should I let her go

imnapp · 01-01-2008, 03:37 AM

Hi,

I have been married for a few years. I married her because she really loves me, but not the other way round.Since the 2nd year, she has been complaining of me not being as loving. There were twice she wanted to walk out but I stopped her and told her I will change. But I didn't.

There are a few reasons I still couldn't be as loving ...The main reason being I do not love her, and I thought that I can live with someone who is in love with me for the rest of my life.. but I was wrong.

She has broken ties with her parents and that is one of the reason I married her and stopped her from leave as she has no one to turn to, no place to go.

Responsibility is another reason and it sure make me a very very unhappy man.

Recently she has been asking me why I don't like to hold her hands or kiss her etc... I really cannot bear to tell her that the reason is that I do not love her. It will surely hurt her very much. She brought up the subject of divorce (with tears) as she is really not happy at all. As she want a husband that will showered her with love. Sometimes I really want to try to hold her hands or kiss her, but I always could not do it....

So it seems that the logic thing to do is to divorce, but I will not be able to get over my conscious as its my fault that lead to a divorce. That I have failed her as a husband. That I did not bring joy and happiness to her after she said 'I do'
The worst is who she is going to turn to if we divorce, she will be at her lowest, her lowest point in life....really afraid she cannot take care of herself....

Ultimately I the decision still lies on me..... sometimes I really hope she has found someone really love her and she leave me for some one better... I wish she who love me and did not get in return may she found someone she love who also really love her...My New Year wish... may it come true.

draconis · 01-01-2008, 09:52 AM

I am sure that it will e hard on her at first as she loves you. But she deserves to be happy. Get the divorce, help her out and get her on her feet anyway you can, she deserves that. Bring her out a few places so she will be back into the swing of dating.

You don't have have to be brutally honest with her, about the "you don't love her."

draconis

Liza · 01-06-2008, 07:43 AM

I think you should let her go, give her your support as much as possible. It is obvious that you will never love her or it would have already happen. Give her wings to find happiness.

greenbaglady · 01-06-2008, 08:23 AM

You married her because you made her stop talking to her parents

She's probably held on to that thru your whole marriage--shes probably thought how could you control her this way. Maybe she's really wanted to be with her parents or talk to them and you wouldn't let her

You should be the one to feel bad.
She shouldn't have to ask for the divorce she shouldn't have married you in the first place...marriage isnt about controlling someone and making them not talk to their parents.
Maybe this would be a good time to make things right and tell her you want to change you encourage her to get in contact with her parents--regardless of whatever happened between you and the parents or her and the parents to block this communication...you need to fix that! YOU.
She's been going around under your control no wonder she feels like shes TRAPPED and unhappy

I hope you get some professional help....or spiritual help.

whattodo0 · 01-17-2008, 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greenbaglady

You married her because you made her stop talking to her parents

She's probably held on to that thru your whole marriage--shes probably thought how could you control her this way. Maybe she's really wanted to be with her parents or talk to them and you wouldn't let her

You should be the one to feel bad.
She shouldn't have to ask for the divorce she shouldn't have married you in the first place...marriage isnt about controlling someone and making them not talk to their parents.
Maybe this would be a good time to make things right and tell her you want to change you encourage her to get in contact with her parents--regardless of whatever happened between you and the parents or her and the parents to block this communication...you need to fix that! YOU.
She's been going around under your control no wonder she feels like shes TRAPPED and unhappy

I hope you get some professional help....or spiritual help.

Now, this is just my opinion, but I dont think its fair to lay the blame entirely on him. She is an adult, and while she may be vulnerable and not as independant, she makes her own choices. He may not have forced her to not speak to her parents, and he may not be consciencly controlling her. It might be her choice to let that happen.

I dont know how old you two are, but I feel for you. There are a few similarities in my marriage and yours. I know what you mean about feeling obligated and worrying about their well being, I feel the same, on top of worrying about my own well being as Im not 100% sure I'll be ok.

I would say, at the very least, try, try to love her, or at least be loving towards her. Give yourself a deadline, saying "if you dont feel a certain way about everything, about her, by whatever date, then its time to end it. But you might live with regret knowing that you didnt give it the effort it deserved. Im not saying that you will miraculously fall in love, you cant force it, but it at least deserves a good effort.

