What do you think of that phrase..."I love you but I am no longer in love with you?"
Is this a reason to leave the marriage?
How rare is this that this is the only reason that a person would leave the marriage (no adultery, addiction, abuse, etc.)?
I am not at all suspicious that my husband is having an affair. However, this is the reason that he gives me for wanting a divorce. After 8 months, including marriage counseling, this is how he describes his feelings toward me.
I f*cking hate this phrase w/a passion. If you loved someone before it doesn't just disappear. Either they've replaced that love w/someone else or they've been too lazy in the relationship and the love is still there it's just gone stagnant and if the lazy's would get off their booties they could fix it.
I don't buy that phrase. Sorry. It's one of the ones that got thrown my way as well.
My wife and I seperated a weekafter mothers day. For the 2 months before this. I did some soul searching and continue to do so. there are two things that Ive said over the years that truly and undeniably crushed my wifes feeling. One was when we lived at my moms house. she was pregnant with our youngest boy at the time. My mom gets off work and she starts in on me about how she (wife) wasnt doing anything. This went on for days. It finally got to me and wife and i got into arguement and I called her lazy.
Now onto youre question. We had a female roommate at the time. Her and I were close. I started to develop feelings for her, never did I act upon those. I was confused, very confused then. So I told my wife that I was, had devoloped feeling for our roommate. then came that phrase, I love you but I'm no longer in love with you I told her. thinking back on those two very very hurtful things, I can see the look in her eyes and I hate myself for saying those things to her. I still cry over those things to this day. So what do I think of that phrase? I hate it it caused my wife so much pain i cant and dont think I can forgive myself for ever saying that to my wife..
Love is a choice, however, as in our case (separated 15 months and heading for divorce after 21 yr marriage), love/relationship killers can occur in the relationship that destroy it. Therefore, it is possible to love someone, but fall out of love and not be in "love" with them...if ongoing circumstances/behaviours kill the marriage and don't allow it to grow. These can include; ongoing abuse (verbal, mental, or physical), adultery, addictions, anger issues, etc...
Hopefully, counseling will assist in resolving these issues so the couple can reconcile and have a loving, fulfilling relationship. If this doesn't happen, the relationship is probably doomed and the cycles will continue...Unfortunately, I speak from painful experience. We can't rely on our feelings, because they decieve us. However, at the same time, it takes two to make the marriage work and to help the love to grow and to thrive.
I recently had my wife tell me this phrase. I really think it is a cop out. I am not sure if the people who say this don't have the courage to say what's really on their mind or what.
As lostman said above, he said it because he was confused about feelings he was having with someone else. I really just think it's something someone says when they don't have courage to say what's really going on inside of them. I say they should call the cowardly lion and get some courage and say what's really going on!
So far most of you thinks it's a cop out. Although Malibu brought up some very good points regarding relationship killers.
I tend to think yes we all make mistakes in marriages. After 24 years, I don't feel I did anything horrible. He didn't either.
Still, I think it's a cop out. I was willing to break down the issues and work toward a better relationship. He was done and felt the work had already been done by him. Although, I was unaware of his unhappiness or "work" he so-called did. I suppose he did but working on a marriage takes TWO! How come I didn't know it?
Anyway. This is a fairly new concept to me. I never paid much attention to. I figured if you loved someone that is IT!
I have to agree with D8zed. I have recently said those words to my husband because for me it is how I feel. After trying for years to work on our relationship and getting little to no affection or emotional support from him and being told that I am the one with the problems and being pushed to rely on my friends for emotional support because he told me most of what I have to say is rubbisha and that is what I have friends for, than, yah, it is hard to have the same feelings and love for that person.
As with my post above, I have uttered that phrase. I now know what it feels like to have had those words said to me. My wife told the same thing. Only thing was she knew that she loved me and cared for me. Just that the intimate part of being in love with me wasn't there. I know now what pain hurt it had caused her all these years. Do many of you think its a cop out of some sort sure, I can see it being used for that. Maybe my and wifes situation is a lil different I don't know.
Just remember it does cause pain no matter what.
In my 20's ( now 50) a guy I was dating told me that...
it was really bewildering as I had no concept of that idea.
As I figure it now that I'm older... I would see that as a red flag
that someone who thinks this way has some major issues and not
Maybe they are people who base love on feelings and you know you can't do that as feelings change.
After dating that person who told me that for awhile, I noted they were someone who was just out for themselves... a person who took their feelings very seriously...
and could not allow for someone elses feelings. He was a loser
and I was glad to be rid of him when I broke up with him.
What happened was: we were living together ( not married, thank God) and I moved and bought my own house.
He wanted to not only move along with me but have me put the house in his name too !!!
While we lived together we were more like room mates who had sex, than an actual relationship and he did not even apply for the loan, he could not pay for the loan and I did not want to bring him with me. I bough the house to get away from him !!!
not bring him along !!!
anyways, he had a major fit I wouldn't call the mortagage company and put his name on the loan. He had no idea how things worked and was a big dreamer with no substance.
He was the only person I ever met who used that term " I love you but not in love with you"...
I would take anyone saying that to someone as a bad thing and a good reason to leave that relationship.
"I Love you but I'm not in love with you" is just double talk for "there is someone else" either physically or emotionally.
I've heard that crap for years, including spoken by my ex-wife, and in every case, there has been someone else.
Don't buy that BS...
I would have to agree, although maybe there is no one else, just
fantasy. Maybe too much into themselves, unable to love, an immature defintion of love, having commitment issues,
unrealistic expectations... or a multitude of other possibilites...
Well, my husband who is "no longer in love" and I are going to tell our kids (14 and 20) that we are heading to a divorce.
He isn't cheating and is really a good guy and father.
I love him and I am in love with him, but will never accept him coming back into my life unless changes are being made. If he chooses, in the future, to come back.
Even though the divorce is his idea, I am the one moving. I don't want the memories or headache of the house. This is his choice (divorce). I figure let him live in the house that love built. Let him be alone, like he wants. Let him discover that the grass isnt' greener.
For 10 months, I tried...mostly by myself. I've begged at the beginning and backed off at the end, with marriage counseling in between. He wasn't into it. He loves me. I am sure. I have to let him go and find out for himself.
Yeah I hate that phrase to because a week in april I was told that very phrase and along with that phrase I was told Im not going to kiss you or hold you anymore because it has been fake....we went to counceling and it was all my fault but he was going to make an effort to save our marriage and didn't why? because he was having an affair with a coworker and while in counceling he reserved a room ..took a day of vacation..and spent it with her.
so I feel when that phrase is told it's because there is someone who replaced the feeling he had for you.