is it worth it?

whoamI · 05-06-2009, 01:25 PM

I am new here, and would love some feedback. My husband and I have been married almost 10yrs. Dated 6mos before I got pregnant and we got married. We now have 2 beautiful children.

The problem is his anger, and total lack of interest in any of us. He does not drink or smoke, and dont think hes ever cheated on me, nor I on him. When he is around, I get tense, waiting for the next snide comment or the next round of yelling/throwing stuff. He isnt like this 24/7 but it follows a cycle. After being insulted and hurt emotionally for so long ( I used to brush it off and move on ) I have built a wall around my heart when it comes to him. I dont want to cuddle anymore, how can a person be called names and told they are useless want to kiss or have sex with the person doing that to them.
We have had the same discussion for years about this. He blames all his behaviors on me, or anything at all other than himself. I have lost myself, my confidence, self esteem. He is always negative and unhappy. I have tried to change the things he complains about, fought for our marraige, planned dates and alone time with him. But nothing ever really changes, and he simply says he doesnt know how to change. I am 100% financially dependant on him, and he reminds me of that daily. My children love their daddy, but I cant stand to watch them sob again next time he loses his temper. I dont know what to do. I am playing along right now, trying to keep the peace, We cannnot afford counseling, nor would he be inclined to stick with anything like that. He says he loves me, he is sexually attracted to me, and pressures me to have sex with him all the time. He says he doesnt want me to leave. As long as I take the verbal blows when they come, and get over it immediately, not try to talk things over, and stay happy and all, then things are okay. But I dont want to play this way anymore. I dont know how to make him understand that it is getting harder and harder to love him and want to work on our marriage. I just dont know what to do anymore.
Thanks for listening!!!!!

Amplexor · 05-06-2009, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whoamI

But nothing ever really changes, and he simply says he doesnt know how to change.

Has the anger always been a problem with him or did it develop sometime after you got married?

jaclynnbaker · 05-06-2009, 02:05 PM

Wow, we are in very similar situations. It is scary how much our stories sound the same and our lives and husbands and everything! My husband treats me the same way, says the same things, and insists on sex ALOT. I don't feel like that toward him. How can someone call you a worthless b*&%^ in one breath and then expect you to be intimate with them an hour later?? My mind and body just does NOT function that way at all.
I can't get him to take care of ANYTHING. Things that I can't take care of that need to be, he just won't. It is so frustrating! I am really considering divorce as I feel that our marriage is a joke and basically just hanging on for the sake of being lazy and not "taking that step"
Sad but very true. I wish I had some advice for you, but sadly all I have to offer is my sympathy and a listening ear.

whoamI · 05-06-2009, 08:01 PM

Thankyou for the sympathy, it helps to know that there are other people out there that feel like I do, going through the same things.
Anger has always been a problem of his, its not new. If it isnt anger its complete apathy. sigh...

Amplexor · 05-07-2009, 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whoamI

I am playing along right now, trying to keep the peace, We cannnot afford counseling, nor would he be inclined to stick with anything like that. He says he loves me, he is sexually attracted to me,

You are in a tough spot, I’m so sorry. Have you considered counseling through a place of worship? Many do offer some support for these kinds of problems. Also many company insurance plan will cover counseling. Check into both. As far as playing along to keep the peace, that won’t solve the core issue. His anger. Something needs to break the cycle or you will simply continue down the same path of unhappiness. And I assume both of you are unhappy in the marriage as it is. He needs to understand your pain so he can be motivated for change.

sisters359 · 05-07-2009, 09:47 AM

This is abuse. Remember abuse tends to escalate. Get safe and then get help. You need to figure out why you put up with this. Maybe, after getting yourself back on your feet, you can work on the marriage--but he needs to be in counseling separate from you until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself. If he won't go for counseling, divorce him without ever going back or trying to fix things. He won't change. Best of luck. Remember, if you leave or try to leave, he may get really ugly, so get safe as quickly and quietly as you can. There is no shame in using a women's shelter if you need to. HE has the problem, not you.