In such a mess :(

wifeandmummy · 08-20-2012, 03:55 PM

Hi...im new here...cant ever say this is th sort of furom I have ever looked for before

Im 30 years old and have been married to my husand for 7 years (together for 11 years) we have a busy life of three young children (5,3 and 18 months) and im a stay at home mummy.

My husband and I have always had a fairly up and down marriage with a fair amount of disagreeing, arguing etc and then the next day we act as though nothing has happened. Our triggers are always money and the kids. I dont like his temper with the kids..he is short tempered with them and being young children they like to push boundaries...

Earlier this year I asked him to leave twice as the arguments were just getting out of hand/daily and It crushes me that this is the environment the kids live in

I dont want it for them...I grew up with parents who probably should have divcorced and saw far too much arguing etc. Both times he left he came back and we worked things out...everything was rosey for a few weeks and then back to square one again...

Tonight kicked off another row and I told him I couldnt live like this anymore...we are both on medication (anti depressants)...we have lovely happy days but then they are outwighed with the arguing etc

My head is such a mess...he has packed his stuff tonight and says he is leaving tomorow...so much of me wants to ask him to stay but I dont think I can put myself or the kids through this anymore

Uptown · 08-20-2012, 07:46 PM

W&M, welcome to the TAM forum. I believe it would be helpful if you would provide us with more detail about the fights. How verbally abusive is your H? Is the abuse directed at both you and the kids? Are his rages limited to his loved ones, only rarely extending to strangers or casual friends? Does he exhibit temper tantrums that are triggered in less than a minute, last about five hours, and occur two or three times a month?

Further, does he have great difficulty trusting you? Finally, does he do a lot of black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" (i.e., "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "against me")? I ask these questions in hopes of clarifying the nature of your H's mood changes.

sharkeey · 08-20-2012, 07:50 PM

It takes two to argue. If you don't hit back (verbally) then he'll burn himself out.

But rather than turn and walk away, you yell back and the cycle escalates.

You're probably just as much at fault here as he is.

wifeandmummy · 08-21-2012, 01:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Uptown

W&M, welcome to the TAM forum. I believe it would be helpful if you would provide us with more detail about the fights. How verbally abusive is your H? Is the abuse directed at both you and the kids? Are his rages limited to his loved ones, only rarely extending to strangers or casual friends? Does he exhibit temper tantrums that are triggered in less than a minute, last about five hours, and occur two or three times a month?

Further, does he have great difficulty trusting you? Finally, does he do a lot of black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" (i.e., "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "against me")? I ask these questions in hopes of clarifying the nature of your H's mood changes.

thanks for your reply...he looses his temper very quickly and sometimes without warning...he has a fairly negative outlook on life and often dooms things before they even happen

He doesn't have trust issues but often misinterprets situations thinking I/other people mean something conpletly different and will fly off the handle. It'd not just with me but he has been very confrontational with members of my family too resulting in hard feeling there too.

With the kids he has very little patience and will shout and bawl at then over small/insignificant things...
He is confontational with strangers too and will shout at someone in a carpark for instance or if someone walks in his way in a supermarket etc...he isn't afraid to make very loud coments...

I meant to say that any intimacy is pretty one sided too..its all about him which I don't have an issue with...I'm just used to it now.
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wifeandmummy · 08-21-2012, 01:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sharkeey

It takes two to argue. If you don't hit back (verbally) then he'll burn himself out.

But rather than turn and walk away, you yell back and the cycle escalates.

You're probably just as much at fault here as he is.

This is true but after 11 years I dont know if I just want to sit back and let him rant/loose his temper and shout without standing up for the children and myself... I have walked away from arguments more times than I care to remember to 'keep the peace' but surly we should be able to talk about issues without them escalating....
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wifeandmummy · 08-21-2012, 03:10 AM

He has gone this morning and taken a case with him...said a tearful goodbye to the children which upset them and now im left trying to work out what the hell to do...he has always come back before but I dont know if I want him to this time. We cant ive like this

Uptown · 08-21-2012, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wifeandmummy

He doesn't have trust issues but often misinterprets situations thinking I/other people mean something completely different and will fly off the handle.

