carrotsndip

Hi Everyone,

I recently stumbled upon this site through google, while searching for "courage to leave when unhappy".

I have been with my current boyfriend for nearly 8 years. We met, sparks flew, and in that first few years of our relationship, that was the happiest time of my life.

I'm 26 and he's 32. I met him/started dating him when I was 18. I had never been in long term relationships.. just a few here and there.

Near the 3 year mark, things were starting to go downhill. We had no intamacy, no sexual contact.. nothing. I found myself unwilling to engage in anything sexual with him. Naturally, I thought that this was something wrong with me.. Must me something in my head/problem with my lady bits etc. Around that time I was thinking of breaking things off with him, and I did. 2 days later I found out he was messing around with a mutual friend after we had JUST broke up. I got scared and crazy, and crawled back to him, and I believe now, that I only had sexual interactions, to keep him around. A few months later things went right back to the way they were.

Fast forward a year, when his ex girlfriend came into the picture, claiming that her daughter may or may not be his. My whole world came crashing down at that point. I was supportive, I helped pay for the paternity test, and never left his side. Keep in mind, I was 21 at the time, and willing and open to accept him and this child, if it was his. He started spending a lot of time with this ex.. failing to show up to pick me up from work, coming home late etc. I really don't think he was cheating, but that's beside the point. The kid wasn't his, thank goodness.

Again, I got crazy scared and again, and replay the "im going to have sexual interactions" to keep him around again.

I became pregnant when I was 21. Things were awesome during that time. I actually thought that we could actually be happy, and was starting to feel good about the relationship.

Fast forward to the present, where I am feeling these same gawd aweful feelings again.

He is a great person. Loving, caring, a WONDERFUL father, and he's been nothing but good to me. He's put up with the lack of intamacy for a REALLY long time, and most guys would have left/cheated by now. I have no ill feelings toward him, and have nothing bad to say about him, I just don't think I'm in love with him anymore.

I'm a very outgoing person. I love my friends, family, job etc. I like being social and going out with friends etc. He is the complete opposite. He has no friends, and no desire to go out and be social. He pretty much has a negative outlook on friendships, possibly because he got burned when he was younger.

I am home with my daughter all week, and sometimes on the weekends I like to go out and have fun. I am made to feel guilty for doing so. I believe because he has no one else but me, that he's too dependent on me. I've always been one to make time for my friends/hang out with them ever since we started dating, and he knows that. Friends are really important to me.

I still have no desire to touch him. Infact it makes me angry when he tries to initiate anything, even if it's a simple hug. Everyone around us knows about our situation, and everyone has told me it's just a matter of time.

I am so confused right now. In being with him for 8 years, I know nothing else. I'm scared to know what it feels like to be on my own, but also I kind of want to experience it. I am not happy, he's not happy.. so why bother?

The other night I sat down with him and mentioned to him that maybe it was time to break up. We CONSTANTLY fight about the lack of intamacy issue, and I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of not being happy, and he's not happy either. I told him I was holding him back from being happy, and that I'm not giving him what he wants. He then tried to say that we could be happy together if things change etc etc but in all reality, I don't think my heart is in this anymore. I love him, but not IN love with him.

I am not attracted to him anymore. I think the biggest problem is that I don't want him to touch me. He is all I've known in the sexual/long term relationship area. I have no feelings or want to be with someone else, I'm just tired of the never ending circle. I'm so afraid to hurt him, but I just can't take this anymore.

I'm sorry if this is jumbled, I just have so much to say/thoughts/feelings right now its pretty sad. I feel so sad, and I feel like that by staying with him, we're wasting both of our time. I feel like I'm being held back, and I do not want to stay here and look back when I'm 50 and think that we wasted all this time unhappy.

How does one build up enough courage to say enough is enough and that's it. I tried to, but he just keeps on saying it can work etc.

Any advice would be appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read my jumbled post.

Emerald

Hi - I am sorry you are so unhappy. People do fall out of love & you were very young when your relationship started. If you are not married & have a job to support yourself & your child, you can leave but it is scary! Have you considered counseling?

carrotsndip

I have considered it in the past, and I just don't want to try to fix it anymore. I feel like because I was so young going into this, I never really got to figure out myself, and of course when you're young, you have no idea what kind of person you'll be 10 years from then. I feel like I've wasted (for lack of better words) a lot of years unhappy, and we're both holding eachother back from someone else out there who can give us what we want and need. I think my biggest thing is that I'm afraid to hurt him. How do you muster up the courage to say to someone "I'm not attracted to you anymore". This is all I've ever known. I've got the support of my friends and family behind me, so I don't know what is holding me back. I want to do my own thing, and discover myself with my daughter. Ugh. So confusing. Thanks for your reply, Emerald. I appreciate it.
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ladybird1983

Carrotsndip, youve just described how I feel at this moment, although different circumstances leading up to this feeling, I feel you and me have been hurt in different way during the last 10 years and enough is enough now.

I was young when I met my husband, Id just turned 19 and he was 19, we were married at 20, first child at 21 and first home in the same year, it all moved very fast, in fact we have never lived together alone without the kids.

My husband doesnt really have any friends, and even wants me to quit my weekend job because he would rather pay my wage and have me at home, but I love this job and the socialising side of it (work in a video store).

Im sorry I cant give any real advice, but I just wanted to let you know your not alone, the words here need to come any day now but I just cant seem to do it either

Emerald

I guess one day you will find the "courage" to leave...or you won't & be miserable for the rest of your life. I did it & so can you.