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im in the navy and want a divorce

4K views 32 replies 7 participants last post by  Married in VA 
#1 ·
Im in the navy and have been married for 5 years, we have a 4 yo daughter. i want to divorce my wife because im not happy any more, and i dont think i ever really was. we got married before i enlisted, and she was always controlling and abusive, and very volitile and vindictive. i ignored all that back then though because there was good times and to be honest we got high together, but even then when we got together, she started putting herself at odds with my family for one crazy reason or another like she does with everyone in her life, but the reasons are things that no one else seems to no about or things she exaggerated or flat out made up and believes those things to be the truth. i know it sounds like im being accusing of her already, but this really is her doing, she pushed me away with costant accusations, mental, verbal and physical abuse, and basically making every attemt to try and sabotage my other relationships with friends and family,unless they were somehow benefiting her, i.e. it was a good hook up for her to get drugs, or she needs something from them, but if they couldnt or wouldnt do what she wanted it was "f*** them, their POS blah blah, then if i dont agree, well then im a POS(im sure you can see where this pattern goes), it got to where basically me and her were just shut in and no one wants to be around us because everytime she is involved in anything there is always an "incident" where she starts an argument/fight or in some form or another makes everyone especially me uncomfortable, usually this would involve a nearly psychotic scene in public place or in front of a large group of people. eventually these outbursts became more directed at me when it was just the 2 of us, and would eventually manifest into me being verbally and physically abused because she "heard i f***ed so and so"(which i was totally devoted and faithful to herfor the first nearly 4 years of marriage) so, i joined the navy and we moved to VA had a baby and things were good...for a few months...once we got to VA she really had me all to herself, and would have the outbursts and accuse me of things etc, would make things up to try and get some kind of reverse confession out of me when i had done nothing wrong and there was nothing to confess. this went on for about 3 years. being on the ship i was in and out of port alot, then fianlly made a choice to try a spacial warfare program before going on deployment, i still had to get underway for about 4 months of the deployment though, while im away, she is spending every nickle i made(around$4000 a month), not paying any bills, is impossible to get in touch with, is dumping our daughter on whatever stranger would take her, having a very intimate relationship with a local scumbag(i read his facebook love letters to her), until he went to jail anyway. so my spec war request goes through and i come home. i keep to myself that i know what i know, and wait for her to have an outburst or drop one of her little passive aggressive remarks orwhat she thiks is a subliminal message, i was just so glad to be home i just let it all go, and never brought it up, not for a while any way. there was many outbursts while i was home for that 3 weeks before i had to go to training, including a very public incident at busch gardens where she exclaimed that she had just given oral sex to some one in a portopot, which was hard to disbelieve since while we were off fighting a random guy came up to my brother and who was with my daughter and asked if he could have his coat from the back of the stroller.
so i leave for training, fighting and accustaions hurled at me til i nearly get on the plane, and they continue for months while im away, and keep in mind she still isnt paying any bills and spending every nickle i make, finally i need some kind of money, and decide to open a side account and give myself about 600 a month($20 per day) for whatever i might need, a beer, can of dip, whatever...well she insists im a scumbag etc, i dont need any money blah blah,this goes on another couple months, til finally i couldnt take it. i opened a seperate bank acct, and decided i was going to take 1000-1500 a month, and go ahead and do what i wanted, she cleary had no sympathy for my situation, and i guess i had noe for hers(since i actually knew what hers was. im pretty sure a mother and 2yo can survive with 2000-2500 a month with no bills)being away from her the more i started to see who she was, and the less i felt obligated to her will. and the happier i became. eventually i ended up meeting a girl and one thing led to another(i guess i figured if i was being punished for a crime i might as well commit it) my traing continued for another year, so did her accusations and outbursts and abuse, but i wasnt physically there for her to get at(except for the transition from IL to FL, where she beat me up and still currently on probation for domestic assault) so i was really starting to see how poisonous she was. my traing continued for another year across several states, and i continued to live for me and got happier, i was achieving my goals and had peice of mind that i was providing for my family(or at least my daughter) well i finished my training, got the dream assignment, and brought her and my daughter here so we could be together as a family again, both of our mistakes forgotten, clean slate. she aggreed but that wasnt what happened, since her arrival its been like clock work, her outburts, verbal abuse, she wont hit me anymore because she knows ill call the cops, interferring with my job, controlling our money(all i buy is dip, pay my car payment/insurance and CC bills) she burns through everything else. now she is lashing out at our daughter, having wild screaming fits "if you get out of this f***ing bed again ill beat the f***ing s*** outta you" she screamed that in the face of a crying 4 year old. but the thing is the after she says and does this stuff, she acts like it didnt happen, and she has always done that, and for years i went along with it, but i cant any more. im miserable. im a different person. I really see how toxic and what abad person she is now. i know what i need to do, i guess im trying to do it with the least amount of damage to me and my daughter...any ideas? sorry for the vent. theres more in depth details if you want to know..
 
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#33 ·
Navy,
You, like me, are in a bind here. If you D your wife and you end up with custody of her, you will have to produce a dependent care plan. Failure to have this, unfortunately, will result in administrative separation. You can get severance pay on the way out. There is a calculator online to determine how much it would be. To stay in, you will have to:

1. Find a family member who is willing to care for your daughter while you are deployed.

2. Find a long term nanny or someone you could give temporary custody to. This can be a problem as your wife will likely fight this.

3. Surrender custody to your wife.

Outside of this, there is not much you can do. The Navy cannot support single parents due to the need to be worldwide deployable in a moment's notice. Best of luck here.
 
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