I want to thank many on this forum for finally explaining what is wrong with my husband - Borderline Personality Disorder!
After 14 years of marriage - every minute being a struggle - I finally have something to throw back at people who say, "It takes TWO to make a fight, dear". UG!!!
Over the years, we have seen two different marriage counselors (one of whom was convinced by my H's polished act that it was ME that was the problem). One was fantastic and read both of our "weaknesses" right off - my husband ran from that one and didn't look back! I went myself for 4 months and made some good progress. I also was successful in getting my husband to go to a clinical psychologist himself - purportedly for treatment for his ADHD. If he told my husband he had BPD - my husband never told me. The story I heard was that it was "anxiety". He never went for his 3rd appt. with that guy either.
Now that I've read up on this disorder, I've had a lot of lightbulb moments. I believe my mother was also BPD. Her fuse was microscopically short and she would blame my brother and I for millions of things that had nothing to do with us while she threw everything around the house. Afterward, we were expected to clean it up. I was always a modest child and on several occasions my mother, in a rage, threw both of us out of the house onto the street in pajamas or a swimsuit. I carry a lot of insecurity, anxiety, and depression from that upbringing and that's what I worked on with the counselor. Unfortunately - I ran out of money and also hit a cognitive snag so I stopped going.
But wow - talk about repeating a relationship! I always saw similarities between my husband and my mother, but never realized it could actually be a mental disorder.
I'll give some background: This is my second marriage. My first husband was a nice guy but loved the social circuit and 6 years in decided that he'd rather be single. We have a child together and were divorced when she was 2 1/2. When she was 5, I began to date again. I was very careful and she never met any of my dates as most were just not right for me. I met my husband, and typical of a BPD'r (now that I know) - he swept me off my feet and purportedly LOVED my daughter. I saw some anger events directed at his family members, but figured that was just how his family worked. Nothing was ever directed at me - until shortly after we married. I got pregnant unintentionally (I had been told I was in early menopause!) and that's when the nightmare began. Because I got pregnant, I lost my job (never mind the legality of that - I had a lot on my plate).
From that time on - my husband was severely verbally abusive to me and severely abusive to my daughter. My daughter had learning disabilities and managing her school life was a full time job. My son was a fussy baby and a hyper toddler. I lived on the brink of a nervous breakdown. With the 3 of them, I never felt I could go back to work - there was just too much juggling to do!
I NEVER wanted to be in a marriage where I fought with my spouse in front of the kids. I grew up in that environment and it was hell. But it is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid an argument with my H. He throws insults, name-calls, works OVERTIME to push that button that will set me off. He is SCREAMING the whole time! He WANTS the conflict. I cherished family dinners growing up - but almost every family dinner in 14 years has ended in the screaming of my H and someone in tears. I took a church class on being a supportive wife, so for 6 months I would just let him yell. I would not say a word, just stand there and listen. Did he stop? NO Did he yell for less time? NO Did he find it strange that I just stood there? NO. He was on a roll and the insults just continued to fly. So much for the "It takes two to make an argument, honey" claim.
As for my daughter - she's scarred for life. She grew up in a house where she was insulted, belittled, screamed at, pushed around, and called names like "stupid" "worthless" "*****" (started at age 12) continually. She is 19 and has never been interested in any boy. She says she's never getting married and never having kids.
Why didn't I leave? Why am I still here? I'll tell you why! I have met with a divorce lawyer twice and have faced issues from my previous divorce and here's what I know: NO ONE could have protected my son from his Dad when he was 5 if we were divorced and my son was on a visitation weekend while my husband flew into a rage over something. Also, my H is a heavy drinker and the rages always come then - so you have a DRUNK RAGER. Lovely and NOT a situation I was about to put my son into until he was old enough to protect himself. Unfortunately - this meant losing the wonderful relationship with my daughter that I could have had. I sacrificed one to save another. So sad!
I found this forum because I'm ready to leave. I feel my son can handle it and so can I. Unfortunately, this economy is keeping me stuck! I have been trying desperately for two years to get a job that will support me and I have not been able to find anything that I am qualified for. I have no family that can help. I feel that I really need a good job because I expect the fight over my son to be pretty intense, knowing my H, and to cost quite a bit of money. He is the vindictive sort, so he'll want to hurt me really good.
In conclusion, I plan on keeping an eye on things here but just wanted to thank you for posting valuable information that has helped me to know what my next step should be.
