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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 11-29-2012, 10:04 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Didn't ever expect to post here

Sorry for the lengthy past story but I feel it's needed. My wife and I met while I was in the military. She was 18 and I was 23. We dated for 3 1/2 months and at that point I had already begun searching for an engagement ring. Soon after she told me that she was pregnant and without even thinking about it for a single second I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I know this all seems incredibly short term, but we did love each other and this is where we both wanted to be. I ended up getting injured then later medically discharged. We then moved across the country to where I was from because there really wasn't much of an opportunity for her and I to grow as a family there nor for our son.

We were happy. Adapting to our new life and were on the same page about our future, our goals, and our plans. We did argue from time to time, but there has never been a physical altercation or even name calling between us. We eventually had another son and our marriage continued to flourish.
She has never been good at communicating with me and has always resorted to "drinking down" emotions or just holding them in until a boiling point is reached. Me on the other hand would rather talk out our problems if they are enough to bother us. I have always held to my father's advice of never going to bed angry.

At our 5 year point I had been laid off 5 times in 6 months once the economy took a turn and had a low feeling of self worth. I felt at the time that I was failing my family for this and was questioning if I was the best option for them. I actually considered the possibility of them being on their own so that I couldn't bring them down any further. At the same time she was talking about having another child and even renewing our vows. I was stressed and used the excuse of waiting until our 10 year anniversary to renew and to wait until finances and life was at a better point to consider having another baby.
Her father had the presented the opportunity for me to move back across the country and work for almost 4 times my hourly wages I had been earning with the idea that our family would move there shortly after we could afford it. This is exactly what we did. My time apart from her and my boys was one of the toughest experiences I had gone through but I knew it was for the best. This brought a moment of clarity to me, I wasn't falling out of love with her I was willing to give everything to make their lives the best I possibly could and that my love had grown from the initial lusting, warm fuzzy feelings to something that was far greater. Once we moved everyone back I explained to her how I felt and how grateful I truly was.

Work eventually dried up and we did move back to where I was from. She felt that going back home made her realize that it wasn't as great there as she had hoped and actually preferred we move away. Within a week her and I both had very good paying jobs and for the first time our plans were actually coming to fruition.

I had shoulder surgery in January through the VA and they basically restricted me from ever working any manual labor jobs for the remainder of my life. So now I am using my benefits to go to school full time and have now become the "house husband." I clean the kitchen in its entirety, vacuum the house, bathrooms, yard work, I cook 99.9% of all meals, as well as half the laundry. She now works full-time almost an hour away at the same job that is incredibly stressful on her. She also is within 4 months from finishing her bachelor's that she has been working on for the last several years.

Which brings us to current events... A few weeks ago she went out with friends, which due to both of us being at fault, doesn't happen often. She cancelled plans afterwords with me and stay away. Wouldn't call to tell me just kept saying I will call you in a little bit...4 hours passed and nothing. Just texts saying she'd call in a bit. I was worried, she does have a drinking problem and I've always been there to take care of her for it. The next day our boys were wondering where she was as we had plans to do something together. When she came home she was acting guilty and ashamed. I was upset and I told her so, I felt disappointed that the one time we do try to make a romantic night with the two of us, there always seems to be something that she allows to change it. A week later, she told me she loved me and cared about me, but was no longer in love with me. She doesn't want to talk to someone, she doesn't want to try to fix anything, she just said she wanted a divorce.
After talking she admitted to being emotionally checked out form us and has checked in with her friends, one of which is a guy who she admits is fun, but is not worth getting involved with due to knowing what kind of an impact he could bring to our kids and that he has a lot of issues. She said she just wants to be alone, and thinks she is just cold hearted and wants to be single.

I talked to our pastor and she basically told me to give her space and allow her and I to reflect upon ourselves. My wife agreed that with Christmas being here and our sons being 5 and 7 that we didn't want them associating divorce and loss with the holidays we were going to make things seem fine for them while they are awake. Her and I however were not going to talk about us, because when I do she feels guilty and worse about the situation.

I have no other choice at this point than to let her have her space. My problem is that when I see her, I do want to hold her, hug her, and tell her how I feel about her. But I do want her to see what I see in her, and I sincerely hope that space can do that. We live under the same roof, and financially can't afford any other arrangements. I have cleaned out the spare room so I can at least sleep there. I'm not sure if I should continue doing all the household chores and cooking for her. Her main responsibility in the house was to help with laundry and assign bill payments.

One of our big issues has been she will watch shows that I'm not interested in and will text her friends so I try to find something else to do which ends up me being in the spare room on the computer. This has in itself been the root of many arguments. With me giving her space, how is this any different, and how will this do anything besides push her further away.

