If you have read my threads below, I am currently separated, week 8 from my wife. Currently I am staying with a very close friend who is also going through a divorce. He's going through a lot of stress like I am, and his way of coping with it is excessively drinking and bonding a new romantic relationship. I really don't have a lot of money to even start renting (as I just started my new job about a month ago) and he's really the only person I can stay with, as his house resides very close to my work. Am I just asking for my marriage to fail by staying with this guy?
Any advice is welcome and appreciated. Thanks all!
You aren't asking for your marriage to fail by staying there as long as you don't do the same destructive things he is doing to himself.
I've read your posts. As someone said there is no easy answer to how long. Try practicing agape love with her. That means loving her unconditionally (with some limits - I'm not talking being a door mat) without any expectations of anything in return. Placing a limit on it is not demanding but letting her know how you feel. I know her discussions with this ex bf get to you. All you can do is tell her how you feel about it without demanding she cease all communication. When you do that you look controlling and overly jealous. Not expecting anything in return means if you send her an e-mail - don't expect one back. If you smile at her, don't expect one back, etc.
In the mean time you keep working on yourself and make yourself happy about who you are. Keep your distance from her while doing this. The agape love aspect, has helped me minimize the emotional roller coaster. And heck makes me feel better.
The only "destructive" thing that he's really doing is going out for drinks a lot. He wants to go out a lot to relieve stress so we'll go out for drinks and talk about how he's feeling and how I'm feeling.
Asking her to cease communication does seem controlling and overly jealous, but it's one of those "online romances" that makes me very uncomfortable. It's hard to not expect something back from her when she's been so stubborn lately. I asked her yesterday about couples counselling and she said she doesn't want to go. But three weeks ago she said that she wanted to and at that time I wasn't sure.
She's been having heart complications and she said that she's scared of me when I call because she feels like she just gets an emotional beat down, but it always seems like she's guilting me when all I'm trying to do is try to sort things out.
I know where you are at. I was emotionally withdrawing from my w and being a "mope" without realizing it over the last year due to a variety of reasons I've talked about on here previously. When she finally hit me with the proverbial two by four and I awoke and finally heard her, it seemed her wall went up. Then she started texting and calling someone she worked with a lot all the time. And I was livid. Tore me apart at times.
But I didn't demand and just told her that I didn't like it nor did I think it was appropriate. I wasn't demanding or anything like that.
Since then we have gone to counseling together. We have together sessions and individual sessions. During my sessions I brought up the topic and how I approached it and she said I did it the right way. I said, but it is eating me alive thinking about it. She did say that it was inapproriate but said you have to stop thinking about it and just improve yourself and you will remove him by doing that.
That is where I really started dwelling on agape love which Amplexor, a moderator on here had given a link to the five types of love and defined agape as:
Agape: Many have heard me speak of agape love in several posts over the last year. Agape love is of particular significance to marriages in troubled waters, especially if one partner has disconnected. To love agapely is to love your spouse completely, love them wholly, but expect nothing in return from them at the current time. Agape love is different from eros love in that it is not sexual, nor romantic in nature. Its nature is that of self sacrifice but is not unconditional. You can love your spouse completely and still have boundaries and maintain your self respect. Agape love is also different from the other kinds of love in that you can choose it. You can elect to love your spouse this way because it is what is best for your family and marriage. It is a giving of yourself for the betterment of the marriage. Agape love can help you to “protect” yourself emotionally during difficult times as you love your spouse but expect nothing in return. Many I talk to have difficulty in trying to apply this type of love but if the marriage is in trouble and the detached spouse still cares for you but is in danger of leaving agape love can do wonders both for you and the marriage.
So that is agape love. By the way, the topic of this guy must have come up in her sessions because my w asked me to watch our son one evening because she had to go have a talk with him about boundaries and limits and that the counselor told her what to say even. I was astounded by that. But it sure made me feel good.
Also try the book Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman, explains love on an emotional level and how two people need to communicate their love differently to different people. But first you have to understand what her primary language is so that she hears you love her. As it turns out if you aren't doing that its like speaking in French or Chineese to someone who doesn't know the language.
Thanks! Just picked up the book at Borders.. seems like a good read. I was flipping through pages and I saw that there were 5 types 1)Affirmation 2)Physical 3)Service 4)Quality time 5)Receiving gifts...
I think that she's the type that's the service type, but I'm clueless as to how I should do things for her when we're separated???
Read the book and take the test at the end. I devoured the book in 6 hours. From there you have to just pick your moments. I know you posted another thread about being served papers next Wednesday. You both need to take a breather. Anything that happens now is out of pure emotion, which is never good. People throw away great things when that happens.
Back off, let her do her thing. Go no connect. Or as it abbreviated on this board NC. Just minimal. Work on you. That is the most important thing right now. Its tough to do, but needed.
I can understand how you're stuck right now....its hard enough to afford a place when you're married; even harder when you're separated.
I don't think living with this guy will doom your relationship. You two are different people. If you want to make this work, commit to it. Chose not to even allow your thoughts to go down that road....its hard but with self control you can do it.
I strongly suggest counseling for you as well. Its not a sign of weakness to attend therapy, actually its a sign of maturity. You're willing to do whatever you can to make this relationship work, that includes finding some things you can change and healing from the hurt this separation has caused.
Good or Bad Situation
