I just got married 6 months ago. Things weren't perfect before and we did try to get some help one time. This psychologist seemed to feel that I was right to be upset about 85% of what we told him. He took my side on most of our issues so she didnt want to go back.
My wife is about 8 years younger than me which puts her in her mid 20s. One of our biggest issues has to deal with friends and family. We are both family oriented, but I am probably more so. I am an only child and she has one sibling. Her family seems to have many, many issues with their parents and immediate family. Much more than normal so my wife might think it is normal to tell your family that you are busy all of the time and cant go to dinner, etc, etc. My family gets really hurt when I tell them I can't go out after asking several times. Then I am in the middle. My wife thinks it is fine, but wants me to hang out with her young sibling, who I really do like. Now I am supposed to do everything with her family and not mine. for example, go on longer vacations every year, go to the beach, bowling, and many other things. I am now wrong and everything is blamed on my parents for being upset and showing that they are upset.
Now I am on the verge of ending our marriage for these reasons as well as quite a few other small things. I can say that I need to work on telling her more often that I love her and that she is beautiful because she is . I just have trouble saying it. she always complains, but then says she knows i do because others tell her how i look at her. I am wrong there, but she likes the attention and needs soooo much. she wants the attention from others when we go out. she dresses for attention.
I dont know what to do. She is really pissed this time and is blaming everything on my parents for being upset. Now I do it back to them and tell her I can't go with them. That is when everything went crazy.
Sounds like mostly minor issues to me. I have a hard time believing these issues are enough to end a marriage over. You may consider reading "The Five Love Languages" so you and spouse are on the same page in terms of what each of you needs.
I agree with D8zed that right now these are minor issues, unless there is something else that you haven't mentioned. And you and her need to read the book The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.
But you and her need to discuss this issue and create some boundaries with respect to her family and your family. If you don't now, it will never happend and your resentment will build. But when you talk with her you can't sound demanding or launch into a tirade. You must be civil. Like, I understand you want to be with your family and I do too, but we need to spend time with my family as well. Lets work on a plan together of how we can achieve it.
Just a suggestion. Of course it is coming from someone that didn't do this within 6 months of marriage. But doing it now - the resentment will build - believe me.
There is a lot more to it, but cant get into everything. Mostly minor things like this. She feels like I am putting her after my work and my parents. This is not true, but could be due to the fact that I don't tell her I love her enough. Then she thinks I am giving atttention to everyone and everything else. she wants to possibly end this because of these small issues. we talk, but she has a pretty strong temper. it doesnt take much just like her father. She does it with everyone. Probably needs something to calm her down. yoga and tennis had worked before.
She gets angry with any female I am related to or speak to or work with. I cant know anything or even go out of my way to say hello to any female. even females that are married and wouldnt even tempt me for a second, no a milisecond. I am the most honest person and most compassionate. didnt ever do anything bad in any past relationship or this one to make her feel this way. she has trust issues. you can imagine how she feels about my relationship with my mom and even my office help who are females. TIRADE. can make her feel better maybe if i say nice things to her.
I must admit, it sounds like your wife craves a lot of attention but I think it’s somewhat normal to desire that in the beginning of a marriage. Have you ever given her any reason whatsoever not to trust you? It sounds like most of this stems from the trust issues and that is what you need to work on, really work on and in a calm manner.
What if you go ahead and spend time with your family without her? Not all of the time but once in a while when she doesn’t want to?
Two main issues pop out at me when I read your post:
A) SHE is insecure and immature.
B) YOU are an only child.
Only children tend to be the hyper-focus of parents. Hence your parents "get hurt" when you tell them no.
1. She needs to get counseling for her insecurity and low self esteem (tirades about other women you glance at and the tendency to dress for attention). This is a non-negotiable for the survival of your marriage. She needs to work on those trust issues. To help her, you need to be very sensitive to your actions around other women. You need to be absolutely TRANSPARENT in this department to build trust for her.
2. You also need to put distance between you and your parents. IMO if every newly married couple could live totally AWAY from their birth family for the first three years, more marriages would survive. You cleave to HER not your mom and dad anymore.
