Husband does not want to be with me but wont leave
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » Husband does not want to be with me but wont leave

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 11-02-2012, 11:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband does not want to be with me but wont leave

I'm so lost and confused. After a big fight (over something stupid and the same thing over and over), DH informed me that he does not want to be with me and has felt this way for a while now. He said he has been lying and pretending to be happy and in love. He is annoyed by me and says I act like my family (who he hates).

He says he loves me but does not want to be with me. He enjoys doing things together with our son. The only reason he does not want to divorce is because we have a 7 yr old son and DH does not want to hurt him.

He makes me feel guilty for wanting him to leave because he says I am not thinking of our son. I'm lost and confused. I dont know what to do anymore. Im so hurt. I try so hard to make life easier for him but he only sees the negative stuff in me.

He does not want to talk about his feelings and refuses to go to consuleing. Anyone else going through this?
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Old 11-02-2012, 03:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does not want to be with me but wont leave

Unfortunately, this is a REALLY common story. A lot of men are terrified of losing a close relationship with their children if they go through divorce, so they stay in a relationship when they wouldn't if no children were involved, and they take out their frustration on their wives.

Here's my advice--
  • Reprioritize your life so that the #1 priority is your health and mental wellbeing, #2 is being a good mom to your child, #3 is your career, and your husband is no higher than #4 on the list.
  • Do the 180.
  • Plan on the possibility that either you or your H will file for divorce. Are you financially secure? Do you have a good job? Will you need to sell your house? What are the child custody and spousal support laws in your state? I'm not saying that you need to file for divorce, but give yourself permission to visualize what that option would look like.
  • Read -- maybe beginning with Divorce Busting
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Old 11-02-2012, 03:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does not want to be with me but wont leave

Well, that's what he would do, not leave because of son.
You're not him, you're you.
Don't let him project onto you.
And, I think it's sinful what he did, pretending to love you and to be happy, to keep you around, whatever his reasons.
So did he spill the beans or did you have to elicit this truth?
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Old 11-02-2012, 03:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does not want to be with me but wont leave

Homemaker- I had to force it out of him. After arguing, I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he didnt know if he wanted to be with me anymore. I asked and forced him to tell me why. Thats when he told me he had been pretending for a while now.
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Old 11-02-2012, 07:57 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does not want to be with me but wont leave

Are you in a position that you could give him an ultimatum to move out or make a commitment to work on your marriage (for ex, go to counseling, read books together, set up a plan to spend x amount of time together doing couple things, etc)?

If yes, you might think about saying "I love you and want this to work. But I am not okay with staying married to someone whose only commitment is to his son and not to his wife. You need to go all in, or I will file."

If not, you have two options (and you can pursue both at the same time). (1) get yourself in that position -- start setting aside money, talk to family to get a support system in place, educate yourself about state laws. (2) try to work on the relationship on your own. You might gain a lot of insight by reading about what it takes to make a good marriage (read 5 languages of love, His Needs her needs, seven principles of making marriage work) and also by reading something like Divorce Busting to see how you can try to work on the relationship on your own.
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Old 11-02-2012, 09:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does not want to be with me but wont leave

My husband has told me that he doesn't think our marriage is going to work even though I have done nothing but love him and put up with his wierd behavior. I have now begun to despise him because of his threats to divorce me just because I have an opinion every once in a while. It hurts when the one person you think will always be there for you ends up being the one who isn't.
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Old 11-02-2012, 10:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband does not want to be with me but wont leave

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Originally Posted by scartissue View Post
Homemaker- I had to force it out of him. After arguing, I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he didnt know if he wanted to be with me anymore. I asked and forced him to tell me why. Thats when he told me he had been pretending for a while now.
I figured.
I just ended a relationship where I was being kept around for company and convenience. Then they have that excuse, ohhhhh, I didn't want to hurt your feelings. So.....you decided to use up all my time and energy and make me feel bad about myself because I wasn't getting needed reciprocal love in a relationship, and it felt cold and lonely? How is that not hurting my feelings?
I hope you will just leave. It's honestly not worth trying to build a relationship with someone who knows they don't love you and pretend to do so because they are too weak to deal with teh consequences, or even open a discussion and let you, as an individual, have a choice about what to do with your life, given the truth.
I'm glad you figured it out and didn't carpet sweep. Of course you need the truth to know what to do. Good for you for following your instincts and prying it out of him.

As for me, I am so glad I had an apartment to drive home to. I was okay waiting til next day to leave, but then he tried to start and argument by saying that he thought I was going to get up and break his precious champagne glasses he had made and had all waiting for boxing up. I was in bed, saying I would leave in the morning, that I was going back to sleep. But after he tried to start an argument, by accusing me of something I wasn't even thinking of doing, I decided to leave. How insulting! I mean, the truth was no surprise, but then him trying to make me out to be some destructive angry bi*ch, I was like oh, now that I know I'm wasting my time here with you, I will go home. Duh. Not like breaking anything would like make him love me? The reasoning of people like this does not make sense at all. I think they are really conceited, even narcissistic.
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