bjornmarriage

Hi
Well I thought I would see what others think about my situation. I have been with my wife for 14 years, married 7 years. It has been traumatic to say the least. She studied overseas in the early years and we successfully maintained a long distance relationship over a 4 year period. Then 7 years ago she came back, things were not so good, she had suffered a lot of bullying at the University where she went so she was terrified of people. Thus at the end of my studies she would not leave the house and I lost contact with all my friends either because she wouldnt go out or she didnt like them. Just before we got married, there was a week where we were fighting and she became violent, scratched me over my arms and we almost broke up. Patching things up we got married. The first year consisted of alot of fighting. My mother had gotten involved when my wife had been violent so the relationship between them wasnt good. Over years of weekly fighting, she would get angry if I tried to have any friendships or do anything social without her. She had major fights with my sister, where they didnt communicate for nearly 2 years. When we had our first child she fought with my mother again and since then has never forgiven her. Over the years, I have become a social isolate, I have no idea what it is like to go out with a bunch of mates drinking anymore. To make things worse, she is the abusive partner. Verbally and physically. When I failed an exam she destroyed what confidence I had left. When angry and violent she attacks me, being bigger than her I can usually protect myself and block her attacks. In the last 6 months she is now violent towards me infront of our 5 year old son. She hit me one day, scratching the side of my face, drew blood. For some crazy reason she has been wanting a second child, demanding it in fact. The pressure on me has been so emmense, I lost my mojo all together. Another violent episode a few weeks back, she hit me again and almost knocked me out. Now she isnt talking to me because I am unable to get her pregnant. I am not sure how to be even slightly aroused near her, my manhood shrivels up and hides, and for my sake I hope it isnt permanent.
We have a child who is the most amazing little boy, I have put up with this crazy woman for years, tried my best to get her help with her moods, anger and violence. I don't know how much longer I can stay in this misery that is called marriage. I always thought a marriage should be reasonably happy, where you may squabble about things occasionally, but not this. I have never laid a finger on her in anger, I have always been supportive in all I do for her. I have quit amazing jobs to keep her happy and now face another career disaster with her pregnancy madness.
What do I do. I just want to be happy again, I want to feel loved and respected. I don't want arguements and any violence. I want to get my mojo back and be a man again.
I can't discuss this with anyone in my family. She actually has a very nice family. How do I save my marriage??

confused_in_ca

Since you have a son you need to get out for his sake. An abusive mother can really ruin a guy from what I have seen. And you do someday want him to be in a happy relationship.

Also, someone getting bullied in University seems rather odd to me. I suspect the real source for her ways came much earlier than that. Middle school is when most kids are at their worst.

This being afraid of people sounds like controlling bs imho.

richie33

Next time she hits you have her arrested. Document everything. Try to get full custody of your son. No more children with this woman.
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Moiraine

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

I have lived through parental emotional abuse as a child. I can tell you that it's left me scarred for life. I had all kinds of mental health issues as a child as a result of seeing this abuse. I became extreme suicidal as a teenager. I didn't get better until my husband's optimism saved me from myself.

Please, for the sake of your child leave! He's already slowly starting to realize what's going on. He may be suffering extreme emotional torture that he can't verbalize to you. You are hurting him by staying. If you continue to stay in this abusive relationship, your son may very well commit suicide someday. Then it'll be too late

It's too late to save your wife. But you can at least save your son and give him the happy and abusive free childhood that he deserves.

caladan

Whatever you do, no more children.

You also need to ask yourself what made you settle for this sort of relationship. It's weird, you appear to be encouraging her to abuse and mistreat you.

Uptown

Bjorn (aka, Bear), welcome to the TAM forum. Perhaps your W does have "some form of PTSD," as you say. That is not what you are describing, however. Rather, the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, threats of self harm, temper tantrums, always being "The Victim," blame-shifting, inability to trust, and very controlling behavior -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Moreover, the physical abuse is known to be strongly associated with BPD. A 1994 study of spouse batterers, for example, found that half of the batterers had full-blown BPD and most of the rest had another type of personality disorder.

Because BPD can be passed on to the children (through genetics and/or emotional abuse), I suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and your son are dealing with. You can ask him what the chances are she will pass her issues on to your son. Typically, BPD traits do not appear at a strong level until the early teens.

I also suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read about BPD traits so you will know how to spot the red flags. Although you will not be able to make a diagnosis (only professionals can do that), spotting the warning signs is not difficult. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and threats of self harm.

An easy place to start reading is my brief overview of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to excellent online resources. One such resource is the "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD" forum at BPDfamily.com. Take care, Bjorn.