We have been married for 7 1/2 years, and I do love her. I still feel that she is amazing and has so much potential but at this point in time she has such a horrible sense of self its a struggle to see her be this way. I've told her that the only decision I have ever made in my life that I have never regretted was to marry her.

I feel as though she has this daily list of "life" chores made up of work, school, children, herself, then me...when she's stress or depressed I'm the easiest thing to erase.
I know a lot of babble, but at this point, sleeping and eating aren't happening for me and all I have is my thoughts.
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Also, my pastor said that I have every right to contact the guy who she is in an EA with. But I would have to be ready for the reactions. I have a solid idea as to what they would be, but still feel the need to ask him to at the very least back off.
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:58 PM   #3 (permalink)
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There are a number of issues there, but you must start with her drinking. It was mentioned too many times in your post for it to be comfortable. It's a definite problem for her and eventually it would behoove her to be a teetotaller. Things are said under the influence of alcohol that are both regretful and painfully brutal. You have to separate yourself and eventually your spouse from the things said and done in drunkenness. But that's important.

It sounds like you've got a good thing going but somewhere along the line the priorities got muddled up and have lost the importance of each other in this relationship. Communication is key, even with the excuse that 'she's never been a good communicator'. You're both going to have to learn to communicate effectively with one another.

Once these are addressed, the SO will have to be dealt with in a definitive yet calm and appropriate way. Godspeed with all that.
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Old 11-30-2012, 01:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Well, I agreed to give her space. We're not going to pursue or act on anything this month due to the holidays and our sons birthday. We both agree that we don't want our kids to be forever correlating our situation with this season or birthdays.

She has pretty much though put me in a bad spot where if I were to make a comment or bring up a question about us or counselling that she would pull away further and expedite the process. SO, I'm left to be cornered and virtually helpless.

Last night we actually had one of the best nights we've had in months. We just sat and bs'd while tv shows played and were joking and laughing. It was truly sincere on both parts. It was similar to the way things had been when we were both happy.

This afternoon she out of nowhere said she's going to a party with the friends the I had posted about and said she didn't plan on coming home if she had anything to drink. I agreed that was a great decision and offered, if she wanted, I could drive up and be a DD for her. We have planned to go Christmas shopping for the boys early tomorrow morning and could just grab her car on the way back. She said, we'll see. I told her to have fun, and be safe. Just let me know.

The guy she has been having the EA and possibly the PA (after some digging) will be there. Can't say that I'm excited.

This is just so confusing after the mixed signals I keep getting.
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Old 11-30-2012, 01:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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WOW, just WOW. Might as well just rent them a room. Sorry to be blunt but WOW.

She's got you right where she wants you.....
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Old 11-30-2012, 03:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Who's watching the kids? It's time for you to set some boundaries. You have got to flip this script. She's trying on a new outfit and the more you let her get away with it the less respect she has for you as a man. The fog is setting in. I would see a lawyer and let her see what Divorce papers look like. Actually, I would find away to document the alcoholism so you would keep the kids. Thats what I did. I am separated but the kids are mine.
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Old 12-01-2012, 05:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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So, she went to the party and it was an opportunity for her to talk to a couple of her friends that she trusts about what is going on and they were in shock. Most people perceive us to have an ideal relationship, to a point they said they were admittedly jealous of what we have. They both suggested the her and I talk about things and seek counseling. She said that she told them that she felt as though marrying young and always resented the fact that she had never had time to live on her own and find who she was. She feels as though she has lost herself.

She actually was talking to me about what was going on with her. She did say that her close friend that we as a family go to there home and have game nights and our kids play had been cheating on her husband for a month now with one of their work friends. It was brought up when she showed up to their party with this guy. The owner of the house went off saying she can't bring that to her house and it wasn't fair to any of them to be included in it. She began to ask how it was any different than what my wife had been doing with with the EA guy. My wife then was pissed and asked how can she compare occasional flirting to having sex all the time with another man. Needless to say her "friend" left and they all were pretty upset. Drank themselves asleep sometime this morning around 6.

She admitted to me today while I played the listening friend that she had flirted and nothing other than that had EVER happened. She said she was married and respected that and as big of a dirt bag as he may be he still respected that boundary. Not that I'm ok with it, but far worse could have been happening.

I told her it sucks that now she wants to talk once an eye opening moment happened. I spent the morning while she was gone looking at legal separation docs and fault and non-fault divorces for the state of Indiana. I explained from what I've found I can claim a fault divorce on multiple grounds and the world would be very difficult for her, the boys, and I. I don't want this. I said that I can't go into a non-fault claim either because I don't feel that we aren't irreconcilable and still think through counselling on all points would help. Legal separation and even with divorce may make us seek counselling due to what it means to the kids regardless. She has agreed to do that at the very least to show good faith to me, the boys, and the courts. I don't know much other than what I read briefly today.

