How Do You Leave the One You Love?
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Old 06-08-2009, 01:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How Do You Leave the One You Love?

Hi Everyone!

My post is extremely long, I apologize in advance. If nothing else, typing it all out will help me get my own thoughts straight.
Thanks to all who take the time to read it.

I've been married to my husband for 6 years. There've been lots of great times and plenty of not so great ones; we've been through lots together--health issues, death of loved ones, moved from state to state 8 times.

He's got a very hot temper but he's also generally a good guy. I've loved him ever since our very first date almost 9 years ago, and still love him so much that it's hard to imagine life without him. However, shockingly enough, through the 6 years that we've been married, there hasn't been a single period of 3-4 months that's gone by without me considering to leave him.

Here's why: In addition to generally being extremely difficult to talk to, he explodes with anger anytime anything in our lives doesn't go the way he wants it to. There've been broken walls in our apartments, and broken furniture--but, although he ALWAYS blames me for everything that goes wrong, he's never actually touched me--he just yells and blames me, often telling me that I'm "ruining" his life.

As soon as the storm passes, things seem to return to normal--until something else happens. Now, mind you, it doesn't have to be anything "big"--in fact, the last thing that resulted in a blow out was when I'd shared with him that a difficult project I was working on for my boss wasn't coming along as planned. He yelled back, "Why do you feel it necessary to tell me all the negative sh*t, I don't wanna hear anything about your problems, if you're incapable of doing something, don't do it."

His temper is completely unpredictable; there are times when he'll go out of his way to help me with something (though he keeps track of all the times he's helped me, whether that be by doing something or financially, then reminds me of them whenever there's an opportunity to do so).

Another big issue for me, since the beginning, has always been his interest in other women. Now, I realize that ALL guys maintain that interest regardless of whether they're in committed relationships or not, but my husband actually OPENLY hangs out on porn sites (only Asian and 18yo "teen" porn sites, which adds to my hurt since I'm neither).

He also frequents Oriental bridal sites (the ones where you bring a bride from Asian countries) every chance he gets. He's got a major thing for Asian women (they're gorgeous, I agree)--but the thing is, it makes me feel completely inadequate because I'm not Asian (just a white, tall girl of a medium build--basically, the opposite of a petite Asian frame).

I've mentioned this to him many times, he just gets mad when I do and says, "I'm married to YOU, so what's the problem?" At one point, he stopped visiting these sites in front of me and did it when I wasn't around--I'd find "tiny Asian teen gets nude" sites it in history later.

Now, I know he wouldn't cheat on me--he's not the type to do that, he's extremely honest, and he always tells me that he loves me and wants to spend our lives together...but it's all still hurtful!

Lastly, one other thing that's always bothered me about him, is the fact that he despises his job and has basically put all pressure on ME to succeed in my career and business so that he can quit his job and start working for my new company.

This would all be fine if it weren't for a couple of problems: First off, he absolutely flips out at me (calling me names, telling me that I'll never amount to anything) anytime there's even a tiny setback in either my job or my business (because he feels as though his future depends on the outcome of mine).

Secondly, it's hard for me to live with a man knowing that I can't count on him for support. I mean, I'd like to have a kid...a family with a man whose shoulder I can lean on, but with him, I feel as though *I* am the one carrying the world on my shoulders.

I'm afraid to come to him with any problems or talk to him about anything at all because I'll just never know how he'll react, and I can't take his temper.

Besides all this, I feel like there are some fundamental differences in the way we view life. Family is more important to me than anything in this world. To him, MONEY plays that role--and he admits it. I often feel as though he's only with me because he's hoping that I succeed in all of my ventures, making him rich!

Meanwhile, I just want a carrying husband (which he CAN be, just not predictably and dependably), a kid (I'm 27--not getting any younger), and a stable family environment. He's 37, I really don't think there's anything in him that will change at this point!

Now, our current apartment lease is coming to an end in the beginning of July, so I've finally gotten brave enough to start packing some boxes and buy a ticket, in hopes of moving back in with my parents (other side of the country). I haven't said anything to him yet because I know that if I do, he'll absolutely flip out and just tell me to get out asap (which I can't do because I have to wait until the end of the month to turn in my leased car).

Every moment of every day, since buying my ticket, I wonder whether I'm making the right decision in leaving the man I LOVE with all my heart. I can't stop crying every time I remember the fact that once I'm gone, I won't see him anymore.

Yet there are so many times when I'm utterly unhappy and hurt by all the things he does! I tried reasoning with him, putting up with it all, ignoring it all...tried it all for 6 years, and nothing's changed.

