LovadZil

I'm 30 years old and married J in April of this past year. We were engaged for 9 months. Dating for 1 year before that. He asked me to marry him 3 months after I moved in. I really wish we waited longer. I remember him saying "we can still get married in April" (I had wanted an April wedding) and I got scared at how quickly that would come. I never said anything.

I remember driving home from work on many occasions thinking "if we weren't engaged I would break up with him". The first time I realized this might not be the right guy for me we were driving home from his parents Christmas party and he was more drunk than I realized - he ended up rear ending another car on the highway and drove off. Never stopped. I was furious with him. He started swerving badly, and I demanded he pull over so I could drive home. He spent that entire night hysterically in tears because he felt like "such a looser". I felt like I couldn't be angry because he was so hard on himself.

Disclosure: Joe is a recovering heroin addict. He has been clean for 6 years. I knew this from the beginning of our relationship and I "accepted" it. I don't think I realized how his addiction would cross over to other parts of his life.

About 2 months before the wedding things just weren't going well. I felt disconnected from J. I didn't want to spend time with him. I wanted to go out with friends, I found myself complaining about my fiance often. I was crying in our bedroom one evening (just so stressed out about the idea of the wedding and marriage) and he asked me what was wrong. I said "Do you realize getting married isn't going to fix this?"..... he was hysterically upset with me and his response was "How is it supposed to make me feel that you don't want to marry me?". J convinced me I had cold feet and things would improve after the wedding ended.

We went on an Italian honeymoon for 10 days. I cried a lot. We had sex once. I found the vacation stressful. We couldn't communicate and we still can't now. I constantly live in fear of saying something to him because it will hurt his feelings.

After the wedding I found myself googling "regretting marriage immediately after wedding"......

I put myself in therapy. J and I have an appointment with a therapist together on Monday.

I don't know what I am looking for here.... But I just feel like I married the wrong person for me, as we cannot communicate.

Words of wisdom?

colotnk

I sympathize with what you are going through. I almost married the wrong person when I was younger. My ex-fiance was a very nice guy but we couldn't communicate and had completely opposite opinions on key issues. I broke off the engagement and my ex-fiance hated me for that. But it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Because you are already married, you should go on with individual and couples counseling and see if that helps. Give yourself a time frame, say 6 months or a year to work on improving your marriage. If your feelings are still the same after that, then you can divorce knowing that you have tried your best.

Please be really careful with birth control. Do not bring a child into this relationship which you have so much doubt about. It's not fair for him/her and it makes divorce so much more complicated.