I met my husband when I was 17. He was my only boyfriend. We got married 3 year later. I was too young but I did not know it back then.
When I was 23, we moved across the world to live in another country. No family, only friends. I did not speak language so I was pretty much dependent on him. I could not drive neither. But I learn day by day. After couple of years, I was suddenly independent and he did not like it much.
I remember him yelling at him when I learn to drive, laughing at me or belittling me when I did not say something grammatically right.
When I am going back in my memory, he was always controlling over our money. I asked him to have separate account, he did not let me. He said we will have to get divorce if I want something like that.
Our marriage went down when we moved. I was hoping for some support but I hardly get it. He does not mind to say anything about me front of our close friends.
When I was depressed and actually thought about suicide, he just laughed when I told him about it. He did not take it seriously and each time I was mad about something he would ask if I forgot to take my pill.
He did not like me to go to gym on my own, but would not go with me neither. He always check what I do. He never let me buy something online on my own without him handling payment. I find that ridiculous.
Our fights always end in name calling each other. We lost respect long time ago. When he pushed my buttons and I said something ugly to him because I could not stand it anymore, he would slap my face or grab me and start yelling at me. He always made me feel that I deserved it. Actually, his friend has same opinion about women who deserve being slapped once in a while when they behave this way.
It was not long time ago, I was doing dishes when he started to touch me. I seriously told him to stop and when he did not, I pushed his face away. After that, he grabbed or squeezed my face with his hands and told me to stop acting like this or he slaps me. I called him emotional abuser but he said, it is my who abuses him...
When we visit our home country, his family is always more important. He hardly spend time with mine. He makes fun of them often, says things about the way they live because they are poor and his family is doing better.
When he called me names just because I did not do what he wanted or made him mad, he always said it was my fault and nobody else.
Now, almost 8 years later, nothing has changed. I went to therapist for more than a year. She said I have changed, my personality did and I don't like or accept what I did when I was younger.
I do not know what I feel toward him anymore. I do not feel need to kiss him, actually, when he tries to kiss me through our 5 min sexual thing, I usually turn my head away. I do not feel much attractions anymore, nor excitement when he touches me.
I feel very lonely. I am doing fine at work, with friends, everywhere but home.
When I ask for some attention like back grabbing, he will tell "you first" - always.
I told him about marriage counseling. He said he won't go because it is only me who is unhappy and everything is just my fault. He never admits anything. I made myself appointment and I will go.
My husband is always nice to most of the people he is around. He loves to socialize a helping out. Everybody loves him but I do know him in some different way.
And I do not know what to do anymore. I am very confused. But I know what I miss in my life. I want to feel loved, appreciated and wanted. He knows, I wrote him long email and received no reply. What would you do???
That is what I keep telling myself. If I had more lives to live, I would spend this one with him to see how it goes. But, we are here only once.
I will see if counseling helps. If not, I will have to start over. It is kinda scary for me though.
The first steps are very scary.. its like opening the door to hell and you have to walk through a walk way of fire, just keep in you mind with each step you take and every second you are getting burned that you will see the light at the end! I know how you feel.. I been there.. you just gotta be strong and don't look back.. just keep walking! After its all over.. starting over is the best feeling you will ever have in your life! Good luck <3
He reminds me of my husband. We all have different ways of loving each other. Do you love the way he makes you feel, do you even like it? DO the good times outweigh the bad? The way he loves, might not be right for you. There are women out there, that can live with a man who treats them, the way your husband treats you. Not that they dont have any respect for themselves, it was just the way they were brought up.... to be able to "take" behavior like that and be happy. Are you happy? Honey, if you're not. It's time to move on. It sucks for us women, because the men, can make more money, so at times, we do feel trapped. No money of our own, no independence. Being totally finacially dependent on someone, leads to other feelings....like hopelessness, worthlessness, and at times suicide. You've got to be strong and do what's best for you. I will say a prayer tonight for you. Because I can relate to what you;re dealing with. Stay strong. Truly ask yourself the hard questions and know that you ARE strong enough to make the right choices, for you! And like what Northernlights said "don't get pregnant before you go". It will be harder to leave with a child, but not impossible, not at all impossible. Take care sweetheart!