W&M, I disagree. That sounds like a serious trust issue to me. If he were able to trust other people, he would be willing to take them at their word and believe them when they tell him he has misinterpreted their intentions.

Quote:

With the kids he has very little patience and will shout and bawl at then over small/insignificant things...He is confrontational with strangers too.

That's a red flag that he likely has much anger inside that he has been carrying since early childhood. The result is that you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is always there. This would explain why his tantrums can erupt in less than a minute -- often in only ten seconds.

Quote:

He will shout at someone in a carpark for instance or if someone walks in his way in a supermarket etc...he isn't afraid to make very loud comments...

That behavior is called "bullying." It is a sign of low self esteem combined with a lack of regulation of his emotions. It is not that he cannot control his emotions. Rather, it is that he chooses not to control them. Stated differently, you are describing the behavior of a grown man who has the emotional development of a four year old. As long as you continue to walk on eggshells around him, he has no incentive to grow up and take responsibility for his immature behavior.

Quote:

Any intimacy is pretty one sided too..its all about him.

You are describing behaviors that, in several respects, match those of my abusive exW, who has strong traits of a personality disorder. I therefore suggest you read my description of her behavioral traits in Maybe's thread to see if you recognize several other traits too. My post there begins at My list of hell!. If that description rings a bell, W&M, I would be glad to discuss it with you.

wifeandmummy · 08-22-2012, 03:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Uptown

W&M, I disagree. That sounds like a serious trust issue to me. If he were able to trust other people, he would be willing to take them at their word and believe them when they tell him he has misinterpreted their intentions.That's a red flag that he likely has much anger inside that he has been carrying since early childhood. The result is that you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is always there. This would explain why his tantrums can erupt in less than a minute -- often in only ten seconds.That behavior is called "bullying." It is a sign of low self esteem combined with a lack of regulation of his emotions. It is not that he cannot control his emotions. Rather, it is that he chooses not to control them. Stated differently, you are describing the behavior of a grown man who has the emotional development of a four year old. As long as you continue to walk on eggshells around him, he has no incentive to grow up and take responsibility for his immature behavior.You are describing behaviors that, in several respects, match those of my abusive exW, who has strong traits of a personality disorder. I therefore suggest you read my description of her behavioral traits in Maybe's thread to see if you recognize several other traits too. My post there begins at My list of hell!. If that description rings a bell, W&M, I would be glad to discuss it with you.

Thank you for your reply...I hadnt ever thought about the trust issue like that so thats for pointing it out.

I looked through your thread and yes there are some similarities...one of the hardest to deal with and most exhausting is the constant 'victim' feeling that he has...that everyone and everything is against him (including me even when im killing myself to try and say the right things).

He does loose his temper very quickly and over small things that personally I would have just let go...like he cant distinguish between big issues and small ones...they all get the same reaction.

He also grabs hold of something in a argument and holds onto it...even if its not what I said...I often feel like im going completly crazy becuase its like he is having the argument with someone else!! Oddly enough he also 'over reacts' in my mind when he does something that cuases pain...like one of the kids will jump on him and he jumps up with a huge over reaction of how much it hurt etc or if he bangs his elbow then he will 'wince' with pain for ages/pull and face etc...he is very clumsy...and i loose face about it all and often roll my eyes away from him.

I know what his triggers are (money and the kids) he has been put on anti depressants becuase of 'work related' stress and thats all he can focus on...his stress, his issues etc nevermind that im also on anti depressants for post nata depression and struggling with everything...its like that doesnt exist. He just sees me failing to help and suport him through his problems.

Anyway im rambling now but thank you...for the first time in along time I feel like im might not be going as crazy as I was starting to think!! x