Orich

After 1 year of counseling, my wife still says she is no longer in love with me. We have been together for 10 years, married for 8, and have two boys; 3 and 5. She is my second wife, and is the world to me. I love her very much and am devastated. She says her feelings changed after I failed to "step up to the plate" during a very bad financial crisis. I, however, noticed a slight change in her attitude since the deaths of her mother and close sister -in-law at the same time about a year and a half before this. Unfortunately, we have never been very good at communication, so, neither of us let on to the other any complaints we had during those times.
As of right now, we are living together, still very friendly, almost as if nothing is different except for the fact that we are no longer intimate, don't hold hands, hug, etc. She has no plans to separate or even sleep in different rooms, we still share a bed. She is comfortable with this, I am having a very hard time.
FInally, she is seeing a therapist to see if there is anything blocking her feelings for me. This is my final thread of hope.
I was hoping to see if anyone else has been or is in a similar situation and had a positive outcome.
Thank you.

wonder

i was in a similiar situation w/ my stbxh. he changed, i didn't, so he said i didn't contribute to our marriage, he did all the work, i was lazy, blah blah blah. we did counciling, didn't work (i now think he had no intention to make it work). we lived seperately in the same house until this past feb when he finally moved out. it's been over a year since he said he didn't love me anymore. he was constantly saying we're going to get a divorce. i told him he's the one who has to file and pay my fees. we both talked to lawyers. other than that, no word from him about a divorce. he's now saying his head's just messed up. what keeps me going is the lawyer i talked to said if he really wanted a divorce, nothing would have stopped him from filing.
don't know if this helps, but at least you know you're not alone in dealing w/ this crap.

Corpuswife

I call this LIMBO. Nothing changes except the "disconnet" of feeling. That is where I feel that you are in the mud and not moving. See my thread on "I love you but am no longer in love with you."

For my husband 2 major crisis in a year started these feelings. Similiar to your wife's family deaths. I suppose it starts stirring up feeling of "is there more to life?" Plus my husband is 45 and perhaps has a touch of the mid life crisis as well. I don't know.

I've tried everything. He said he tried before and did it all. Of course this was during the time in which he never expressed his unhappiness and pretended to be happy! I didn't know or suspect. He could have COMMUNICATED! duh. In Oct. once he admitted this no longer in love with me feeling, I was like "lets work on this!" He wasn't receptive at much. His trying meant half hearted attempts....couples counseling included.

This is what I did. After 3 months of him saying he wanted a divorce and doing nothing to move forward with it, and me seeing in pain and living the the darkness ( as I termed it). I decided that I wan't going to be a doormat. I told him, the I was going to move along and move out. He said "no you stay in the house." I said "NO WAY." I don't want the house and the memories and the headaches. I want to start fresh with our daughter (14) and you can have the neighbors knocking on your door asking where I am!

This sucks. I hope that reality will sink him once we are gone and he's left with an empty house. This is my last resort. However, I am not filing for the divorce. We'll see how fast he files when I leave!

Orich

Corpuswife,
I thought about moving out, but I don't want to leave my 2 boys, and I don't want to take them out of the house. Also, I can't help but feel like we can fix this as long as we are together, I look at it like a sickness almost. Once she gets better, it will be ok. But while she is sick, I can't abandon her. Does that make sense, or am I just a pathetic excuse for a man? I married her for better or worse, this is the worse.

Feelingalone

Orich,

Always remember that things always work out, just not necessarily the way you want them to. Don't think of it as fixing it, think of making it better.

She probably is going through a tough time with the deaths. In some people it brings about a downness that is hard to break. I see it in my mother when one of her remaining brothers dies or one of her close friends. It brings out her mortality to her and brings her down. All you can do is be there for her.

It will take time but it sounds like you are willing. See what the therapist tells her and maybe she will see things anew.

Amplexor

It was over two years ago when I heard those words from my wife. But here we are, still together, still working at it, still supporting each other. Communication was also a huge problem for us. But today we communicate better than we ever have. You mention physical intimacy as a problem for you so I would guess that is your love language. Start communication with her and let her know that physical touch is important to you. (Chapman’s The 5 Languages of Love) Just as she is looking for you to “step up to the plate” in dealing with financial issues you need her to do this for you. Tell her that. Recovery is a two way street. It may be awkward even difficult for her at first but given time it can become more natural and caring. My wife and I are not completely whole yet but we are in a much better place for our marriage and kids then we were when it all went to crap. Give it time and effort and it can turn around for you also. Good luck, I hope the therapist can help you find some answers.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Orich

Thanks, guys, it is good to hear some positive feedback. I feel so hopeless sometimes. I am trying very hard to keep a positive attitude, and hearing these responses give me hope that my wife and I will stay together and have a strong marriage again. I am ready to continue to work hard and stay patient.

