not sexually attracted to husband but love him dearly
I was initially very attracted to my husband and we had amazing sex, in fact I almost had an orgasm with him (never had one with a partner, perhaps related to trust?) Anyway, there were things he did in our relationship that started wearing on it. I found porn on his computer and he would sometimes talk about other women, like having a threesome (a big turn off to me). He was also not always pleasant to be around and would get moody and my feelings were sometimes hurt badly. He also cheated on me a sometimes with prostitutes (before we were married), which he said was due to anxiety and is now in therapy. That being said, he also loves me with all of his heart and we are similar in many ways. He has a good heart and is a good person, despite his past hurts. He has also helped me achieve stability (he's not a rich man, but is stable financially). I do work and have my own income, but he has a house in a city that I love to be in, which I could not afford alone. I am trying to achieve my own financial security now, that would allow me to live where I want independently if need be. We have animals together, but no children. We hang out together and enjoy our company together, but I really dislike sex with him. When he touches me I recoil and want to get it over as soon as possible. I fantasize about other men (and have been strongly attracted to other people), but feel guilty about this and cry sometimes. When I think about getting a divorce, I feel a huge sense of loss and don't know if I could bear it. I feel like a part of myself would be gone. I feel like we are connected in a very special way and I don't want to lose that. When I think about him having another relationship, I get some jealous thoughts, but at times have hoped this would happen. I think part of the reason the passion for him has died is that all of the past hurts have created a barrier, a huge fortress that I am not sure can be surmounted. Does anyone have any suggestions for me on how to love him again or how to work on myself so that I can leave him without feeling like I have lost a part of myself. I want to feel strong and not dependent on him and stay together out of choice. I also need to feel passion for my husband, or else I feel like I am cheating myself and him.