Hello, over 15 yrs of marriage, few happy ones
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » Hello, over 15 yrs of marriage, few happy ones

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 11-19-2012, 06:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 11
Default Hello, over 15 yrs of marriage, few happy ones

This feels weird. First post spilling personal information to a bunch of strangers. This internet thing is dandy.

Given we've been together since 1991, I run the risk of digging up too much. Perhaps it's better to wait for questions or see where this thread goes.

Why am I posting? From my point of view, my wife is mildly depressed and thoroughly unmotivated towards anything that is productive. We don’t' disagree. About the only part we disagree on is whether or not it should be brought up.

Primary example: We both say we want children. She is 100+ lbs over weight and has inconsistent cycles and low estrogen(?). She has been told by the gyn that any amount of weight loss would help for that. That was 5 years ago. No loss.

For the first 6 yrs. it was me, worried about not succeeding in career that was putting the kibosh on kids. You would have thought looking back to those days, that she would do anything to have them. Now I suspect it was easier on her for me to be the cause.

She takes 4 weeks to pick out a comforter, 3 years to go from paint samples on the wall to actually painting one room. I was there to help whenever she was ready. And we knocked in out in 2 days, finally. She was taking so long to pick out an armoire for a desktop that’s in a room she hardly uses, that I finally said 2 weeks or I pick one.

She hardly reads anymore. She has no hobby other than TV watching and going out to eat with me. She has always worked outside the home in clerical or restaurant. She stays at entry level but does a good job and is very loyal. She is close to her sister (downs syndrome) who lives with her mom 3 hours away.

We visit my dad and her family 5 times a year. And she'll go a couple extra times. That's not a big deal but I note it because my wife fills the role of helper much better than partner. I used to really suck as a boyfriend but have always showered her with attention and sporadic support. Now, over the last 6 yrs., I think I've turned into a pretty decent husband.

If I had to sum up the mistake it would be that I fell in love during the worst times in my life. The person who loves you when you suck may not be the one best suited to thrive with when you get your act together.

Back to the children. I want to have some ultimatum/limit. Aside from the aforementioned working outside the home, she is lazy. She vacuums / dusts once a month. She cleans her bathroom once every two months. She does empty the dishwasher regularly. Otherwise, I do it all. I’m no neat freak and not Mr. Hardworker by any means. I do all the laundry, most of the cooking, every outdoor job, bill paying, communication with outsider contractors, essentially everything other than what I listed for her. And you know what? I'm ok with that, basically. If she were happy and motivated to at least get her butt in gear towards those things she says she wants.

I had 8 years unhappy at a job. Lol. And that was after watching "Office Space". I regret of course not getting out of there sooner. It was my first real career type job. I under-estimated my inability to deal with the pressure of "being the bread winner”. See above where was hesitant to bring children into the world.

This got way to long.
I am sad about my marriage, while feeling better about myself these days. I thought I had more power over the wife’s motivation (duh). It seemed I got the blame for bad moods back then, at least.

What is my question?
hmm.

I am "against" divorce. I believe in the before God and death do us part. But I am also against having no hope of a happy partnership.
We tried counseling.
RollDamnTide is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-19-2012, 09:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 78
Default Re: Hello, over 15 yrs of marriage, few happy ones

Before considering children... if she's 100+ lbs overweight, isn't her health itself in danger? Have you sat down with her and talk about her issue?
Posted via Mobile Device
stilllookingup is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-19-2012, 09:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
SlowlyGettingWiser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: On the cusp of something great!
Posts: 1,236
Default Re: Hello, over 15 yrs of marriage, few happy ones

Quote:
I am "against" divorce. I believe in the before God and death do us part. But I am also against having no hope of a happy partnership.
Sorry, Tide, but you CAN'T have it BOTH WAYS. You either believe in/accept divorce as a sometimes necessary fact of life, or you don't. Of course you're "against" divorce...EVERYBODY is! It's NOBODY'S first choice.

You can't be hypocritical about it: you're against divorce (except when YOU'RE unhappy). It's like women who are against abortion (but they'll make an exception for THEIR teenage daughter). Or people who are against guns/hunting, but accept someone's gift of venison. Decide WHAT EXACTLY you stand for; and what you don't.

Once you're clear in your OWN mind, you'll have a better idea of what you ought to do.

