats the only place I know I could go but of course thats a whole other issue of taking them out of state. But i do have documentation of the abuse, twice I have called on him, after this last strangulation time I also took out a temporary RO which I also detailed most of the other incidents of violence that I hadnt called on. This last time was the worst, where in I still have fear which he doesnt seem to comprehend. Other times include shoving me so hard i flew back and fell on my wrist and broke it, smacking open handed so hard I was out cold for a few, 5 punches to the face one night (that was the first major) other minor ones were little shoves pulling me back by my hair walking away from him during an argument. This last time he was ordered to start counseling and has stopped drinking, which all summer hes been ok but the past cpl weeks hes hinted around about it getting to him and that he wants to again. I have actually just called the victims counselor that I spoke with in court last time but havent heard back yet. That happened in March and it is still being continued until sept 11th which he is up for felonly strangulation and assault on female.
Ok thats another issue... if hes going to make it hard on me leaving especially now that hes so furious with me, by sept 11 do I just let him go to prison?? Otherwise I was fighting to at least let him get help because he is a tremendously hard worker father etc and every other stupid excuse Ive made over the years for staying. Its the same old story, when its good its a freaking fairytale!! when its not its hell. Is turning the 180 on him and letting him go to prison the chicken way out? Im afraid of this fight he'll put up now after this incident this past week with my flubup.
The first day upon trying to take my belongings he also grabbed a dull steak knife and started sawing at his wrist.. didnt really do anything but scratch him but with the kids in the house I put my foot down and said im calling someone I stepped outside where he followed and it became a small tussle match in the front yard him trying to get the phone from me, and the screaming as well, I really cant believe no one else called.
Its going to take QUITE a bit of courage to lock him up, first we'd go there together, if separate hed know ahead of time whats coming so Id have to sit there with him and pretend until I get alone with the DA to talk to him before his case is heard bc its still my word if hes been good or not and whether he goes to jail or not... ohh boy my nerves... blood pressure has been 150's/90's already recently and they keep upping my meds but its not doing a whole lot, I guess all this is really starting to affect my health too huh. I guess in a way for the guilt I feel for this particular situation with the bills and his reaction day after day so far Im starting to feel guilty for sending him, just because this most recent episode is my fault, no matter the reasoning behind it. But thats not til sept 11th, so I guess I have some time to get over my guilt and build my courage back up by then? maybe?? Does just leaving to MD sound too drastic at this point since nothing physical technically has happend again yet? If he continues to make it this hard into sept leaving or prison are really my only options? Thank you so much for listening, I really feel like im just beating a dead horse on here like 'wow you havent left yet??' but anyone with experience in these situations I guess knows its just not that easy all the time..
OK heres the next part that I reallly need help with here, late last nite his coldness finally broke. My best friend and her man and lil one were over when he got home he comes in says hi to everyone with a smile like nothing is wrong, not knowing if I said anything to her or not about this new incident in which hes so mad at me I assumed hed at least peck me say hi to keep up appearances, didnt say a word just went out the door starting cutting grass. But I resolved after not hearing from him all day yesterday (which considering how much we talk during the day even when hes at wk is like a BIG F*** you for us) I decided to take the 180 with him and not give him the satisfaction to see me bothered by his coldness. Sooo quickly late last nite after we got kids to bed it finally broke him as no matter how mad he is at me he has a terrible weakness for me and it had already been a few days without any talking or affection. He just talked about how bad his day was, cried at work which was embarrassing for him. this n that. turned over in bed to hold me, which I just laid there n let him without any return affection. BUT as soon as hes back to loving, I guess its my nerves, and some of my heart of course sigh a huge sigh of relief and just glad things arent on red alert anymore. THIS is where I let things go back and let him be ok, with us, as more than anything thats all I ever wanted, no doubt I still love the man I started out with and to which I still see when things arent bad. HOW HOW do I keep strong on the things that are still in the back of my mind, the truth of how things are even in the good times?? I feel like Ive spent so much time, years, on this tightrope but I never jump.. One thing that has always worked to keep me stronger a little longer, yesterday while he was still in mood my son came into the kitchen I said something about tidying up his room and something else and daddys in a mood, (they have heard obviously the most recent issues with the $ and are smart enough to know whats going on) and he says, "hes always in a mood! im surprised your not use to it by now.." :*( Hes 11! Sometimes it kills me that theyre so smart, but Ive also talked to them and through the bad words and comments he threw at me in his fury of this last situation they say they know I didnt do any of it with any ill intent they know im just trying to fix things while trying to deal with him and thats not easy. I wish there was some kind of trick, how do you stay strong even when things have flipped back to good, how do you not care so you can make the harder decisions??????
how do you stay strong even when things have flipped back to good, how do you not care so you can make the harder decisions??????
You remind yourself of the horrible things that he has done, you stop believing that everything is better. You KNOW you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, you KNOW that things will escalate again, you KNOW that you and your children are in danger when things do escalate. You resolve to NOT live like this anymore, you MOVE forward without him.
Have you read about the cycle of domestic violence? Right now he's loving and sweet, he's drawing you back in to make you think you can't live without him. There will be another catalyst that will enrage him, and with each turn of the cycle he's prone to become more violent. He needs help, serious help. The help he needs is beyond anything that you can give him, and you aren't safe being with him. For you, and your children, PLEASE find a safe place to go.
Ive read it many times over, and when things were calm and we had "the talk" at the beginning of the summer I even printed out a good source that explained in plain words every bit of destructiveness it causes and how the cycle has led me to feel weak, confused, depressed etc and showed him bc sometimes in my words he just doesnt seem to get it. So there it was in black & white for him. I had managed to find a great bit of my strength when the first court date had passed in May, but has been continued then and once more til sept. first his lawyer wasnt there, the second time the DA wasnt there. I was so deflated that I didnt have my chance after all the work I had done to find that much strength. I guess Ill have to dig deep deep again in the coming weeks before this next date. It was so exhausting finding it the first time though! Please cross all extremities and help pray for my strength!! Thank you all again for lending your ears and advice.
Havent posted in a while, things have been going about the same so nothing to report. Finally court date passed yesterday, he was totally dismissed. NO probation NO anger management, nothing. so as my title says Back to square one. But I have made up my resume and have put several in this past week. The trouble is my field is early child care and basically, people dont have jobs so they dont have to send their kids to preschool to go to work, so the preschools arent hiring either. But im not giving up!! But deflated. He ended up getting some "Good Ol Boy" judge that has let DV offenders of numerous times before and even defending the acts within certain cases. Things are "ok" right now at home, so Im letting them be as such while I get this employment thing worked out and my planning, ahhh... while at the same time as always it being so hard to do all this planning when things are going so well bc thats the way theyre suppose to be!! He cried before he left yest. morning about how ashamed he was and sorry still any of these things ever happened and they never would again. And that he didnt have to make things right with the state, he had to make them right with me. I have started a few weeks ago my own IC so I think thats going to help my process also. I just wish I had more answers by now....
I have started a few weeks ago my own IC so I think thats going to help my process also. I just wish I had more answers by now....
As we discussed last May, the behaviors you describe -- e.g., the physical and verbal abuse, suicide threat, distrustful behavior, frequent temper tantrums, and rapid flips between hating you and loving you -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. That discussion starts in your thread at violent man in therapy, i dont think its working.
I note that spousal physical abuse is strongly associated with BPD in academic studies. A 1993 Canadian hospital study, for example, concluded that nearly all wife batterers exhibit strong symptoms of a personality disorder and about half of them have BPD. Therapist Roger Melton summarizes those study results at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net. Melton concludes that "Many studies done to test their research project have confirmed their conclusions, which provides stunning evidence that men who batter women have sets of distinct, unique, identifiable personality characteristics."
Of course, the very best way to find out what you likely are dealing with is to see a psychologist by yourself to obtain a professional opinion. I therefore applaud your decision to go for IC, ideally with a psychologist. And I will be very interested in what he has to tell you about your H on your third visit.