I told her, I hope she finds herself and I understand we're done. She can still talk to me and I hope I can do the same. She said she felt that when I talked I was trying to sway her so she didn't want to hear it anymore. I said that's what I wanted but wasn't what I was doing. She did feel better at the end of the conversation. She said she wouldn't corner me anymore about talking and her running. I told her that if we were going through counselling she would have to try and put effort into it. That from this point on she could not flirt or do anything with the EA guy. She agreed. We'll see what happens. I'm certain now that we are ending our relationship, but I can only hope at some point her and can come to terms with who we've become and maybe fall back in love with those people.
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Old 12-03-2012, 01:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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She agreed to cease individual conversation with the EA. They work together and them coming into contact is unavoidable. She has expressed how she feels more and is admittedly happy about it. Agrees that this should have happened long ago and was the main wedge between us. We have also agreed that after the New Year we will go thru a non legal separation. In that time she is going to work on being a mother and finishing school. Also try to find herself and what she wants to be in life. We said we would wait until a few months after she graduated (April) from college to re-evaluate where things are for both of us. Then we both feel it is best that we try to date each other on a temporary basis and start from scratch to see if we both still feel things for each other with the people we have become versus who we were. She also is going to talk more about what's in her head to me and a couple other people who are good for her (friends) as well as within a month an actual counselor. Alcohol is being worked out of the picture and she agreed that she didn't need anyone or anything swaying her when she is on this mission to find herself.

Talks have been good. I obviously choose to be hopeful, but am not pretending that things may be completely done.
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Old 12-06-2012, 04:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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So today we had a meeting at the school about our youngest son and she took the day off to do that. We also went and looked at local inexpensive apartments. We found one that would be perfect for her situation. Went and got her background check and some grocery shopping then it all hit me. I'm helping leave me. She said she had been waiting for the moment where I wasn't faking being happy. I told her I haven't been faking I was trying to do what was best in the situation and the weight/stress of this is finally hitting me.
I told her I can't fully understand why she is so casual about this and how confident she is in this decision without giving any effort to try to fix things. I told her I realize I've been giving 100% to her 0 and she agreed. This is tough, so very tough.
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Old 12-06-2012, 04:58 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You keep saying EA.

She has been out for the entire nite several times and you know she was with this guy during many of those times.

Again, she was with him the entire night.

She is moving out of your home and she isn't into you anymore because this other guy is into her.

Literally into her.
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Old 12-06-2012, 05:12 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I got the root of the EA, it was only casual flirting and that has stopped. After talking to a few people, that's how he is, but she accepted the attention and gave back. Nothing happened beyond that. Several of her friends are kinda looking out for me at this point and agree she's making a mistake by basically running away. They all vouched that nothing has gone on. She says she needs to find herself because she never has been alone or on her own. I just think that she's 26 now, married, with 2 kids, it's impossible to make up time that she feels she missed out on.
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Old 12-06-2012, 05:15 PM   #12 (permalink)
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All your friends are keeping tabs on her 24/7 so they know for sure she isn't with this guy in a physical way?

That's some surveillance you got going there.
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Old 12-06-2012, 05:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by chestercopperpot View Post
I got the root of the EA, it was only casual flirting and that has stopped.

Nothing happened beyond that.

They all vouched that nothing has gone on.
How do you and her friends know this? Infidelity thrives on secrecy.
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Old 12-07-2012, 03:11 PM   #14 (permalink)
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That is true, and I cannot keep "tabs" 24/7. I do know her work schedule and how strict it is. She also carpools with our neighbor so unless she has been sneaking out without me noticing mid evening to drive an hour away to hang out with people then coming back to get ready for work, this doesn't seem plausable.
I know I may be erring on the side of being naive or hopeful, but at this point, I would much rather that than for this to be a much more incredibly messy situation.
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Old 12-09-2012, 12:17 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by chestercopperpot View Post
T
I know I may be erring on the side of being naive or hopeful, but at this point, I would much rather that than for this to be a much more incredibly messy situation.
Big time. EA my @ss; they've been getting it on since just before you got the ILYBINILWY speech. Standard script, man. No, your wife is NOT different, and yes she really WOULD do that. Once the woman is earning more and the man is a SAHD, the slide invariably begins. Very few women can maintain sexual attraction for the H for long when the husband earns little or nothing and nature hates a void. Once she cheats, it's got to be rationalized. She rationalizes partly by devaluing you and your relationship after the fact. You have a lot to learn about women, but you need to learn about the laws of sexual attraction in an LTR. Where are you on the Male Hierarchy? You've also been violating The 16 Commandments.

That pastor is less than useless, too. She's enabling your wife's affair by letting her sample OM while deciding what she wants to do with you.

So, are you down for the divorce or do you want to try to get her back, even though she's been banging this guy?
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