Right now, you're saddled with a wife who is:
  • Overweight and doing nothing to improve her health (5+ years)
  • Lazy and poor housekeeper
  • Indecisive
  • Underachieving
  • Undereducated/limited job skills and not interested in improving them
  • Uninterested in having children/creating a family with you
  • Not pulling her weight as an equal partner
  • Uninterested in life (except tv, eating & visiting her family)
  • Probably depressed and unmedicated
I have to ask, were ALL (or MOST) of these things TRUE ABOUT HER back when she was your girlfriend and you were a self-admitted sucky-boyfriend. Was she BETTER then than she is now, or has she just always been this negative and you were such a mess you didn't notice or didn't care?
SlowlyGettingWiser is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-20-2012, 02:00 AM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 11
Default Re: Hello, over 15 yrs of marriage, few happy ones

Quote:
Originally Posted by stilllookingup View Post
Before considering children... if she's 100+ lbs overweight, isn't her health itself in danger? Have you sat down with her and talk about her issue?
Posted via Mobile Device
thank you for your reply. It's nice to have concerned folks.

I don't have room to talk, except I have been exercising for 3 years and weight lifting to affect a body composition change. In other words, I need to lose some fat as well but am up and moving regularly. She does go to the doc regularly and so far her blood, pressure and lipids come back ok. It amazes me, honestly. I'm 9" taller and 25 lbs more, to give you an idea.
In short, yes, she knows I care about her health and she knows its not good for her. It's not rational behavior.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
You can't be hypocritical about it: you're against divorce (except when YOU'RE unhappy). [...] Decide WHAT EXACTLY you stand for; and what you don't.

[...]
I have to ask, were ALL (or MOST) of these things TRUE ABOUT HER back when she was your girlfriend and you were a self-admitted sucky-boyfriend. Was she BETTER then than she is now, or has she just always been this negative and you were such a mess you didn't notice or didn't care?

darn you for making me admit this.
I used the Quotes on "against" precisely to make the point, as you note, of course we are all against it. After 17 years, I tend to believe, I've stuck it out longer than most would've. On the other hand, my patience is more limited than I had hoped.

As far as when we first met, the dynamic was vastly different.

I have to keep editting this because it gets too long.
If I play self counseler, I'll say she regrets letting me treat her like I did back then on one hand. On the other hand, she does not feel worthy of the life she has now.
She's perfect as a friend when you are bummed out. I fell in love with her when I was not happy. She just never turned the corner with me.

I left out that she is sick so often. She does work in a pediatrician office. But along with bad chest colds 4 to 5 times a year, she also has, rosacia, reflux, and now ibs, apparently. She's been taking prenatal vitamins for 6 years. Just thought I'd theow that in there.

Her mother and father are hard workers.

Now, if you take my marriage one day at a time. I'd say, we get along as long as I avoid expressing myself regarding her lack of ambition etc. We laugh often togther. We have similr beliefs and values, notwithstanding the obvious. I tuck her in every night. Every morning, she kisses me good bye, as I get to sleep in an extra hour. I can't imagine not having her in my life.

I'll cut myself off there

thank you very much for reading and responding.

ETA:
She was a 135 ish when we met. Size 9, 5' 6".
She lived at home and was a B student with some A's. Taking some college prep level courses, but struggling in geometry. So, no genius, but not a major slacker. Young and shy. Very pretty and reserved and innocent. Ever since I've known her, being a mother was a high priority. Over time her skin got thicker and then she learned to fight back. At least with me. She still won't express herself to much with others.

Last edited by RollDamnTide; 11-20-2012 at 02:07 AM.
RollDamnTide is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-21-2012, 03:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 119
Default Re: Hello, over 15 yrs of marriage, few happy ones

God wants you to he happy and to live your life being true to yourself. You cannot give of your best to others if you are not striving to attain your own happiness. This is not selfishness, it's respecting yourself as you would others.
Have the courage to go with your heart and allow anyone else to make you feel guilty about wanting to live a happy life.
Listen to your heart rather than applying too much 'logical thinking' - you will know the right answer.
LiamN is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A sexless marriage is NOT a happy marriage Adex Sex in Marriage 73 01-09-2014 07:40 AM
Happy Marriage, but..... hrtnsoul General Relationship Discussion 3 01-28-2010 10:55 AM
happy marriage, but..... hrtnsoul Coping with Infidelity 4 01-22-2010 04:47 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:43 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.