not sexually attracted to husband but love him dearly
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 08-20-2012, 03:09 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default not sexually attracted to husband but love him dearly

I was initially very attracted to my husband and we had amazing sex, in fact I almost had an orgasm with him (never had one with a partner, perhaps related to trust?) Anyway, there were things he did in our relationship that started wearing on it. I found porn on his computer and he would sometimes talk about other women, like having a threesome (a big turn off to me). He was also not always pleasant to be around and would get moody and my feelings were sometimes hurt badly. He also cheated on me a sometimes with prostitutes (before we were married), which he said was due to anxiety and is now in therapy. That being said, he also loves me with all of his heart and we are similar in many ways. He has a good heart and is a good person, despite his past hurts. He has also helped me achieve stability (he's not a rich man, but is stable financially). I do work and have my own income, but he has a house in a city that I love to be in, which I could not afford alone. I am trying to achieve my own financial security now, that would allow me to live where I want independently if need be. We have animals together, but no children. We hang out together and enjoy our company together, but I really dislike sex with him. When he touches me I recoil and want to get it over as soon as possible. I fantasize about other men (and have been strongly attracted to other people), but feel guilty about this and cry sometimes. When I think about getting a divorce, I feel a huge sense of loss and don't know if I could bear it. I feel like a part of myself would be gone. I feel like we are connected in a very special way and I don't want to lose that. When I think about him having another relationship, I get some jealous thoughts, but at times have hoped this would happen. I think part of the reason the passion for him has died is that all of the past hurts have created a barrier, a huge fortress that I am not sure can be surmounted. Does anyone have any suggestions for me on how to love him again or how to work on myself so that I can leave him without feeling like I have lost a part of myself. I want to feel strong and not dependent on him and stay together out of choice. I also need to feel passion for my husband, or else I feel like I am cheating myself and him.
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Old 08-20-2012, 09:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: not sexually attracted to husband but love him dearly

Have you considered going to individual therapy to talk about your situation? It seems to me you need to think and talk about your feelings about this situation, and if you try to talk about this with your husband without first figuring out what you really want you will end up hurting him (and your relationship) a lot.

If therapy isn't an option, then you might try reading and reflecting on your own. I haven't read it but the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay might help you work through your issues.

What does your husband think about this? He must have an inkling that you are unhappy, even if you haven't talked about it.
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Old 08-20-2012, 11:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: not sexually attracted to husband but love him dearly

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Have you considered going to individual therapy to talk about your situation? It seems to me you need to think and talk about your feelings about this situation, and if you try to talk about this with your husband without first figuring out what you really want you will end up hurting him (and your relationship) a lot.

If therapy isn't an option, then you might try reading and reflecting on your own. I haven't read it but the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay might help you work through your issues.

What does your husband think about this? He must have an inkling that you are unhappy, even if you haven't talked about it.
I've told him some of my feelings before, about the barrier between us, but he kind of brushes it aside and goes on like it does not exist. I think a lot of it is that I haven't specifically stated it and told him that things aren't okay and why and that it is a serious issue. I think by continuing to have sex with him is misleading.
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Old 08-20-2012, 11:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: not sexually attracted to husband but love him dearly

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I found porn on his computer and he would sometimes talk about other women, like having a threesome (a big turn off to me). He was also not always pleasant to be around and would get moody and my feelings were sometimes hurt badly. He also cheated on me a sometimes with prostitutes (before we were married), which he said was due to anxiety and is now in therapy.

I think part of the reason the passion for him has died is that all of the past hurts have created a barrier, a huge fortress that I am not sure can be surmounted.
That's exactly why you aren't sexually attracted to him.

Because you resent him for what he's done. And when you resent someone, you lose respect for someone. And when you lose respect for someone, the love you had for them chips away little by little.

I don't blame you for the way you feel. It makes complete sense.

A woman's libido is directly tied into our emotions (most of the time). So if he isn't making you feel loved/cherished, your attraction to him will wane.

If I were you I'd talk to him about your feelings. Be open and completely honest.

His blaming his "anxiety" on why he slept with prostitutes and cheated is a poor excuse. As someone who has dealt with anxiety, I can tell you firsthand that knocking boots is the last thing on my mind when I feel anxious.

Tell him how you feel/what you are thinking. Has he ever shown empathy or apologized for what he did?

If you cannot move past this, consider ending the relationship. It's not fair to either of you.
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Old 08-20-2012, 11:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I've told him some of my feelings before, about the barrier between us, but he kind of brushes it aside and goes on like it does not exist. I think a lot of it is that I haven't specifically stated it and told him that things aren't okay and why and that it is a serious issue. I think by continuing to have sex with him is misleading.
Until you tell him, I don't see you getting anywhere.
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Old 08-20-2012, 12:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
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That's exactly why you aren't sexually attracted to him.

Because you resent him for what he's done. And when you resent someone, you lose respect for someone. And when you lose respect for someone, the love you had for them chips away little by little.

I don't blame you for the way you feel. It makes complete sense.

A woman's libido is directly tied into our emotions (most of the time). So if he isn't making you feel loved/cherished, your attraction to him will wane.

If I were you I'd talk to him about your feelings. Be open and completely honest.

His blaming his "anxiety" on why he slept with prostitutes and cheated is a poor excuse. As someone who has dealt with anxiety, I can tell you firsthand that knocking boots is the last thing on my mind when I feel anxious.

Tell him how you feel/what you are thinking. Has he ever shown empathy or apologized for what he did?

If you cannot move past this, consider ending the relationship. It's not fair to either of you.
He did apologize and cried and begged me to stay with him and proclaimed his love for me. So I thought I could move past it. I thought I understood why a person could cheat since I have been extremely attracted to other people. I never did cheat though. I'm afraid to crush is feelings because I feel like it would destabilize him. He's had some childhood trauma. I want to do it in a gentle way.
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Old 08-20-2012, 12:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: not sexually attracted to husband but love him dearly

Then do it gently but realize: until you tell him how you feel, you can expect more of the same.

Also, him blowing off what you told him previously is not good. He should be open to listening to you.
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Old 08-20-2012, 12:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Then do it gently but realize: until you tell him how you feel, you can expect more of the same.

Also, him blowing off what you told him previously is not good. He should be open to listening to you.
How might I do this? I know he should be open to listening and I think it's a type of denial he has.
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Old 08-20-2012, 10:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
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That's exactly why you aren't sexually attracted to him.

Because you resent him for what he's done. And when you resent someone, you lose respect for someone. And when you lose respect for someone, the love you had for them chips away little by little.

I don't blame you for the way you feel. It makes complete sense.

A woman's libido is directly tied into our emotions (most of the time). So if he isn't making you feel loved/cherished, your attraction to him will wane.

If I were you I'd talk to him about your feelings. Be open and completely honest.

If you cannot move past this, consider ending the relationship. It's not fair to either of you.
That pretty much sums up my STBXW. If you're feeling this way, you need to talk to him and make sure he understands how important this is. If he's brushing you off, be VERY clear that you're serious. Tell him that you're building up resentment over whatever happened and tell him everything very clearly. Do not THINK he understands what you're saying, (I'm a guy and we don't get hints or suttle suggestions).

Don't wait until you're gone either. If you love him still sit him down and tell him exactly what you feel. If he won't listen, suggest you move out for a while to figure things out. HE WILL THEN LISTEN. Sometimes men need a kick in the balls to realize how bad things are.
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Old 08-20-2012, 10:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks for all the insight. I greatly appreciate it. I am going to try to talk to him about it soon.
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Old 08-20-2012, 11:10 PM   #11 (permalink)
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So you felt it at one time.



So you know why.

The question is do you want to get past those issues and back to the old times?



So you're thinking more with your head and not your heart.
It would be ideal is I could be passionately in love with him again, since we are already together and he is a good person and we are best friends. I have always believed that my true love would be someone who was always faithful and was usually kind rarely hurtful and who also did not like porn. A big turn off to me is someone who objectifies women. I'm not saying all porn is bad, but what I saw was gross. To me it was disrespectful and it really bothered me. And, yes I am thinking more with my head, but to an extent with my heart. There are different types of love and right now I love him with all of my heart in a platonic way.
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Old 08-21-2012, 12:07 AM   #12 (permalink)
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It would be ideal is I could be passionately in love with him again, since we are already together and he is a good person and we are best friends. I have always believed that my true love would be someone who was always faithful and was usually kind rarely hurtful and who also did not like porn. A big turn off to me is someone who objectifies women. I'm not saying all porn is bad, but what I saw was gross. To me it was disrespectful and it really bothered me. And, yes I am thinking more with my head, but to an extent with my heart. There are different types of love and right now I love him with all of my heart in a platonic way.
Jazzy, I am a male, and I could write pages about why I think porn is a problem, but I still get drawn to it and it is a hard temptation to fight. I don't think I know any guy who doesn't struggle with this.

If you find a guy who says he doesn't, I would suspect you have more likely found a liar than a saint.

Not what you wanted to hear I know.
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Old 08-21-2012, 12:24 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Jazzy, I am a male, and I could write pages about why I think porn is a problem, but I still get drawn to it and it is a hard temptation to fight. I don't think I know any guy who doesn't struggle with this.

If you find a guy who says he doesn't, I would suspect you have more likely found a liar than a saint.

Not what you wanted to hear I know.
It wasn't just porn, it was also when he mentioned having additional partners while we were being intimate which hurt my feelings. What I wanted is for someone to be only thinking of me at the time, to be totally connected with me in a way that was not merely physical but emotional. He showed me that he was not connected emotionally and his relationship to sex is different than mine and that is a problem. The fact that he could cheat on me repeatedly and would go out with his friend and flirt with other women was another huge turn off. Those are men I have tried to avoid. At the same time we formed a beautiful friendship and he did eventually tell me the truth and is getting therapy for it. But, it might be too late if we can't rekindle the passion because I cannot be married to someone I am not passionate about. But the loss would be very destabilizing right now because we've started to form a life together, I am afraid I would lose a part of myself. It's hard to be alone.
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