Then I start telling myself that it could be worse--he could be cheating on me or hitting me, which he hasn't done...so what am I complaining about?! Then I remember all of the points I've summarized here, and try to convince myself that I'm making the right decision in leaving.

I JUST DON'T KNOW for sure. This is the problem.

If any of you have any words of encouragement (or otherwise), please, please share your thoughts with me.

Thanks; God Bless you all!
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Old 06-08-2009, 08:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Do You Leave the One You Love?

FitHazel, I am going through the very same thing as we speak only my H seems to be obbssesd with Indian women (which I am not indian) for at least the last 2 1/2 years. I don't think I would mind the porn as much if I did not just get "wham bam thank you mam" in the bed room.Its not like I have ever refused him sex at all but I am getting no satisfaction, and now I feel even if he did "touch" me, I don't feel "good enough", that he must be repulsed by me.

Its also the sneaking around and then lying about it, he will clear all of the web history but leave the torrent seed on the hard drive of the "Indian gangbang" movie he has downloaded.
To make things worse he can leave work if they are not busy so then I find myself a irrational nervous wreck until its time for me to come home,wondering what he is doing I find myself looking for clues on the PC and making myself ill.
I know I should not snoop but I am compelled to do so....

I have tried to talk to him about it but he gets angry I get upset and he tells me he is entitled to a private life and if I don't like it "get the F*** out!"

I don't want to leave but, I don't but I feel worthless and unattractive, also I am not a native of this country, I came here 5 years ago, so I have totally no family here, but a job I love and could get myself an apartment if need be, but there is always that part of me that is scared, you know if I was ill if I lost my job etc etc, what would I do, at least now I have a little security....

As Fit Hazel said if anyone has any tips/advice...maybe it is me I am expecting him not to behave like most men do?after all as you said, he is not cheating (that I know of) he is not out at strip clubs looking at naked women in the flesh, just pixels on a screen.

I don't know anymore...do/can people change if they wanted to?
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Old 06-09-2009, 08:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Do You Leave the One You Love?

I read the book "When love must be tough" by James Dobson.

If someone is doing something harmful (emotional abuse/verbal abuse) included than you need to stand up to him. Tell him in a calm nice way that this is something that you will no longer tolerate and unless he gets help, then you will be making arrangement to leave or he should leave (have this planned before hand).

If he promises to do something but doesn't take action, then you are OUT! If he gets angry and rejects helps, then you get OUT!

The only way someone walks over you is when you are lying down. Stand up!

I am doing this currently with my husband. It is against my nature and it sucks! This is my last resort.

Good luck. Please don't stay for the HOPE and for the potential KID. It will not get better just hoping.
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Old 06-09-2009, 12:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Do You Leave the One You Love?

Hazel,

I am too in your shoes... My husband and I have been together for 9 years, I am 26 he is 27. He does not hit me, cheat on me, and is generally a good guy. But he has a temper, short fuse, and gets upset over stupid ****! We are both dominant people but I am also very passive and level headed... I let the little things go and not worry. Because you can't fret about everything in life... You have to save it for the big stuff. you know?

We both tend to but heads and want what we want. Of course there's times when I let him get his way and vice versa... Well we have come to our end too. Although I love him I cannot put up with is negative attitude and negative aspect on life anymore... We are two different people who like different things in life and who want two different things out of life...

I spoke with my husband about all of this and we have decided to give it a month... See what happens and where it goes...

All I can ask is, Are you happy? Can you see yourself bearing this mans children? And can you see yourself being happy with this man for the next 30 years? If not, stop wasting your time. You will find someone else..

You were young when you got together and now that you older you realize this is not what you want... So do whats right and find someone that gives you 100% of his love and attention.
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Old 06-09-2009, 12:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Do You Leave the One You Love?

I understand your need to ask the question; "Am I making the right decision?" But you already know the answer. Yes. You are making the right decision.

What you describe certainly doesn't sound like a phase, or a funk he's in, that you can tell him to 'smarten up, and stop acting out.'

Has he ever been evaluated for depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, etc? There is a difference between unreasonable behavior, and irrational behavior. His behavior sounds irrational - if the behavior is beyond his ability to control, any threats or consequences you impose won't matter - ever, unless he is getting treatment.

If you stay, and nothing changes, you will simply fall deeper into dysfunction. I don't doubt that he has some very positive qualities. But you summed it up well, if you never know what you can count on, particularly in the event that you become parents, it means that you won't ever have a partner, you just have someone else in your life that you forever need to manage. It's not your job to fix him, that's his job - and if he doesn't believe that his issues are serious enough to address, then nothing will ever improve.

