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Old 09-21-2012, 10:59 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband keeps telling me to get out

No talk. Just go.
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:06 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband keeps telling me to get out

Miss: Ian Fleming wrote a short story about a failing marriage with the theory that a person will stay where they are until it hurts more to stay than to go, and that is what it sounds like. I would go further to say that you have very little to feel guilty about. Why would you feel guilty about protecting yourself and your daughter. How could your leaving hurt him any more than you hurt and your daughter, who likely knows more than you think. I had to do the same thing once, and it is like pulling a thorn from soft flesh, it hurts, but once its gone it gets better.
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Old 09-22-2012, 10:22 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband keeps telling me to get out

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I agree, but why do I feel so guilty?!?! I FEEL like I should tell him. My brain says dont, because I think it will create a lot of drama... he'll try to get me to stay and that is just un-needed drama because I'm not staying no matter what.

My stomache is tied in knots and I feel guilty about sneaking away. HE has been mean to me and treated me like crap, he has told me to get the F out countless times, HE is the one that gave up on this relationship, but I feel guilty? What the heck!
I feel this way too. My situation is a bit different from yours. but the verbal abuse situation I can relate to.

I admire you for getting out. I grew up watching my mother be verbally, and physically abused by my step father.
I can tell you that I currently resent my mother for not protecting me from this abuse. She allowed my step father to mistreat me regularly. She could not protect me because of her own fear. She is still there.

I believe that watching my mother take that abuse for years is what has caused me to accept it in my own marriage.
I hope that you can break the cycle for your daughter. It's too late for me. I do not have children. I know if I did i would leave for their sake.
(I don't know why I have a hard time protecting myself, I'm starting to make a little emergency plan. I guess it's a step in the right direction....baby steps for me. I'm very scared)

thank you for sharing your story. It helps me realize that I CAN do this, maybe...
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Old 09-23-2012, 06:24 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband keeps telling me to get out

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Originally Posted by miss812 View Post
I agree, but why do I feel so guilty?!?! I FEEL like I should tell him. My brain says dont, because I think it will create a lot of drama... he'll try to get me to stay and that is just un-needed drama because I'm not staying no matter what.

My stomache is tied in knots and I feel guilty about sneaking away. HE has been mean to me and treated me like crap, he has told me to get the F out countless times, HE is the one that gave up on this relationship, but I feel guilty? What the heck!

you probably feel guilty because you are a good honest person. I think this situation though puts you in a situation where you have to do it that way, and in the end you will feel better.
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Old 09-23-2012, 06:37 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Sorry, accidental post.
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Old 09-26-2012, 01:15 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband keeps telling me to get out

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Thank you. I know I am doing the right thing.
Hi,
Yes you are definitely doing the right thing. Im proud of you taking the bold step forward. My husband keeps saying me to get out too, every day atleast three times, I still cannot because I don't even have a proper job as he married me from East India and Came here in North america and Im yet to find a proper job, its hard. But I keep dreaming of the day when I will be able to actually move out.

Kudos to you hope you all the success. Let us know how everything went by regarding the moving out.
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Old 09-26-2012, 11:28 PM   #22 (permalink)
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My husband and I have been having problems in our marriage that have gotten progressively worse over the last 4 years or so.. and we’ve been married for 6. We fight over many things, but the main thing is he constantly criticizes me. I can’t do anything right. If he asks me to call him more, I will then he will say I’m not doing it enough or I call at the wrong time. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I work 10-12 hours per day and he complains that my side of the room is a little messy. He says I don’t raise my daughter right (his step daughter) and the decisions I make with her are all wrong. I could go on and on… the bottom line is nothing I do is right and he always concentrates on the negative.

Another HUGE issue is we have completely opposite work schedules. He works nights and I work days, so we only get weekends together. I think this is a HUGE problem in our relationship. He blames me though and says I don’t give him enough attention, when the reality is I’m not getting enough attention either but there’s nothing we can do about it becuase we never see each other!

