How Do You Leave the One You Love?
My post is extremely long, I apologize in advance. If nothing else, typing it all out will help me get my own thoughts straight.
Thanks to all who take the time to read it.
I've been married to my husband for 6 years. There've been lots of great times and plenty of not so great ones; we've been through lots together--health issues, death of loved ones, moved from state to state 8 times.
He's got a very hot temper but he's also generally a good guy. I've loved him ever since our very first date almost 9 years ago, and still love him so much that it's hard to imagine life without him. However, shockingly enough, through the 6 years that we've been married, there hasn't been a single period of 3-4 months that's gone by without me considering to leave him.
Here's why: In addition to generally being extremely difficult to talk to, he explodes with anger anytime anything in our lives doesn't go the way he wants it to. There've been broken walls in our apartments, and broken furniture--but, although he ALWAYS blames me for everything that goes wrong, he's never actually touched me--he just yells and blames me, often telling me that I'm "ruining" his life.
As soon as the storm passes, things seem to return to normal--until something else happens. Now, mind you, it doesn't have to be anything "big"--in fact, the last thing that resulted in a blow out was when I'd shared with him that a difficult project I was working on for my boss wasn't coming along as planned. He yelled back, "Why do you feel it necessary to tell me all the negative sh*t, I don't wanna hear anything about your problems, if you're incapable of doing something, don't do it."
His temper is completely unpredictable; there are times when he'll go out of his way to help me with something (though he keeps track of all the times he's helped me, whether that be by doing something or financially, then reminds me of them whenever there's an opportunity to do so).
Another big issue for me, since the beginning, has always been his interest in other women. Now, I realize that ALL guys maintain that interest regardless of whether they're in committed relationships or not, but my husband actually OPENLY hangs out on porn sites (only Asian and 18yo "teen" porn sites, which adds to my hurt since I'm neither).
He also frequents Oriental bridal sites (the ones where you bring a bride from Asian countries) every chance he gets. He's got a major thing for Asian women (they're gorgeous, I agree)--but the thing is, it makes me feel completely inadequate because I'm not Asian (just a white, tall girl of a medium build--basically, the opposite of a petite Asian frame).
I've mentioned this to him many times, he just gets mad when I do and says, "I'm married to YOU, so what's the problem?" At one point, he stopped visiting these sites in front of me and did it when I wasn't around--I'd find "tiny Asian teen gets nude" sites it in history later.
Now, I know he wouldn't cheat on me--he's not the type to do that, he's extremely honest, and he always tells me that he loves me and wants to spend our lives together...but it's all still hurtful!
Lastly, one other thing that's always bothered me about him, is the fact that he despises his job and has basically put all pressure on ME to succeed in my career and business so that he can quit his job and start working for my new company.
This would all be fine if it weren't for a couple of problems: First off, he absolutely flips out at me (calling me names, telling me that I'll never amount to anything) anytime there's even a tiny setback in either my job or my business (because he feels as though his future depends on the outcome of mine).
Secondly, it's hard for me to live with a man knowing that I can't count on him for support. I mean, I'd like to have a kid...a family with a man whose shoulder I can lean on, but with him, I feel as though *I* am the one carrying the world on my shoulders.
I'm afraid to come to him with any problems or talk to him about anything at all because I'll just never know how he'll react, and I can't take his temper.
Besides all this, I feel like there are some fundamental differences in the way we view life. Family is more important to me than anything in this world. To him, MONEY plays that role--and he admits it. I often feel as though he's only with me because he's hoping that I succeed in all of my ventures, making him rich!
Meanwhile, I just want a carrying husband (which he CAN be, just not predictably and dependably), a kid (I'm 27--not getting any younger), and a stable family environment. He's 37, I really don't think there's anything in him that will change at this point!
Now, our current apartment lease is coming to an end in the beginning of July, so I've finally gotten brave enough to start packing some boxes and buy a ticket, in hopes of moving back in with my parents (other side of the country). I haven't said anything to him yet because I know that if I do, he'll absolutely flip out and just tell me to get out asap (which I can't do because I have to wait until the end of the month to turn in my leased car).
Every moment of every day, since buying my ticket, I wonder whether I'm making the right decision in leaving the man I LOVE with all my heart. I can't stop crying every time I remember the fact that once I'm gone, I won't see him anymore.
Yet there are so many times when I'm utterly unhappy and hurt by all the things he does! I tried reasoning with him, putting up with it all, ignoring it all...tried it all for 6 years, and nothing's changed.
Then I start telling myself that it could be worse--he could be cheating on me or hitting me, which he hasn't done...so what am I complaining about?! Then I remember all of the points I've summarized here, and try to convince myself that I'm making the right decision in leaving.
I JUST DON'T KNOW for sure. This is the problem.
If any of you have any words of encouragement (or otherwise), please, please share your thoughts with me.
Thanks; God Bless you all!