Is there any history between you in terms of getting to the bottom of his anger?
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Old 06-24-2009, 08:27 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Do You Leave the One You Love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FitHazel View Post
Hi Everyone!

My post is extremely long, I apologize in advance. If nothing else, typing it all out will help me get my own thoughts straight.
Thanks to all who take the time to read it.

I've been married to my husband for 6 years. There've been lots of great times and plenty of not so great ones; we've been through lots together--health issues, death of loved ones, moved from state to state 8 times.

He's got a very hot temper but he's also generally a good guy. I've loved him ever since our very first date almost 9 years ago, and still love him so much that it's hard to imagine life without him. However, shockingly enough, through the 6 years that we've been married, there hasn't been a single period of 3-4 months that's gone by without me considering to leave him.

Here's why: In addition to generally being extremely difficult to talk to, he explodes with anger anytime anything in our lives doesn't go the way he wants it to. There've been broken walls in our apartments, and broken furniture--but, although he ALWAYS blames me for everything that goes wrong, he's never actually touched me--he just yells and blames me, often telling me that I'm "ruining" his life.

As soon as the storm passes, things seem to return to normal--until something else happens. Now, mind you, it doesn't have to be anything "big"--in fact, the last thing that resulted in a blow out was when I'd shared with him that a difficult project I was working on for my boss wasn't coming along as planned. He yelled back, "Why do you feel it necessary to tell me all the negative sh*t, I don't wanna hear anything about your problems, if you're incapable of doing something, don't do it."

His temper is completely unpredictable; there are times when he'll go out of his way to help me with something (though he keeps track of all the times he's helped me, whether that be by doing something or financially, then reminds me of them whenever there's an opportunity to do so).

Another big issue for me, since the beginning, has always been his interest in other women. Now, I realize that ALL guys maintain that interest regardless of whether they're in committed relationships or not, but my husband actually OPENLY hangs out on porn sites (only Asian and 18yo "teen" porn sites, which adds to my hurt since I'm neither).

He also frequents Oriental bridal sites (the ones where you bring a bride from Asian countries) every chance he gets. He's got a major thing for Asian women (they're gorgeous, I agree)--but the thing is, it makes me feel completely inadequate because I'm not Asian (just a white, tall girl of a medium build--basically, the opposite of a petite Asian frame).

I've mentioned this to him many times, he just gets mad when I do and says, "I'm married to YOU, so what's the problem?" At one point, he stopped visiting these sites in front of me and did it when I wasn't around--I'd find "tiny Asian teen gets nude" sites it in history later.

Now, I know he wouldn't cheat on me--he's not the type to do that, he's extremely honest, and he always tells me that he loves me and wants to spend our lives together...but it's all still hurtful!

Lastly, one other thing that's always bothered me about him, is the fact that he despises his job and has basically put all pressure on ME to succeed in my career and business so that he can quit his job and start working for my new company.

This would all be fine if it weren't for a couple of problems: First off, he absolutely flips out at me (calling me names, telling me that I'll never amount to anything) anytime there's even a tiny setback in either my job or my business (because he feels as though his future depends on the outcome of mine).

Secondly, it's hard for me to live with a man knowing that I can't count on him for support. I mean, I'd like to have a kid...a family with a man whose shoulder I can lean on, but with him, I feel as though *I* am the one carrying the world on my shoulders.

I'm afraid to come to him with any problems or talk to him about anything at all because I'll just never know how he'll react, and I can't take his temper.

Besides all this, I feel like there are some fundamental differences in the way we view life. Family is more important to me than anything in this world. To him, MONEY plays that role--and he admits it. I often feel as though he's only with me because he's hoping that I succeed in all of my ventures, making him rich!

Meanwhile, I just want a carrying husband (which he CAN be, just not predictably and dependably), a kid (I'm 27--not getting any younger), and a stable family environment. He's 37, I really don't think there's anything in him that will change at this point!

Now, our current apartment lease is coming to an end in the beginning of July, so I've finally gotten brave enough to start packing some boxes and buy a ticket, in hopes of moving back in with my parents (other side of the country). I haven't said anything to him yet because I know that if I do, he'll absolutely flip out and just tell me to get out asap (which I can't do because I have to wait until the end of the month to turn in my leased car).

Every moment of every day, since buying my ticket, I wonder whether I'm making the right decision in leaving the man I LOVE with all my heart. I can't stop crying every time I remember the fact that once I'm gone, I won't see him anymore.

Yet there are so many times when I'm utterly unhappy and hurt by all the things he does! I tried reasoning with him, putting up with it all, ignoring it all...tried it all for 6 years, and nothing's changed.