Well, over the past year he has told me he wants a divorce, or has told me to get the F out, at least 15 different times. It’s always during an argument. I get really upset and cry for days and then he ends up wanting to make things work. It’s a cycle that keeps happening over and over. Last night we got in a small argument. He told me he can’t do this anymore and wants me out. I told him I WANT to make this work and he can’t just tell me to leave every time we argue. After a good talk, he agreed to give us another shot, and to try marriage counseling. But when we argued today, he told me that he wants a divorce and I need to hurry and get out. He even said “both of you” pertaining to me and my daughter, as if I wouldn’t take her with me… the way he said it, was as if we make his life horrible.

I am so tired of being treated like this. Every time we fight he tells me to leave, and I feel it’s because he likes the reaction he gets. it almost seems like he LIKES to hurt me. on top of it, he is MEAN. He says mean things to hurt me on purpose, like how I can’t get a dime out of him when I don’t even intend to! I make more than him anyway.
I plan on leaving this time. Even if he ends up wanting me to stay, I have to get out. I guess my only question is, am I doing the right thing by leaving?

A little background, my daughter is 15 and he has been her father figure since she was 5. She says she doesn’t like him. I think it may be because he is pretty strict so I always take her opinion of him with a grain of salt. My dad was strict and I hated him when I was 15 too.

I moved to my husband’s state about 8 years ago (for him.. we were in a 2 year long distance relationship.) We’ve been through a lot together. He used to say I saved his life because when we met he had cancer and I gave him the will to live. I literally have no friends or family here, but I have a great job and my daughter loves it here so we plan on staying in this area. It is tough having no friends or family around in times like this...
We rent from his mother so I have to be the one to get out of the house.
Thank you for your thoughts.
You situation sounds a lot like mine. While I was engaged to my husband he had a few angry outbursts (typical) small arguments we had. But 3 months after the wedding my husband starting emotionally abusing me and telling me to get out at least once a week. It kept going for the next 9 months. He kept telling me to get the H*** out of his house or he will make me. He couldn't make me get out because my name was on our apartment lease, but he was serious. He would stand right in my face nose to nose and yell "get out"! One day we were driving somewhere together and he said he would put me out on the freeway. He didn't do it, but when we got home, he said it again, and I left. I didn't move out, but I left at 3am and didn't come home until 9am. He was even more furious when I did that. I asked him for a divorce because it should never come down to being mean/controlling/verbally abusive and making your spouse(the person you stood at the alter) with to get out of the house over your own anger issues. He would not give me the divorce. We went to marriage counseling and we just end up arguing in the counselors office every session. It's a waste of our time but I have been trying to find ways to get out.
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Old 09-27-2012, 06:57 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I have not been on in a while and am just now seeing some of your posts.
Thinkitthrough – I love what you said because I have been thinking the EXACT same thing. For the past 6 months, I feel like I’ve gone through a bunch of breakups over and over. And I realized that even though leaving will TEAR ME UP, staying is hurting worse.

Muchoconfuso – You made me feel even better about my decision! Not just for me, but my daughter too. I am trying so hard to be strong for her! Thank you for sharing your childhood story with me. I also think that you can leave – I know you can. If I can do it, ANYONE can. You lived without him before, you can do it again!

MSC71 - Thank you!

Titli – You can get a job here… have you looked? Any family here? And thank you for your kind words.

Ayce – Has the marriage counseling helped at all? Maybe it would take a drastic move, like you getting out – in order for him to change.

Just an update – I MOVE IN TWO DAYS!!!!!! I cannot believe it. I have a feeling I will feel sooooooo much better once I get there. Thank you all for your support, it seriously helped. I can’t wait for my daughter and I to be on our own. I’m scared out of my mind, but excited and happy for myself. I feel this will make me a stronger person.
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Old 09-27-2012, 07:41 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband keeps telling me to get out

Oh my gosh, miss812, SO EXCITED for you and your daughter. YOU two CAN DO THIS.

