Am I a fool??

Baobab · 06-05-2009, 02:33 PM

After 6 years of marriage I feel this is breaking point. The question is, how much do you 'give' before you know it's time to 'give up'.

I do truly love my husband and all the special points that make him a good man. But he sees the world so differently to me. He has no sense of responsibility and puts himself first all the time. He and my daughter (now 17) kick off all the time and it's exhausting. I get home from work after a long commute and he's just sat there drinking watching crap tv. He is emotional 'challenged' due to a tough life as a youngster, and I have usually coped ok, but I've got a lot of baggage too and with the stress building, now I'm resorting to child like behaviour to get a reaction. Unfortunately it's having the desired effect and I'm getting scarred for both us.

Having extended my mortgage a few years ago on the basis of 2 incomes, I am now forced to sell up because he gave me little contributions, now gives me nothing and hasn't done for over 6 months. I know the recession is having an impact but he still drinks and gambles daily!!??!! It has created so many arguments (increasingly volatile), we're beginning to 'hate' each other and the drinking is getting really bad.

All my head screams to end it, but I'm in such turmoil emotionally, my heart can't let go. I'll lose my lover, my only good friend and confident and all our hopes and dreams of the new life together we planned for when the teen goes her own way.

When do you know when to quit?

How do you bite the bullet and take the leap - I'm terrified.

D8zed · 06-05-2009, 02:45 PM

How do you know when to quit? A good place to start is by reading "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It will help you decide if there is enough 'good' left to stay in the marriage.

Baobab · 06-05-2009, 03:11 PM

Thanks, I'll take a look. New to this stuff so appreciate all comments

Blanca · 06-06-2009, 06:19 PM

Have you ever heard of alanon? its for family and friends of alcoholics. There are a lot of women there, and some men, who are going through exactly what you are and can really help you learn some coping skills. i went to some meetings myself and it was so helpful. if there isnt a group in your area then you can also get the literature off their website. its really helpful. Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

joshtried · 06-14-2009, 05:26 AM

its hard when you know what a marriage is supposed to be, and that is what you want, and it seems that the other does not. the drinking and gambling is probably more out of frustration and anger about his personal situation. you even said the drinking has recently gotten worse.. the drinking is stress related.. everyone has a release for anger and stress.. he has turned to drinking.
im sure you understand this, but maybe he hasnt fully grasped it..

Baobab · 06-16-2009, 03:52 PM

Mm, so what's the key? Getting him to grasp it?? Because I have been truly crap at that (and communication is supposed to be a strength ironically in work). Thank you Blanca for the Al anon site. I will follow it up when I feel less tearful