Then I start telling myself that it could be worse--he could be cheating on me or hitting me, which he hasn't done...so what am I complaining about?! Then I remember all of the points I've summarized here, and try to convince myself that I'm making the right decision in leaving.

I JUST DON'T KNOW for sure. This is the problem.

If any of you have any words of encouragement (or otherwise), please, please share your thoughts with me.

Thanks; God Bless you all!
You might want to get him checked for diabeties as this can show up in outbursts and moodiness,just a thought.
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Old 06-25-2009, 11:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I can completely empathize with all of you ladies as *sigh* I'm also experiencing the same thing. My husband isn't into porn or anything but is obsessed with his job- a workaholic. We rarely have time to ourselves and he thinks that couple time should include our 2 kids (4 & 1).

He also has a nasty temper that errupts over things that are unfathomable to me. I just decided it's time for us to separate, but we just sold our house (unexpectedly fast) with the intention of buying a bigger home that we could grow into. I have to make decisions fast, but yesterday a good friend who watched his own mother make the same decision one day say to me "People don't change. If you've asked for change, been promised change over and over and it still doesn't happen, it isn't going to. You can leave now at 33 or when you are 53. Which do you think would be better for you? Are you willing to endure the frustration for another 20 years?"

Ironically yesterday another good friend told me that after 30-something years of marriage, her mother left her father because he also treated her the same way. She's due to retire next year. I couldn't imagine starting my retirement and my new single life all over again.

Though even though the writing really is on the wall, it's just so hard to do because there is always that glimmer of hope that you can rekindle what got you together in the first place.

I hope we can all find happiness, though I'm fully preparing myself for things to get way worse before they get any better...
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Old 06-30-2009, 07:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Do You Leave the One You Love?

Your post almost could have been written by me, except my husband isn't into porn. It is so heartbreaking when you love someone yet staying with him means you will be subjected to this type of behavior. I know just what you mean about not being able to approach him with problems, and feeling like you are the one who is carrying all the weight.

Close your eyes and think about the life you want. Can you be happy with him in that life? It doesn't sound like it. I think your mind is already made up and I think you made the right decision!
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Old 07-01-2009, 12:00 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Do You Leave the One You Love?

"tiny..teen gets nude" sites

How can you possibly DEBATE in your own mind if your leaving him is not the right thing to do? I'd bet money he is a blooming pedophile and if you ever had children..... YOU are TEN years YOUNGER than your dh. He is a 37 year old man looking at tiny little girls. You have children with him, and he'll be looking at YOUR tiny little girls.

And be certain, he LIKES Asians BECAUSE Asian females LOOK childlike in build and they are see by American males as submissive.

The line in red above is the most disturbing part about your OP; there are too many other serious problems inside your dh's head, nearly as disturbing. I believe your hunch that he married you because you could be successful and support him is likely very accurate; you are a meal ticket.

You seem like a very nice person, sure to be successful in life - you don't NEED this mess of a human being. Don't doubt yourself, trust your instincts!

Frogs are lovable too, but they are slimy.

Pedophiles APPEAR lovable, this is WHY kids are attracted to them, this is WHY you say you LOVE your dh.
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Old 07-01-2009, 12:07 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Do You Leave the One You Love?

Someone on this thread said her dh tells her to f-off when she objects to his looking at porn.

No one should tell this to a spouse, or any human being, but in particular a spouse, who cooks, cleans, cares for children...etc.

You are not a dog. I don't even speak to my dog that way. Tell your dh he speaks to you one more time like a dog and you are gone.

Some things in marriage are non-negotiable and each person in a marriage needs to keep that perfectly CLEAR.

You don't like dh watching porn: DRAW THE LINE Go let him find someone else to intimidate and pitch a fit with over his sick habit.

The sea is big and deep, ladies.
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Old 07-17-2011, 04:39 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FitHazel View Post
In addition to generally being extremely difficult to talk to, he explodes with anger anytime anything in our lives doesn't go the way he wants it to. There've been broken walls in our apartments, and broken furniture--but, although he ALWAYS blames me for everything that goes wrong, he's never actually touched me--he just yells and blames me, often telling me that I'm "ruining" his life.

As soon as the storm passes, things seem to return to normal--until something else happens...
Deejo is right about the 'irrational behavior' sounds like things will NEVER improve without some kind of treatment.

Please research / consider BPD (borderline personality disorder). Even if he does not have BPD, the advice for living with someone with who has those traits is very good.

T1 How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves
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Old 07-17-2011, 05:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Do You Leave the One You Love?

You go to therapy.
Then leaving is the only way to demonstrate compassion or if you want to call it that, love, in the broader sense.
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