I need help to figure out if he's really emotionally abusive. I've been reading articles online, and they all say that he is. And yet somehow, I find myself thinking that all these articles and quizzes are put together by bitter lonely women who want everyone to be alone. I swear to God, I'm doing everything I can to convince myself that it's not true. I have to, as a defense mechanism, AT LEAST believe that if he's abusing me this way, he doesn't realize it. If he did this to me on purpose, I swear I may have to kill myself.
I'm afraid because I want to print all the articles and quizzes and show them to him and say, "See this? Did you know about this? Do you see what you're doing?" and I'm so afraid of him twisting it around, like I'm bad for even looking that stuff up. I'm afraid he'll say, "Here we go again with the 'poor me' ****. I'm not listening to any of this! You can come talk to me when you can be rational."
I asked him to move out, but he won't leave. He doesn't have any money. I have been trying to find a place to move to in secret, but I can't find anything, and I live in the armpit of the nation where there is NOTHING available. And you know what? While I'm looking for a way to get away from him, my strength is waning. I'm starting to get those thoughts that it would just be easier to go back to how it was and try really hard to not do anything wrong.
I think I really need help. I was thinking about making a doctor's appointment to get some chantix (innocent enough, although he does NOT want me to quit smoking) and then I could tell the doc that I need help. Can I do that? I just wish somebody could pick me up and set me down in another world, one where I feel loved and comfortable.
It's hard to know without more detail. I think talking to your doctor is a start. Call a hotline for support and/or advice; even if there is no women's shelter or facility where you are, you can probably connect with a free support line and get ideas/suggestions/advice. Can you talk to a minister?
You don't say if children are involved and that's important for anyone to know before giving more recommendations. Talking doesn't change anything, but to get ideas on how to change things, you'll need to give more details.
I have kids, they are not staying with me right now. They'll be home in the fall for school. I want to have this resolved by then. There was an altercation this weekend and he threatened to leave me, you know, "We're DONE! I'm THROUGH with you!" and then slams the door and leaves without telling me where he's going. Well, I did call a domestic abuse hotline. And they said he's an emotional abuser. Everything from telling what kind of underwear I'm allowed to leave the house in (and refusing to let me leave if they aren't right) to pushing and shoving, to simply not ever listening to me, to making it easier in the long run to just NOT SEE my friends or family because it isn't worth the fight with HIM.
I know I can't deny it. He's emotionally abusive. But I really need to know, is he really doing this on purpose? Do emotional abusers REALIZE what they're doing? My God, if he's been doing this to me on purpose all these years I don't know what I'll do.
But I am afraid to talk to him about it.
If you are afraid, then get out first and get to a point where you feel safe, emotionally and physically.
He does not necessarily "know" he's emotionally abusive--but that is irrelevant. He knows he can control you, and he does. He will turn it back on you, no matter what you say--you will not find it worth talking with him unless you are ready and willing to leave and thus make him realize he MUST change if he wants to keep you and the marriage. You have to make it clear that change on his part is non-negotiable; this is such an unhealthy environment for you and the kids. And then you have to be vigilant not to slide into old patterns.
I don't know if emotional abusers can change. Men prone to physical abuse are treated if convicted but I honestly have no idea if the treatment works. Maybe someone else has ideas on that or you can look online. And please don't act based only on the feedback you get here; talk to real professionals before taking action. We aren't there, we can't assess your overall situation, etc. Keep calling that hotline!
I've been struggling with the same questions about my husband. Here are some resources I've found in recent days that may be helpful to you...
The Verbally Abusive Relationship-- book by Patricia Evans
www dot dailystrength dot com -- search for the forum on physical and verbal abuse. Lots of discussion here (although the members tend to say that anything is abuse, so it can be more confusing)
It's hard to know without more detail. I think talking to your doctor is a start. yes!Call a hotline for support and/or advice; um, maybe not, read below for my experience.even if there is no women's shelter or facility where you are, you can probably connect with a free support line and get ideas/suggestions/advice. know who's manning those support lines? professionals? highly doubtful. i spent a few evenings answering phones for a local crisis hotline. you'd ber surprised at how much "hating" goes on.
You don't say if children are involved and that's important for anyone to know before giving more recommendations. Talking doesn't change anything, but to get ideas on how to change things, you'll need to give more details.
I talked to him last night again about how I think he should leave. He won't leave. That's pretty clear. We talked about things that happened in the past and he found a way to make everything seem really insignificant. Like they didn't matter because it was a long time ago. But doesn't that just show that it's been going on a long time? I mean, he said, "I'd never stop you from doing any of that stuff now, I'm not an a** hole!"
But here's the thing: I don't even TRY to do any of 'that stuff' now, like going out for drinks with friends (I pretty much have no friends any more) or going out to lunch with a group of co-workers if there were any men going, or wearing thong underwear to work, or mentioning AT ALL that I think his behavior might be abusive. It doesn't mean that he's gotten better, it means he's got me trained, right? I don't know. I think what I'm going to do is call my doctor, go there under the premise of getting a chantix prescription, and then once I get in there, asking about this whole 'emotional abuse' thing and whether or not all the effects of it are for real, whether I'm experiencing after-effects of it, and what I can do about it. I can't do this alone and I need someone objective. That's why I'm all over the internet trying to get opinions. I cannot tell you people what it means to me even to have you listen and read this stuff. Maybe my doctor will refer me to a counselor. I've talked to him about me going into counseling before, and he doesn't want me to. But maybe if my doctor says I need it, I don't know. What do you guys think? I worry that the hotline workers aren't objective, and then I KNOW he's not objective. I just feel crazy.
