I've been with my wife 5.5 years now, and we have been married for 3. We have an exceptionally great friendship, but our "relationship" has been lacking since before we married.
A little over a month ago she told me she wasn't attracted to me anymore. She is a very positive person, and often brushes issues under the rug to stay positive. She told me she doesn't remember the last time she was attracted to me.
Our sex life was good when we were first dating. We got engaged two months after knowing each other. About a year in the sex dwindled drastically, and there was a point where we stopped having it but maybe once every 1-3 months. In the last two years, I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex.
At first I thought it was because we lived with her mom and brother. We don't have the best of finances, and we were working on debt. However, last year we moved into our own place. We both love it. But the sex didn't start again.
She's had a couple brief emotional affairs over the years. I always thought it was because of our financial and living situation. That I wasn't satisfying her. Last year she got a great new job, but immediately fell into another quick emotional affair with a coworker. She cut it off quickly, but they are still friends, as they work closely together every day.
She works closely with about eight people at her work. They take work retreats together. They hang out together. She has her own little fun life. Since they work at a college, its basically college life all over again for her.
She has an eight year old son. I've basically become the dad ever since he was three, and he and I are extremely closely bonded. He is ADHD/slightly autistic, and this is another challenge that we've focused on in the last two years.
Back to a month ago - she was crying when she told me she didnt feel attracted to me. She said she wants me to be more outgoing, more assertive. She wants me to make decisions.
While she was away for work for a week, I read the Married Man Sex Life Primer. It opened my eyes to my beta traits. How I should be improving myself in alpha ways.
I'm only about 10-15 pounds heavier than I was when we met, and shes maybe 5 pounds heavier. We're both in our late 20s. I figured if I got my confidence up, looked good, and started being more alpha that I could win her affection back.
Two weeks ago before we left for a mini-vacation, she once again said shes very sad about our situation. I told her I'm not expecting sex or anything on vacation. That we're working on us.
A couple nights ago she was at the other guy's house until 2am. They had all worked until 10pm, and went to his place to hang out and relax. I called her around 1am, and didn't get a call back until 2. She said she hadn't fallen asleep, and I shouldn't be mad that she was there. (this is something she did in the past often with guy friends, and it upsets me)
Now she is saying she doesn't know if she wants to work on things anymore. That she doesn't think things can change between us. I don't think shes having a physical affair. I think she may emotionally still be attached to him, but I think more-so she enjoys the life she has at her new college/work. She's able to have fun every night with very few responsibilities.
I don't know what to do. I thought for sure I could run the MAP, gain my self confidence, and attract her. But I've only had a month to start. It took her 5 years to tell me she's is not attracted. I can't fix that in a month.
I provide 70% of our income, I do much of the doctor appointments, therapy and sport with out son... All of the good beta traits. I know I'm not the most alpha person in the world... and I know i've needed to work on that for years. I just didn't know how until I started reading.
I'm reading No More Mr. Nice Guy now. Just started. But her quick-changing attitude is scaring me.
How can I get her to slow down. To see what she is giving up? To think about it? I need to stall until I can be more attractive. Both for her and myself. I don't want to look back in five years and have us both regret how things changed.
She doesn't want you anymore? She told you she fell asleep at another man's house and she has done this before? You don't really believe that she was only sleeping, do you? I'd give her her wish after she slept with another man. I'd pack her stuff and bring it over to the OM's house and tell him since he's ****ing her, he can have her and support her.
I know you trying to win her heart, but your just someone she's using along her way. Stand up for yourself and don't tolerate this behavior from her or anyone else. She's not marriage material. Your young, plenty of time to find someone with boundaries. Make sure you set boundaries with consequences for the next time.
You're basically cuckholded at this point. She's obviously been with other men but you won't admit it. She's got a great sitter, paycheck mule and housekeeper. Why on earth would she risk losing all that by telling you the truth about her relationships? She's basically begging you to man up, but your response is try to get her to appreciate your beta traits? Not a good strategy and really shows the extent of your denial.
Your only choice is to man up and demand that she stop staying out late with other men. That would only happen once in my world and it would probably end my marriage. It's 100% unacceptable if you were wondering. I think you have lost perspective on what's happening. Its time to wake up and start protecting yourself.
8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better)
9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken
10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.
She's doing the other guy. There aren't any indicators to suggest otherwise.
Read and do what you can in synthetics post. You will yield many positive changes.
And don't forget about your own position of power;
You earn most of the money in the relationship.
She uses you to take care of her son so she can stay out till 2am.
Shift your position, remove your money, remove your nanny services. But don't do those things to win her back, because if she comes running, it will be for selfish reasons. Do all these things to help you get on with your life, take back control and begin respecting yourself again.
Your wife is not attracted to you because you are a doormat.
She treats you badly because there are no clear boundaries and she continues to treat you badly because you continue to let her.
Women do not stay with a holes, they usually end up leaving but they also will not stay with not be attracted long term to a doormat.
She may not even realise the reason herself, but I can promise you if you change, put firm boundaries in place and follow through she will respect you and very likely be attracted to you.
No more close friendships with the opposite sex. And there need to absolute consequences.
She probably enjoys getting her own way and doesn't realise how it's killing your relationship.
Step up, take control but again, do not be an a hole. Get some self respect and some balance in your life. Posted via Mobile Device
I agree, your wife is definitely sleeping around man. Even if she's not, she doesn't want to sleep with you. Granted sex isn't everything but I'd be out of that situation faster than she could blink. Best way to do it would be wait for another 2am "hang out" and just pack your stuff/valuable/personal property and head to a friends or family members.
This is what I did and it opened up the eyes of my wife to the extent of damage that was in our relationship.