After 14 years of marriage - every minute being a struggle - I finally have something to throw back at people who say, "It takes TWO to make a fight, dear". UG!!!
Over the years, we have seen two different marriage counselors (one of whom was convinced by my H's polished act that it was ME that was the problem). One was fantastic and read both of our "weaknesses" right off - my husband ran from that one and didn't look back! I went myself for 4 months and made some good progress. I also was successful in getting my husband to go to a clinical psychologist himself - purportedly for treatment for his ADHD. If he told my husband he had BPD - my husband never told me. The story I heard was that it was "anxiety". He never went for his 3rd appt. with that guy either.
Now that I've read up on this disorder, I've had a lot of lightbulb moments. I believe my mother was also BPD. Her fuse was microscopically short and she would blame my brother and I for millions of things that had nothing to do with us while she threw everything around the house. Afterward, we were expected to clean it up. I was always a modest child and on several occasions my mother, in a rage, threw both of us out of the house onto the street in pajamas or a swimsuit. I carry a lot of insecurity, anxiety, and depression from that upbringing and that's what I worked on with the counselor. Unfortunately - I ran out of money and also hit a cognitive snag so I stopped going.
But wow - talk about repeating a relationship! I always saw similarities between my husband and my mother, but never realized it could actually be a mental disorder.
I'll give some background: This is my second marriage. My first husband was a nice guy but loved the social circuit and 6 years in decided that he'd rather be single. We have a child together and were divorced when she was 2 1/2. When she was 5, I began to date again. I was very careful and she never met any of my dates as most were just not right for me. I met my husband, and typical of a BPD'r (now that I know) - he swept me off my feet and purportedly LOVED my daughter. I saw some anger events directed at his family members, but figured that was just how his family worked. Nothing was ever directed at me - until shortly after we married. I got pregnant unintentionally (I had been told I was in early menopause!) and that's when the nightmare began. Because I got pregnant, I lost my job (never mind the legality of that - I had a lot on my plate).
From that time on - my husband was severely verbally abusive to me and severely abusive to my daughter. My daughter had learning disabilities and managing her school life was a full time job. My son was a fussy baby and a hyper toddler. I lived on the brink of a nervous breakdown. With the 3 of them, I never felt I could go back to work - there was just too much juggling to do!
I NEVER wanted to be in a marriage where I fought with my spouse in front of the kids. I grew up in that environment and it was hell. But it is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid an argument with my H. He throws insults, name-calls, works OVERTIME to push that button that will set me off. He is SCREAMING the whole time! He WANTS the conflict. I cherished family dinners growing up - but almost every family dinner in 14 years has ended in the screaming of my H and someone in tears. I took a church class on being a supportive wife, so for 6 months I would just let him yell. I would not say a word, just stand there and listen. Did he stop? NO Did he yell for less time? NO Did he find it strange that I just stood there? NO. He was on a roll and the insults just continued to fly. So much for the "It takes two to make an argument, honey" claim.
As for my daughter - she's scarred for life. She grew up in a house where she was insulted, belittled, screamed at, pushed around, and called names like "stupid" "worthless" "*****" (started at age 12) continually. She is 19 and has never been interested in any boy. She says she's never getting married and never having kids.
Why didn't I leave? Why am I still here? I'll tell you why! I have met with a divorce lawyer twice and have faced issues from my previous divorce and here's what I know: NO ONE could have protected my son from his Dad when he was 5 if we were divorced and my son was on a visitation weekend while my husband flew into a rage over something. Also, my H is a heavy drinker and the rages always come then - so you have a DRUNK RAGER. Lovely and NOT a situation I was about to put my son into until he was old enough to protect himself. Unfortunately - this meant losing the wonderful relationship with my daughter that I could have had. I sacrificed one to save another. So sad!
I found this forum because I'm ready to leave. I feel my son can handle it and so can I. Unfortunately, this economy is keeping me stuck! I have been trying desperately for two years to get a job that will support me and I have not been able to find anything that I am qualified for. I have no family that can help. I feel that I really need a good job because I expect the fight over my son to be pretty intense, knowing my H, and to cost quite a bit of money. He is the vindictive sort, so he'll want to hurt me really good.
In conclusion, I plan on keeping an eye on things here but just wanted to thank you for posting valuable information that has helped me to know what my next step should be.