Once you're out, you'll start to feel strong again. And you'll remember just HOW STRONG, RESOURCEFUL, ADULT, COMPETENT you USED to feel back when you were a young adult on your own.

Show your daughter the way, Mama!!!!
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Old 09-27-2012, 07:44 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband keeps telling me to get out

You DO REALIZE that from the time you FIRST posted this thread until the day you GET OUT will be just TWO WEEKS! Two short weeks and you've wrested control of your life from a TYRANT.

SO VERY VERY PROUD of you. Hope your daughter APPRECIATES what an awesome, kick-azz Mom she has!!!
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Old 09-27-2012, 07:47 PM   #26 (permalink)
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I'll join this conversation as a husband who just told wife to get out. You can see the whole story in the post of mine. This is the second time I said "get out" to her in about 1.5 years.. the first time it happened it was due to an affair she had while we were in a distant relationship.

The first time, I told her that she violated the sanctity of our marriage and had no right to stay. I told her to pack up and leave. Weeks later, we reconciled.

The second time, it was during the heat of an argument. She was becoming extremely physically violent and it went down hill from there. Again, with tear in my eyes, I told her that she over-stayed her welcome and should get out. We have not spoken since - half week ago.

Am I remorseful for saying that? I am. She also moved to this state because of me, and doesn't have any friends / family. Same here. We depend on each other. She is still in the house and we are sleeping separately. She may or may not leave - I don't know.

I am remorseful because I lost temper on her when I should've walked away from a situation that I couldn't control. However, by that time, she had already bursted my eardrum while punching me and was slashing kitchen knives. We both have martial arts background, and she was attacking all my vital points (my neck, eyes, ears, temple, chest, etc). I did pin her down to remove the knives, and she did end up lightly puncture my back with the knife.

I don't know if I should apologize for anything, however. Was walking away the right answer for everything? What do you think of the situation?
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Old 09-27-2012, 08:22 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband keeps telling me to get out

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What do you think of the situation?
Wow! I think you had EVERY RIGHT to tell your wife to GET OUT.

And I would also recommend that you NOT RECONCILE with this woman again. Enough is enough.

1. She cheated on you. Don't make excuses for her...it was a long-distance relationship, blah, blah, blah. SHE CHEATED ON YOU. SHE was MARRIED to you and CHOSE to have SEX with SOMEONE ELSE because....whatever reason it WAS, it wasn't GOOD ENOUGH!

2. You gave her a second chance after she betrayed you and your marriage.

3. You two got in a very heated argument and she PHYSICALLY ATTACKED YOU WITH KNIVES and BURST YOUR EARDRUM! It does NOT matter that YOU are both versed in martial arts; she should know that YOU would never use your superior size, special skills and knowledge to take advantage of the situation and attack her in a deadly manner. Apparently, she has no such compunction when she loses her temper. What the h*ll kind of loose cannon is she?!?

The fact that NEITHER of you has friends/family in the state means that your lives will be more stressful, but that IN NO WAY excuses her violent, cheating ways. Get the h*ll out while you still can. If you were a WOMAN and your husband did this to you, we would ALL BE SCREAMING AT YOU to call the police and press charges. I know it will probably be futile to suggest that to you; you care about her and don't want her arrested, and you don't want to be embarrased to be THAT guy whose wife hauled off on him and attacked him physically.

Well, I won't waste my breath on trying to convince you otherwise. I WILL SAY, however, that God help the NEXT PERSON she attacks physically (AND SHE WILL, don't you DARE kid yourself that she won't); maybe THAT person won't get off as lucky (right, a busted eardrum and a stab wound). How sh*tty will you feel THEN when you KNEW in advance what a violent, unstable person your wife is.

NOPE, do NOT go there. Do not start justifying her behavior HERE or TO YOURSELF. Just DON'T. Don't wanna hear it!

