Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Central Virginia
Re: Husband is in denial and I want out...
Mem, good call. I had the thought that the dude might be attracted to children (and the OP seems to be long gone, so I guess I can say that). Or maybe he just really wanted to be a dad and knew how difficult it would be as a single man to adopt. But yeah, I figured he had to be gay or something; just not normal for a guy not to want to have sex with his wife.
SFG, there are times when one person has been willfully deceptive and the other has either been ignorant or unwilling to see the signs--in that case, the marriage was the fault of both, but the deceiver was responsible for the break up, b/c once the 2nd party was able to read the signs, s/he left. The marriage was based on a lie--and falling for it is a mistake; rectifying that mistake by leaving is NOT wrong and there is, IMO, no "blame" to attach to that action. It's pretty much a standard of English and American law that a person cannot be allowed to profit from deception, and if you've gotten someone to marry you under false pretenses, then you deserve what you get when your lies are uncovered. It's common grounds for annulment, in fact.
Should a woman stay married to a gay man, for example, once he admits it, when her sexual needs have been and will be continuously denied and she knows he will be lusting after other partners? Heck, if he's just come to terms with his sexual orientation (and the ability of people to hide from their own truth is pretty astonishing), does he deserve to be condemned to a lifetime of misery? The goals of marriage are pretty clear (from a Christian perspective): to prevent sin (sex outside of marriage), to allow for procreation, and to provide companionship. If any one of those 3 things is missing, is it really a marriage? (note it is to "allow" for procreation, so if both parties agree not to have kids or can't, that is still a marriage, but if one party won't allow the other to become a parent, most people would say the person who wants children has a legitimate reason to leave the marriage). Much older marriage services (like 19th century Anglican) used to explain this, and I think the service was based on the letters of Paul to the Corinthians. In Protestant churches, marriage became interpreted as a civil contract so that divorce with the right of remarriage became possible. Nonetheless, many people today view marriage as an unbreakable vow--without realizing that ANY contract can be dissolved and, even according to older Christian traditions, there are several legitimate reasons to break up a marriage--and the person leaving may be able to point to actions of the other party as breaking the terms of the contract, thus allowing that person to dissolve the union. Yes, I agree that 99% of the time, BOTH parties have done things that "violate the terms of the agreement." But it only takes ONE person to act on that--and then the other person starts claiming "you were at fault too." That's actually not relevant to the right of the person to leave. Two wrongs don't make a right--only a willingness to forgive those wrongs on the part of both people can make things right. And if you've broken faith with your partner (in one big way or maybe a lot of small ways, as is usually the case if cheating isn't involved), you really don't have a leg to stand on when you try to claim that the person leaving "owes" you another chance b/c they were guilty, too. No, they don't. If you are lucky, you might get another chance. But no one should count on it, and no one should fall apart b/c they weren't perfect and they did somethings the other person just couldn't live with any more. Accept responsibility, forgive yourself, forgive the other person if you can (b/c you'll be a lot happier if you do), and move on. I just do not see why this is so difficult for so many people.