Never given her any reason not to trust me. everyone usually trusts me. I am trying, but she is angry at everything I do. She was able to go out with her little bro and his 2 friends to a restaurant/bar last night without me for 1 hr. She told me, but some people saw her out and called my parents. all the sudden they flipped and thought she was with a bunch of guys hanging out. they are 18-19 and she is in her mid 20s. she would never let me go there without her. we do everything together because she doesnt trust me or anyone else to do anything without her. so i went out with my parents for my fathers bday.
I have tried to go out separately in the past but she bars me from leaving the house and leaving her at home.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WantsHappiness
I must admit, it sounds like your wife craves a lot of attention but I think it’s somewhat normal to desire that in the beginning of a marriage. Have you ever given her any reason whatsoever not to trust you? It sounds like most of this stems from the trust issues and that is what you need to work on, really work on and in a calm manner.
What if you go ahead and spend time with your family without her? Not all of the time but once in a while when she doesn’t want to?
You are correct. My parents like to go to dinner weekly any day and she doesnt. We now go out only on holidays or bdays, and other functions. this is not enough. its shouldnt ever be a problem unless it got out of hand. they like to go out with both of us. a lot of times we all go out together. the problem is I cant say no to my parents when I go out to see her younger brother 1-2 x per week. I would love to do this, but it isnt fair.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandy55
Two main issues pop out at me when I read your post:
A) SHE is insecure and immature.
B) YOU are an only child.
Only children tend to be the hyper-focus of parents. Hence your parents "get hurt" when you tell them no.
1. She needs to get counseling for her insecurity and low self esteem (tirades about other women you glance at and the tendency to dress for attention). This is a non-negotiable for the survival of your marriage. She needs to work on those trust issues. To help her, you need to be very sensitive to your actions around other women. You need to be absolutely TRANSPARENT in this department to build trust for her.
2. You also need to put distance between you and your parents. IMO if every newly married couple could live totally AWAY from their birth family for the first three years, more marriages would survive. You cleave to HER not your mom and dad anymore.
Never given her any reason not to trust me. everyone usually trusts me. I am trying, but she is angry at everything I do. She was able to go out with her little bro and his 2 friends to a restaurant/bar last night without me for 1 hr. She told me, but some people saw her out and called my parents. all the sudden they flipped and thought she was with a bunch of guys hanging out. they are 18-19 and she is in her mid 20s. she would never let me go there without her. we do everything together because she doesnt trust me or anyone else to do anything without her. so i went out with my parents for my fathers bday.
I have tried to go out separately in the past but she bars me from leaving the house and leaving her at home.
First off, why are people calling your parents if they see her out without you? I understand their concern given the situation but I’d make a point of telling these people that she’s your wife and if they are concerned they should talk to you, not your parents. That will only complicate matters and make your wife feel like your parents are even more involved in your marriage.
I understand close families, my H and I are very close with his parents and frankly, so long as there is an agreeable balance and they don’t meddle I don’t see anything wrong with it but it’s a fine line and there does come a time when you have to cut the cord so to speak. You are married now and your wife comes first. Weekly dinners may be a bit much but there is no reason you both shouldn’t be able to compromise here. You seeing your family a little less, maybe once every 2-3 weeks for now, and she spending a little more time with them.
Try to make a point of complimenting her twice a day. I’ve often found that being in a good/complimenting mood around my H wears off and his mood also picks up. If you haven’t given her any reason not to trust you, it sounds to me like she has her own issues with insecurity and trust that she absolutely MUST to deal with. Sooner rather than later because this is only going to fester. What if you recommend a different counselor so that you both have a fresh slate with no history of anyone being blamed? Would she be open to this?
Put the thought of splitting up out of your mind. It’s only been six months, some marriages go through periods of bad years. Focus on doing whatever it takes to make this work if that is truly what you want.
These do sound like issues that can be fixed. Its so common for family to interfere and cause problems with the marriage. People have troubles understanding that when they marry they are to leave their family and make a new life with their spouse. That does not mean ignore them and not have a relationship, but the spouse needs to come first in most cases.
If she is willing to attend counseling I would go that route. She is young and probably unsure of exactly what marriage should be, counseling will help teach her that.
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