Please help

D8zed · 06-05-2009, 02:42 PM

My biggest and most difficult to overcome trait is the need to not hurt anyone's feelings. In other words, I will avoid having difficult conversations like the plague. And if I get drawn into a difficult conversation, I will dance around the issue and avoid giving an answer. As a result, nothing gets settled and everyone gets dragged thru hell not knowing what's going on.

The latest example is telling my W straight up that I'm done with the marriage. The other example is telling the children.

Does anyone have any tips, thoughts, suggestions, anything to help me overcome this?

I hate it that I'm this way and it has created an incredible amount of tension and stress in our household as the W and I fight our way thru our marriage struggles.

Thanks!

Corpuswife · 06-05-2009, 03:28 PM

Hey are you my husband? Ha.

I would suggest that the not knowing when, where, why or how is much more difficult than letting the "cat out of the bag." (on both sides of the equation)

I know my husband had something to say....he's like you not wanting to hurt feelings. However, my feeling were hurt anyway because he failed to tell me when things started to go wrong. He failed to tell me when he felt the marriage was over. He also failed to tell me when he felt he was "working" on the marriage by himself. You see I didn't know he was unhappy!!! He didn't express or say a word.

So.....now everyone knows something is wrong. The air needs to be cleared.

Do it in a nonconfrontational way. No "you never" just use "I" statements. They deserve the truth. Do it as loving as you can. Prepare for confrontation but remain as calm as possible.

The good news is that you realize your issue and are asking for advice. I am on the "other" side in LIMBO. I knew something was wrong but I was left guessing. My husband eventually told me, and felt immediately better for doing so.

Dancing Nancie · 06-05-2009, 04:34 PM

Oh my this one hit home! I had no idea my wife was unhappy either Corpus. That is pretty tough to deal with.

D8zed, have you ever spoken with a counselor about this issue? It is impossible to work out problems with that behavior, and you will be well served going forward with or without your wife if you resolve this issue.

Corpuswife · 06-07-2009, 09:43 AM

It is much better knowing than the unknown! (coming from the other side of the equation)...

All I have to say is keep it simple and truthful and be as loving as you can.

Country Girl · 06-07-2009, 02:07 PM

Well, I really don't see how this is going to be much of a conversation since you have made your mind up. You know you are leaving, and you are looking for a pleasant way to convey that to her. However, from what you've said, she is probably going to reacted badly and try to involve the children--regardless of how the message is delivered. Perhaps you could write a very nice letter to her. In that letter tell her that you'll be ready to discuss things when both of you have had time to adjust to the reality of the situation. I'm not sure how you should present the letter. Due to her explosive nature, I'm assuming you wouldn't want to be present when she reads it. Others may disagree, but it's a thought....

D8zed · 06-08-2009, 09:19 AM

The weekend was interesting to say the least. Wife and I had an actual discussion on Saturday about the marriage. I told her it would require a 180 degree turn if it was to be salvaged. I won't go into details but by the end, it was pretty obvious it wasn't going to turn around.

On Sunday we had another conversation (initiated by her) about moving forward with the divorce. Again, it was a good discussion and she actually said she would prefer a mediated divorce which is what I was hoping for.

The next VERY difficult conversation is with S19 and D16. I dread it soooooo much and my heart aches when I think about it. If anyone has any experience with talking to the kids, I sure would like to hear it.

Corpuswife · 06-14-2009, 07:41 AM

About telling the kids. Last weekend we told my S(20) and D(14). My son's reaction was what he expected. He's sad but feels like there isn't much for him to do. My daughter cried for one hour after we told her. It wasn't extremely sad for my husband and I. We both held her and let her cry. I cried also for more than an hour. We told them that we loved them; it had nothing to do with them; we told him it was my husband's idea to divorce and that I didn't want it; we told them that we still loved each other (my husband and I).

I told my daughter that it's important to not keep her feeling inside because they will eat her up. To try to share with us, even if you think it might hurt our feelings. Her only question during that day, was where am I going to live?

Keep it short sweet and loving. Keep it open for discussion, in the future, if they wish to talk.

D8zed · 06-15-2009, 07:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Corpuswife

we told him it was my husband's idea to divorce and that I didn't want it;

Why did you tell her it was your hubby's idea? Isn't she angry and resentful now toward your hubby?

MrsVain · 06-25-2009, 11:54 PM

You said in one of your posted that you were going to tell your kids, how did that go?

I have no idea how i am going to tell my kids and they are all over the age range. 3yr male, 7year old male, 12 year old female, 15 year old male, and 23 year female. i think my 23 year is just waiting for it and will handle it well, she knows all that has been going on. but the others, i am not sure of. my 7 year old especially, he is so emotional and sensitive. i am worried how maing this decision will effect them so if you dont mind telling me your experience when you told yours.

D8zed · 06-26-2009, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrsVain

You said in one of your posted that you were going to tell your kids, how did that go?

I have no idea how i am going to tell my kids and they are all over the age range. 3yr male, 7year old male, 12 year old female, 15 year old male, and 23 year female. i think my 23 year is just waiting for it and will handle it well, she knows all that has been going on. but the others, i am not sure of. my 7 year old especially, he is so emotional and sensitive. i am worried how maing this decision will effect them so if you dont mind telling me your experience when you told yours.