I would strongly suggest that you please BUY and READ "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I think it would benefit you TREMENDOUSLY.

I would also suggest YOU GET INTO IC IMMEDIATELY to find out WHY you would accept such shabby treatment from someone who is supposed to LOVE you. Adultery? Physical attacks? Do you think you don't DESERVE any better? Do you think you'll never find anyone else to love you? Do you think you'll be alone the rest of your life (it's her or NOTHING)? Do you think this is LOVE? For the answers to these and other IMPORTANT questions, go to a counselor ALONE and sort out all the things you want and fear and need and desire. Go find out HOW to build a life YOU can be excited about and strive for because THIS LIFE....ain't it!
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Old 09-27-2012, 10:14 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband keeps telling me to get out

Miss:There comes a moment when the the option is to leave and save what is precious and important or dig in, fight, and lose it all.Gather up your daughter, hold her close and go.It might be tough at first, it will get better. At least he might hold the door as you go.
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Old 09-27-2012, 11:46 PM   #29 (permalink)
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GettingWiser:

Great recommendation on the book. I read some of the forum's references to the book and bought the eversion immediately. I am enjoying what I am reading and I'm going through the book at a feverish rate.

Her physical violence is absolutely unacceptable and intolerable. However, some of the nice-guy syndromes echos strongly with me, down to the words the women in the book uses.

Am I going back with her? I don't think so; at least not immediately. I think a long-term separation would be at least required for her to be more mature and for me to master the skills to "tame the shrew".

It's getting late at night and I wish to finish the book. I'll post more tomorrow AM.
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:46 PM   #30 (permalink)
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I read the book and enjoyed it. I thought about what was said and applied what is appropriate to my situation. I vented significantly in my post (“Is this relationship worth saving?”). If I summarize what I type in a moment of distress, I found that almost every single sentence I typed fell under one of the characteristics of “nice guys”.

- I am a fixer / caretaker. I mentioned in my post “If you don't want me to do anything why do you want to talk about it?”.
- I avoid conflict. Most of the time I just let her get away making scene outside and avoid talking about it afterwards. This is why wife gets away with picking fights outside again and again.
- I repress my feelings and over analyze. Wife’s constant complaint is “tell me what you think, don’t tell me according to some research paper how you should feel!”.
- I do not place my needs as priority. Hence as a single man I can achieve 5% body fat, but after marriage I stopped going to gym completely focusing on work and taking care of family and 20% overweight. I do not take the time off needed for myself.
- I make her my emotional center. I don’t hang out with anyone else except for her, and may have unconsciously become needy. Especially recently my best buddy at work quit several months ago, I do not talk anything non-technical at work with anyone.


Above faults may cause some of the non-nice symptoms that Glover brings up:
- I give to get – that is, I give expecting the same in return. I grow annoyed when my output far exceeds my input.
- I can be dishonest or secretive – more out of fear than malice. If something bad happens, I try to fix it so no one notices. When I do something bad, I am too scared to bring it up. Day in and day out, it’s becomes hard to see what is true about me. Perhaps this is why she constantly accuses me of being a liar.
- I am full of rage – however I don’t let it out. Only time I let myself get truly angry is while driving home when I know that after a hard day’s work, I’m only driving back to another life of total powerlessness. But I will hide this feeling as I walk in through the door.
- I am passive aggressive. During my off days, I do not want to join her for activities, but still tags along – and sulks the whole time. She gets miserable and we fight.

==========================

This book is wonderful. Wife had pointed out many of these things before but I didn’t put them together in a whole picture.
Granted, the way she behaved was unacceptable. However, I can definitely see why she would feel that way, and I might begin to have an understanding of the frustration she must have felt the whole time. I’m not excusing her behavior: she was total loose cannon. But I do have my faults in driving her there. Above lists form the agenda of what I want to talk to her about. We’ll see where that leads us.

Any comments?
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