Joyless33

Good Afternoon,

I'm new to this forum, but I decided to register because I don't really have anyone that I can talk to about my feelings. I have been married now for 9 years. We have one child together and I have a son from my younger years. Since we have been married our life has been a roller-coaster. The first year of marriage was the only one that I can ever remember being actually happy with my husband.

Just a little background the first year was pretty good although I learned something’s about him that if I knew going in I may not have made it to the isle. He can be lazy, has no passion to speak of. Ambition is not in his vocabulary and he has no goals or dreams. I believe at one point he did have these attributes but they have long left his heart and mind. As a young married couple we were pregnant within the first year of marriage and he was hardly there. We both work fulltime jobs but I was still expected to do everything. When he had time off he would spend it in front of the TV and not with us, his family. There were just a lot of little things that started to snowball into bigger things.

I have tried to leave a few times but I always feel guilty for hurting him by wanting to leave or I get scared that leaving would hurt my children. I have always been the one to sacrifice everything, my time, goals, and happiness for others (not to include my kids I’d gladly sacrifice for them). I am just confused because although we have been through ALOT together, and I love him dearly there is no connection for me. I can pretend and put on a happy face because I don't want to hurt anyone. I fell out of love with my husband years ago as I have heard other women say on this forum.

I'm just wondering where do I go from here?? During our last round of separation I really thought that I was done and I just knew I wasn't going to travel back down that road again but here I am, back in the same cycle! At first I thought my husband was making me miserable with his lack of help and his being more of a taker than a giver, which was making me unhappy. When I found out that I have been clinically depressed for years I figured that, that's what was making me unhappy and not my husband. This made me want to go to counseling and see if we could be saved, and I thought we were okay, but those old feelings of not wanting to be around him, not wanting him to touch me are starting to rear their ugly heads!!

I don't know what to do, I'm lonely and sad. I no longer remember what love actually feels like because I can honestly say it's been years. I'm 33 still young, but I just don't know if I should stay in a lifeless, un-passionate and unfulfilling marriage because it's best for everyone but me or should I call it quits!! He is completely happy to stay together no matter what!! I have actually thought about giving him a reason to leave me, because he won’t on his own. I just want to be happy that’s all. What's a woman to do!!

SlowlyGettingWiser

Your first step is to be on medication (if you're not already.)
Second step is individual counseling for YOU with a focus on what you want out of YOUR life. Just for you. Not as someone's mother, not as someone's wife, not as someone's employee/boss. Just because Joyless DESERVES A LIFE! A life as SHE defines it.

A happy WOMAN makes a happy mother.
A happy WOMAN makes a happy wife/girlfriend/significant other.
You cannot be your best YOU (mother/wife/employee/daughter, etc) for OTHERS until you are your best YOU for YOU.

Your counseling should help you overcome your belief that EVERYONE else matters MORE THAN YOU. If you don't start becoming a little more selfish (in your own best interest), then you're going to disappear....

Get into IC NOW...even if it means your budget needs to be overhauled slightly. You need some focus and some relief.

Good luck, and hang in here.

Notyomama

Joyless I am 33 as well going through the same thing. We have been together for 11 yrs total and married for 2 yrs. My husband is a loving father to our 2 boys and loves me dearly, but like your husband he has no goals,passion or ambition he looks to me for everything and I need more. In his eyes everything is fine but I am ready for a change. Unlike you, we have never separated but I think it is time. Like you I am scared of all the what ifs but I think happiness is key. Slowlygettingwiser is right and I will take that advice too.

Joyless33

Thank you both for your insite. SlowlyGettingWiser. I do agree I need to take my meds which I'm doing. I will try to do more for myslef and I have attended IC before I guess I should think about starting back up again. Thanks again guys!!