MrsVain...

It has been very, very difficult finding the courage to tell S19 and D16 about the divorce. We have had 5 opportunities to do so and I've not been able to go through with it. The wife and I had another long discussion last night about saving the marriage but I think we both realize it won't work. Therefore, opportunity #6 might happen tonight. (Unless my wife has a change of heart today)

I know exactly what I'm going to say and I will include it in this post below. I came up with my speech by doing lots of research on what to say. I think the difficulty in your situation is the wide age ranges. Although it is recommended you tell all the children at the same time, it might be best for you to have separate discussions with your younger ones. It's recommended parents adapt the message to the maturity level of the child.

Anyway, here is a summary of what I'm going to tell my children. Let me know if you have any thoughts or concerns.

Quote:

Your mother and I have been having a hard time and you've probably noticed something wasn't right between us and you are right. This is going to be difficult for all of us so I thought it best if we talk openly and honestly.

First, I want you to know that your mother and I love you both with all our heart and soul. We will always be here for you. We're your parents and always will be.

The first question you probably have is "are you getting divorced" and the answer is yes we are. We have some big issues in our relationship and some of them go back to when we were first married. The issues have grown over time and we are not able to resolve them. That's the reason for our unhappiness.

I know divorce is a scary word but all it really means is that our family will be experiencing some changes.

Everything in life keeps changing like style of clothes, the seasons, going to new schools, making new friends. Our family is going to change so there's more peace and happiness.

Our first reaction to change is probably fear and that's normal. We're scared when go to the dentist the first time, or start in a new school. S19 and D16, you were both scared when you moved from the Jr. High to the high school, remember?

But things have a way of working out. For example, both of you loved going to the high school when you got used to it. And S19, you now love going to college although you were probably worried at first.

Divorce will be the same way. Things will be new and different for awhile but life will go on and we'll get used to the changes. And some we may like better. But one day you will look back and say "everything's okay".

Now let me tell you what changes you'll see........blah blah blah

I'll stop here and let you ask questions. You can ask us anything except about our issues. Those are private and will remain between mom and I.

Thanks and good luck!

MrsVain · 06-27-2009, 12:18 PM

its really too bad you and your wife cant make it work out.

Good luck on your talk with your children. Sounds good. I like the last part.

Let me know how that goes, hope it works out well with the children.

easysilence · 07-02-2009, 02:02 PM

So did you talk to your kids? Or did you decide to NOT get a divorce? I know that when I have my mind all made up to leave and then I don't (which is what has happened EVERY time so far) I get really embarrassed and don't want to see people. I'm ashamed of myself for not having the cahones to leave when I know I should. Am I the only one that feels this way? I'm interested to know what happened with you.

sisters359 · 07-02-2009, 02:32 PM

Our kids are 19, 11, and 7. Due to their age ranges, we told each separately. I had to tell our 11 year old son by myself, because he'd seen his dad crying and was upset, needing to know why, and dh wouldn't be around for the next 2 days, so dh and I agreed I should go ahead and tell him and then dh would follow up when he was home, which he did. We check in with the kids frequently about it, too, basically daily--any questions? How are you feeling, what are you worried about, etc, depending on the situation. We are not separating our lives right away (although end of August is the target date) so the kids get used to the idea first, and then changes will come slowly; we are each taking turns being away some so the kids get more used to single parenting. It's only been a few weeks, so too soon to tell how it's affecting them--no changes are obvious in their behavior, well, little ones with our daughter, who needs more verbal reassurance about our love, what is going to happen, etc. The boys integrated that information pretty well and they understand about 2 households.

D8zed, I love what you wrote. Our talk was similar although probably not so well articulated. I really emphasized that change is normal and while scary, is something we do all the time. My dh needs to hear that more than our kids, however. My kids see change as opportunity (like me--and I mean change, not chaos) and he has always feared it.

Corpuswife · 07-02-2009, 05:34 PM

What you wrote sounds good and loving.

The reason why we told our kids why we were divorcing...because "your dad wants a divorce." My husband and I agreed, ahead of time, so there was no suprises. He did the majority of the talking. It about killed him but this is his choice. I really felt strongly regarding tell the truth in a simple way.

D8zed · 07-03-2009, 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by easysilence

So did you talk to your kids? Or did you decide to NOT get a divorce? I know that when I have my mind all made up to leave and then I don't (which is what has happened EVERY time so far) I get really embarrassed and don't want to see people. I'm ashamed of myself for not having the cahones to leave when I know I should. Am I the only one that feels this way? I'm interested to know what happened with you.

What you wrote above pretty much describes my situation. I've had at least 5 different opportunities to talk with them and I have completely froze before each one. And yeah, I feel embarrassed, I get down on myself, and I just hang out alone in my bedroom. I don't quite understand it and it's very frustrating.

I've also had 3 or 4 discussions with my wife about fixing the marriage and every discussion ends up in the same place - this isn't fixable. This further adds to my frustration.

I am unable to move forward to find long-term peace and happiness.