First, you ARE being emotionally abused. Don't doubt it for one minute. YOU ARE. My wife, who's controlling and dominating, says the same thing about events she thinks are insignificant - "that was so long ago, why can't you get over it. You're too sensitive".
I am betting your doctor will refer you to a mental health professional. If he/she doesn't, then look for one yourself. You need an exit plan and a therapist can help you.
But it's up to *YOU* to take action. Please don't fall back into the "go back to the way things were" trap. Believe me, I do this myself even though I know in my heart it's not the right thing to do.
I am really afraid that I'll see a counselor and there really WILL be something wrong with me. I really FEEL like there's something wrong with me. I have the number to the doctor's office up on my screen in another tab and I'm going to call. I'm nervous because it isn't my regular doctor. We moved to this town about three years ago (about sixty miles from my family..) I'm just a wreck.
D8zed, you can tell me 'not to doubt' that I'm being emotionally abused but as each day goes by that he won't leave.. I don't know. Like last night he acted all CONCERNED because of me, like I DO have mental problems, like I'm clinically depressed and he's so CONCERNED about that. And I don't dare say that I'm depressed as a result of the way he treats me. I can't say that to him. I have to SIT THERE and act to him like I know this is all my fault. And then I start to believe it. I read that whole website 'www.yourenotcrazy.com' and I did the little 'spot the abuse' exercise and I absolutely COULD NOT spot the abuse. Even after they 'revealed' the abuse in the conversation and explained it, I couldn't understand. SO I'm sitting there with him last night while he acts all holier-than-though and like nothing is his fault, ACTIVELY blaming myself for everything because if I try to blame him, it will backfire, be my fault anyway, and become VERY unpleasant very fast. And inside my head, I'm thinking back to the website. I'm trying to pinpoint the denial, minimalising, the countering, the blocking. I mean, I DID read the website. But I couldn't put my finger on anything, and I ended up really feeling like this all might be my fault. I keep thinking that either I'm really not being emotionally abused, or I must be a really bad case. I dunno. I should call the doc now.
Hey, I've been called a pyscho sociopath and a narcissist, along with being told by my wife that I have mental problems. I've been in my marriage for 23+ years and I didn't know what 'normal' was anymore. I've also been told that I'm responsible for 80-90% of the downfall of our marriage.
Over the 23 years, I often expressed my hurt over an action or some words directed at me. In most cases, it was always me misinterpreting or misrepresenting what happened. Soon, I started to doubt my own feelings.
In the past 6 months, I decided to wake up. I decided MY feelings were just that - MY FEELINGS. I started to not care what the "intent" of the action was, I concentrated more of what the impact was - Hurt. No one knows what my feelings are except ME.
The counselor also did a great job helping me to realize it's okay to have feelings. Before, I always felt my feelings were minimized by my spouse.
Stay strong, confident, and see a counselor. It will help.
I made an appt. Sorry if I sound irrational. I'm sure I do. But this is the only place I can even talk about this and sorry, but I go a little nuts.
So the emotional abuse, I still haven't given examples. Well, it's HARD to give examples of emotional abuse. What I can tell you is this:
I used to have friends, but he didn't like them and would really give me the third degree if I hung out with them. He would put them down, call them names, and finally it got to the point where he forbade be to go to lunch with my best friend any more. So now the only friends I have are his friends and I have little to no contact with them unless he is around.
I used to like to hang out with my brothers. But they didn't get along with him, and they would get angry at me for staying with him, siding with him. And then one by one, my brothers had major falling-outs with him and now I don't see them at all.
I used to like to build things. I used to like to use power tools and had plenty of knowledge how to use them, how to paint, how to make things. But after I got with hubby, all that changed. Every tool I used, I used it wrong. Everything I did, he had reasons why it wasn't right and he should do it. Now I feel like I can barely turn a screwdriver.
I used to have pride in my work. I have worked HARD to get where I am (I am the main breadwinner) and have significantly increased my income over the past four years, even with the recession. But when I get home and want to talk about my day, he refuses to listen. He absolutely does not care and tells me so.
However, he talks about himself all the time. If I have to listen to him say, "My arms look big, don't they?" or "I'm getting a good tan, huh?" ever again I may scream. And if I don't agree with him heartily enough, I'm an a** hole.
And if he DOES act nice to me, I have to be appropriately grateful or it will cause a huge fight. How I actually FEEL has nothing to do with anything. For example, if he cleans the kitchen I'm expected to kiss his a** for around a week. Well, I don't want to. I don't get my a** kissed for cleaning the kitchen! But if I don't, I'm an ingrate and he keeps bringing up how he cleaned the kitchen and I should be happy about it. Ugh, what's the point?
Time to end it? 