Feelingalone

I know what you mean about trying hard to keep a positive attitude. Everyone has their moments of weakness - I know I do. But for me they get further apart. You just got to work on yourself as well. For me that seemed selfish, but then I realized that if I am happy that will help everyone around me be happier. I've also tried to use agape love more where I have no expectations in return -- that is really helping me. For that is where I get down -- when nothing seems to be given in return (even if that is a sham) when I expected it. Amplexor had a nice link to an article about the types of love and that is where it really hit me. So Amplexor if you see this -- thanks for the link and info.

Amplexor

Sure thing Feeling and thank you for the props. Agape love was a tremendous asset for me when she was completely disconnected from me for many months. It really can help with the emotional roller coaster. Good luck to you both.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

SnapDragon

I don't understand what apage love is...help?

Orich

Amplexor,
What did you do during those disconnected months? How did you interact with her? I don't know what I should talk about with her, or if I should touch her. What can I do during this time to remind her that my love is still there and isn't going anywhere? Or, should I remind her that now? I want to make sure that I don't do anything to turn her away permanently.
Thanks!

Feelingalone

Snap Dragon:

Agape: Many have heard me speak of agape love in several posts over the last year. Agape love is of particular significance to marriages in troubled waters, especially if one partner has disconnected. To love agapely is to love your spouse completely, love them wholly, but expect nothing in return from them at the current time. Agape love is different from eros love in that it is not sexual, nor romantic in nature. Its nature is that of self sacrifice but is not unconditional. You can love your spouse completely and still have boundaries and maintain your self respect. Agape love is also different from the other kinds of love in that you can choose it. You can elect to love your spouse this way because it is what is best for your family and marriage. It is a giving of yourself for the betterment of the marriage. Agape love can help you to “protect” yourself emotionally during difficult times as you love your spouse but expect nothing in return. Many I talk to have difficulty in trying to apply this type of love but if the marriage is in trouble and the detached spouse still cares for you but is in danger of leaving agape love can do wonders both for you and the marriage.

Amplexor

Everyone’s situation is different. In our case, we remained friends even during the hardest of times. We became better friends and more supportive of each other when we found ourselves standing at the exit to our marriage. We interacted as friends and co-parents to our kids. We did keep physical intimacy (not sexual) though out this period. Physical touch is my love language. Words of affirmation is hers. She still struggles at times with speaking my language but has improved greatly. It is a hard call to determine if you should give her space or try to draw her closer. (Try reading Dobson’s “Love Must be Tough") If she is willing to continue to try and make the marriage happier tell her of your need for physical touch. If she makes an effort give it lots of time to grow and improve. Don’t push her too hard and let it develop naturally. As far as showing her you love her and are committed then stick religiously to the changes you have made and do not falter. Remember it only takes one awe crap to wipe out a hundred attaboys. There is nothing wrong with occasionally telling her of your commitment but don’t over do it. As far as deep discussions about the marriage goes, if there is nothing new to discuss, leave it alone. Let things heal. Because she has said she is not interested in separation or divorce you are in a better situation than you think. Many on the forum would love to be in that position. Good luck.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Orich

Thank you Amplexor. You have given me hope. My wife used to love when I brushed her hair, or spent a few minutes scratching her back. Recently, as she sat up in bed reading, I reached over and began to scratch her back, which I had done many times before. She kinda shrugged me off and said "You don't have to do that". I didn't do or say anything other than "OK". On one particular morning, I told her I thought she looked beautiful (she did). She said thank you. I asked if it was OK that I said that to her, to which she replied "You can say anything you want" not in a pissy way, though. Lastly, just last night I went to an appreciation dinner we were both supposed to attend. She wasn't feeling well and stayed home. While I was at the dinner, we texted back and forth a couple of times. When I came home, she asked how it was. I told her it was a nice evening, but I missed her. Her reaction to that was simply "oh yeah? was it weird going without me?" And then I ran down the evening to her. Mind you this was while we were both in the same bed about to go to sleep.
The thing that is in my head now, and that I am holding on to, is that if she was totally done with me, she wouldn't be interested in having conversations with me, texting me when I am not home, or even sleeping in the same bed. Or would she? I hope I am not projecting hope instead of assessing a fact.
Anyway, thanks for responding. As I said, I am trying to stay positive, and positive feedback here helps me tremendously.

Amplexor

Your wife doesn’t appear to be angry with you. She doesn’t loath you or hate you, she has just become indifferent and disconnected. Don’t read too much into her actions or comments. You are in a state of high anxiety right now so all of her actions are magnified, good and bad. If you hang on every word your emotional swings will peek and valley with them and that is a difficult ride to ride. Focus on the long term improvement and don’t get ecstatic if she gives you an unexpected peck on the cheek. It took the two of you a long time to get in this hole. You won’t clime out overnight. Be strong in spirit around her, continue your changes and show her you are in this for the long haul. Again, try “Love Must Be Tough”. Good luck.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp