Hi, I'm 23 going on 24 and have been married for almost 3 years. I got married a few weeks after I turned 21, we had been dating since I was 16, which included 2 cross country moves for me. Our relationship has been very long and complicated.
Initially he was with my best friend in high school who went to a different high school. That first time I saw him I was smitten, and from there, problems my friend had lead her to severe all ties with me and him. A few months later he contacted me and I was shocked to hear that she had stopped all contact with him the same time as with me. We started to talk a lot and 3 weeks later actually exchanged wedding vows unofficially in the mountains. My parents realized how quickly we were moving and tried to keep me from seeing him, as my grades suffered and all I wanted to do was be with him. I began sneaking out to see him. We were caught one night and it under threat of me being sent to an institution for "obsession" as they called it, we proceeded to see each other in secret for a few years.
My dad suffered and died from pancreatic cancer a month after I graduated high school. They had no idea I was still seeing him until a short while before I graduated. After my dad passed away, I clung to my bf like no other. I actually wasnt spending time with my grieving mother because I felt I had to be with him all the time. She let me see him because she knew it was pointless to try to stop me.
My mom found someone else and moved states, saying she would help me get an apartment where I lived, as I was still in college. It was this summer that my bf proposed to me and nothing had happened on my moms end with the apartment, and I actually ended up living with my bf and his parents for over a year and a half. His family always belived my family was wrong for not letting us see each other and I have always been very welcome over there and very accepted.
We got married and my mom didnt come to the wedding, in fact i had not a single person from my own life at the wedding, all the people there were friends of his family or acquaintances. I had a maid of honor but her abusive boyfriend made the situation unworkable and so now my bf's cousin was my maid of honor.
AFter wanting to be with someone so much and going thru so much to be with him and sharing so much of my childhood with him, especialy the death of my dad and the move of my mom, now i have no desire to be with him. He really still loves me and wants to be the best husband he can be, but all of his efforts and talk of the future and a house just makes me recoil. He wants to be held a lot and sometimes will even move my arm so that its holding him when I dont want to, and when I dont want to hold him, he gets hurt and dejected and clams up.
I havent really wanted to have sex with him since before we got married. I am not ready to have a child and birth control has been something im trying to work out, so the stress of knowing i cant get pregnant has made it such that i havent really wanted or even felt able to since before we got married. as teen agers we used to do it all the time, but now, I seriously have no desire for him.
Its so hard because he still wants to be that way with me and im constantly rejecting him, not wanting to hold him....he will call me when he is at work to tell me hi and we just end up saying the same things we have for the last 7 years and i am so sick of saying those same things. they dont mean what they used to. it seems like we're fighting to find things to talk about.
and on top of this, up until a few months ago i didnt have my own bank account. he wanted to take care of me and has handled all the bills and has a credit card in his name and out of trying to save me a trip to the bank has been taking my checks to the bank for me. i had to ask for money when i needed it and dont have any credit established in my name whatsoever. it never used to bother me until the past 6-8 months when i decided there were things i wanted to go and do and i needed to have that freedom. hes very much a homebody and its like puling teeth to get him to go out with me. he used to be a wild child and now its a chore to get him to party with me or to hang out with friends.
when his friends or cousins ask to hang out with him he constantly says no, for no good reason. he never wants to see anybody but me and its an awful lot of pressure. he has no friends and doenst want to make any.
i feel nothing for him other than a concern of a friend. I dont think about him at work anymore, i dont think of things to do together because hes so unwilling to go do anything with me, and i am not attracted to him at all. we havent french kissed in at least 3 1/2 years when it didnt feel stilted or forced, and all the time its me pushing him away.
i hav e a very successful career and he is going through trying to find his career and go to school. on top of this he is working 6:30 am-9:30pm working 2 jobs so I never see him. I go through the week without even really knowing he's there and then on the weekends we watch tv in seperate rooms. he listens to catholic radio stations in the car and hates when i turn the music up. he acts like hes 40 and hes only 23. i definitly feel like him feeling as tho he had to provide and the religious pressure of being a good husband has caused him to lose himse.f his family has been commenting on this for a long time so i know its not just me seeing this. he will sometimes leave my friends and i when were having a good time and go read a prayer book in the other room without teling us where hes going. i think he would be happer as a monk or priest.
all his talk of hopes and what he wants to do just makes me tune him out. it annoys me so much to hear it and i dont know why. maybe its because i know it wont really happen. sometimes he just sounds so childish and desperate i just really get turned off.
i dont know what to do, really. im not sure i even want to save this relationship. to be honest id like to just live with him in a house as friends and be free to see others. I lately have been going thru so many changes related to my career and how that impacts myself....up until january i had never cut my waist length hair and i cut it short....i acutally took a trip with friends to see a concert without him....i am getting out and doing things that i havent done for the last 5 years.
our apartment is a stagnant mess. i want to try to clean it and make it homey but at the same time i feel like al his clutter and his constant hanging onto paper receipts and going over the books cant be helped. we are living in a house that is truly stagnant, just like our relationship.
he is very catholic and i am not. this is also very hard. i want to leave but am scared of being on my own. he has been my cushion for so many years. i want him to be happy. i know he isnt happy. but how can i truly decide if i need to seperate?
how do i know if i will only love him as a friend from now on?
well, you know, my first impression is that you are terribly selfish. after all he did for you and now you cant even give the guy a hug? he was there for you in your time of need and now in his you abandon him. but you know what they say, alls fair in love and war.
of course reading a little further, he sounds exceptionally clingy, not to mention a bit of a recluse. that can be a big turn off. if he's really religious and you arent, that would be hard to live with. if you feel obligated to show love, that can lead to resentment. My H does that whole moving your hand to make you give him a hug thing. it is really annoying and makes me angry too. he doesnt do it as much anymore since i told him to knock it off.
IMO he's going through some life changes and so are you. you can see it as threatening and confining, or you can take the responsibility you assumed when you married him, and grow through it together. you took a huge responsibility at a young age, but that doesnt absolve you of it just because you're starting to realize what it really means. im still kind of sticking with my first impression that you are very selfish and you need to grow up and learn to be married.
You can go to counseling, learn to compromise, get books, learn to communicate, and learn to be married. Or you can do the childish thing and run off to have fun.
agreed as above. you married him for better or for worse. Have you really talked to him? my ex said she always told me what was wrong, but i never really got the message. I never knew anything was really that bad. Let him read what you wrote. Let him know how serious it is. He needs to know how serious this is. Tell him something has to change. Get thru to him, thats my main point. IMO MAKE HIM READ THIS.
ps.... AFter wanting to be with someone so much and going thru so much to be with him and sharing so much of my childhood with him, especialy the death of my dad and the move of my mom, now i have no desire to be with him.
This makes me sick. He does all that for you? so what if hes boring, or lazy, or whatever. He did this for you and you say you have no desire for him? You need help lady.
It amazes me how cruel people can be on this forum.
How long have you been feeling this way and what have you done to try to fix the problem? Have you spoken with him yet about it?
I do not think you are selfish. I do not place a heavy emphasis on wedding vows (seriously people? Wedding vows are practically the same thing as end user license agreements -- you know, the stuff that you blindly click through when installing programs on your computer).
I believe people make mistakes. I believe people grow and change. To cling to vow that you made years ago *for the sake of the vow* is stupid.
However, I do believe, especially considering your history, that you owe it to both of you to see if you can work things out. So, please share what you have done thus far. I'm sure there are people here that will have many things for you to try that you might not have thought of. You may surprise yourself. Or you might not. But if it ends bad there's at least one person here that won't judge you.