But you both deserve to be happy, so if its not with each other, its time to move on....Easier said than done, I know.

imnapp · 01-29-2008, 02:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greenbaglady

You married her because you made her stop talking to her parents

She's probably held on to that thru your whole marriage--shes probably thought how could you control her this way. Maybe she's really wanted to be with her parents or talk to them and you wouldn't let her

You should be the one to feel bad.
She shouldn't have to ask for the divorce she shouldn't have married you in the first place...marriage isnt about controlling someone and making them not talk to their parents.
Maybe this would be a good time to make things right and tell her you want to change you encourage her to get in contact with her parents--regardless of whatever happened between you and the parents or her and the parents to block this communication...you need to fix that! YOU.
She's been going around under your control no wonder she feels like shes TRAPPED and unhappy

I hope you get some professional help....or spiritual help.

haha, i think you got me wrong. Her relationship with her parents is bad, she packed her bags and came to stay with me. At that point of time of cause i will not ask her to leave right and i also do not have the heart to ask her leave not that i love her, is that i felt that she was pity at that point of time... so eventually we married as i thought i can live with someone i do not really love, but loved me...

imnapp · 01-29-2008, 02:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whattodo0

Now, this is just my opinion, but I dont think its fair to lay the blame entirely on him. She is an adult, and while she may be vulnerable and not as independant, she makes her own choices. He may not have forced her to not speak to her parents, and he may not be consciencly controlling her. It might be her choice to let that happen.

I dont know how old you two are, but I feel for you. There are a few similarities in my marriage and yours. I know what you mean about feeling obligated and worrying about their well being, I feel the same, on top of worrying about my own well being as Im not 100% sure I'll be ok.

I would say, at the very least, try, try to love her, or at least be loving towards her. Give yourself a deadline, saying "if you dont feel a certain way about everything, about her, by whatever date, then its time to end it. But you might live with regret knowing that you didnt give it the effort it deserved. Im not saying that you will miraculously fall in love, you cant force it, but it at least deserves a good effort.

But you both deserve to be happy, so if its not with each other, its time to move on....Easier said than done, I know.

Hey, thanks. Actually I told her recently that I do not love her as what she thought. And i realised that the past few times she said she wanted a divorce, is actually out of anger, due to i never show her affection and love as a husband should.
She actually doesn't want to leave me.
But I really cannot force myself to love her more.I know she's been suffering and unhappy...
My situation reminds me of the movie heartbreak kid... its like not that the person is a really bad or what, but 2 good persons may not make a good relationship.
I will not just leave her like that i guess. if not i would have leave her long ago...

emate1209 · 01-29-2008, 05:20 AM

I think the least you could do, if you decide to end the relationship in divorce, is to end on good terms and help her get back on her feet. That way you can show some compassion, if not love, to your partner who has totally committed to you.

Best of luck.

Cheers

imnapp · 02-01-2008, 04:54 AM

Thanks.....I guess i really need luck... lots n lots of it..

sarahdale24 · 02-02-2008, 11:50 PM

I am amazed about the fact that you married someone you didn't love anyway. Ill keep the "mean words" to myself on that one. I think you made the situation WORSE than better. I agree divorce her and help her back on her feet, its the least you could do.

Even if she is an adult, its not her fault she married someone whom she thought was in love with her...

YOU cheated her!!!

BrokenFrag · 03-26-2008, 09:05 AM

Reading this makes me wonder if this is happening to me. My wife just sought a relationship with another man because of things she feels are missing from our relationship. She has even hinted that they never may have been there and that she doesn't want to give me a chance to find out. She got together with me right after getting out of a passionate, but failing relationship. I was her best friend, but I am one of those, smart, funny, nice guys. She still wants that danger and passion.

Our marriage is failing because of the choices she made and the lack of communication between us. Now I sometimes feel like I am in the same boat as your wife. I love my wife more than life itself. More than I should, and perhaps more than she deserves. But now, I am just waiting to find out if she loves me enough (at all?) to stay married. I want to stay married, but if she doesn't love me, what is the point? I will live in a constant state of fear and unhappiness.

I think you owe it to your wife to get the divorce and more importantly, help her find herself again. If you don't love her, at least respect her and show some compassion. I can only hope that my wife will do that for me instead of cheating again.

leah1987 · 03-31-2008, 07:05 AM

let her go and help her . it sounds to me you do still love her bc someone who didnt would pretty much say **** off. i can see you are not in love with her so u should probably tell her the truth and tell her she would be happier with someone else. it sounds really selfish of u and she will probably want to know why, but in no way blame her for it when telling her. if you are a loyal man you will take the blame, but have her still feel special. you can be friends without being lovers, cant u?