I am 32 years old and I have been married for three years. My husband has cheated, is cheating and after a heated arguement in aug 2012 he walked out. I have a 7 year old from a previous relationahip, a 2 yr old with my husband and now I am 8 months pregnant. He has gotten caught over and over again yet nothing changes. I am christian and have tried to love him past the infidelity but with each new chance comes more heartache. I want to leave him because I feel as if he has becoming increasingly comfortable with cheating and knowing that I won't leave. I don't like him, I find myself walking on pins and needles when he visits. We still sleep together because I don't want to sleep with anyone else especially while married but he sees it as my weakness and thinks I will always be there at his discretion. I have had it and I am tired of the ongoing pain and hurt. He doesn't support my dreams but expects me to back his every wish, dream or idea. I feel like I have lost my self in this marriage. I look in the mirror and cry cause I see my life fading away. Yeah I could stay for the kids but is this the legacy of love that I want to hand down to my kids? How can I continue to love someone that doesn't love me? Isn't that the same as me hating myself? Just to tired
It is tough, Taintedspirit, but YOU WILL survive this! You must! You need to do it for YOU and for your children.
Being a Christian does NOT mean you have to put up with abuse. And make no mistake about it, you ARE being emotionally abused. Your H cheats, doesn't care, and has NO INTENTION of stopping.
You're right *THIS* is NOT teaching your children what a loving, Christian home and marriage looks like. This is NOT teaching your children how adults, how Christians, how married people TREAT each other. YOUR JOB is to teach them better!
1.) Cry it out if you must, then pull up your big-girl panties! You're a mom, a competent woman and an adult who does NOT allow ANYONE to cr*p all over HER, her marriage, her children, her life.
2.) STOP sleeping with him IMMEDIATELY. HE just had his LAST SEX with you FOREVER. Hope he enjoyed it because NOW, it should be JUST A MEMORY.
3.) THIS WEEK get yourself tested for STDs. No excuses! Your children NEED YOU to be healthy for them! You can't care for them if you're NOT caring for yourself.
4.) This week HIRE an attorney. If you cannot AFFORD an attorney, then call the local abused women's shelter and tell them you are 8 months pregnant, being cheated on by your husband repeatedly, concerned about YOUR health and the health of you unborn baby, and HOW CAN THEY HELP YOU and both of your children.
5.) If you cannot legally get your H out of the house or get to another shelter for yourself, then put a LOCK on the bedroom door and SLEEP LOCKED IN THERE without your H. He can sleep on the couch, or the floor, or the garage, or the basement, or the home of some cheap-azz floozy he's been screwing. Honestly, who cares WHERE he sleeps!
6.) Talk to YOUR family and see what kind of support THEY can offer you and the kids.
7.) Ask the women's shelter for a referral to a CHRISTIAN counselor if you feel you're on shaky spiritual ground by ending your marriage. If you're okay with it and feel that God will understand and approve of you looking out for yourself and your babies, then skip this step.
8.) Keep coming to TAM to talk, vent, cry, yell, celebrate, ask for advice, get the support YOU NEED from people who have BEEN in your shoes and can advise and console you.
We HONESTLY care about you and the kids, Taintedspirit, so hang tough and keep your eyes on the prize: A safe, loving, warm, honest, CHRISTIAN home to raise your little ones in and to feel safe and loved yourself!
Hang in there, and follow those steps from SlowlyGettingWiser.
My STBXH was cheating and denying it. I tried everything to make it work because I took my vows so seriously. But it didn't matter. He told me he wanted out. But looking back, I should have left him. I would never want my daughter to go through what I went through, so why was I modeling that for her?!
It won't be easy, but hold it together as best you can for your kids. They need you and they love you. I know that some days, my kids are the only things that keep me going.
Each day is a little easier, and a little better.
And we're here for you too! Venting here can really help and you'll get some great advice, and a ton of support. I know I did!
Thank you so much! I am ready to spread my wings but I know its not easy...it has been a crazy emotional 4 months so far but I know that victory is close by. I will feel even stronger when I see my new baby in a few weeks. I want to live the rest of my life happy and confident but this relationship has truly been a burden, a constant source of pain but it has also showed me that my love for my kids have saved my life when depression tried to encourage me to give up. I don't ever want to be with someone who sucks me dry emotionally/financially. I want the fun, optimistic, and loving me to come out to play!
Trust me, Taintedspirit, when you PHYSICALLY get away from this abusive, toxic relationship, you will begin to FEEL BETTER almost immediately! You really will!
You will feel stronger, more in control, hopeful for a brighter future, confident that the future MUST BE BETTER for you and the kids than what the past has been. Will there be dark days, dark hours? Yep! But there will be MUCH FEWER of them! Being IN CONTROL (especially financially) will help keep you FOCUSED, STRONG, headed in the right direction!
I KNOW, I've been in the financial mess. Let me tell you, earning my OWN money and PAYING BILLS on-time has felt SO GREAT. It is a BLESSED RELIEF. I don't even need to mention the lack of bill collectors calling my home!
Am excited for you and the kids to be starting over somewhere new in life with laughter, love and a fresh new attitude under your belts!
Hi Taintedspirit (Honey you really need a better name - there's nothing tainted about you).
I can't really add much to what SlowlyGettingWiser and other's have said except to say that you should put SGW's 8-step plan in motion right away. Come to TAM as often as you want. If you're feeling lonely we'll keep you company. If you're feeling overwhelmed we'll help you through it. The only other thing I can think of is that it might be helpful for you to read the book 'Love Must Be Tough' by James Dobson. It's written from a Christian point of view - I think you might find it helpful. Take care
I cry when I read how someone like your H could treat you and your children which so much disdain. I too don't think I can add much to what you need to do (as already suggested by SGW). However, regardless of what you believe, I am pretty sure that abuse, addiction and adultery are grounds for D even as a christian. I normally am a strong proponent of marriage, but in your case, I think you need to find as much distance from your H as you possible can. I certainly think you should not have sex with him and you may even want to be tested for STDs if you have had sex with him since he has been cheating. Some STDs can cause complications during labor and delivery. I recommend you get tested and talk with you ObGyn about this situation. Is there a support system in your church to help you?
Please take care of yourself and remember you are carrying an important life in you.
Taintedspirit, I can't really offer any advice other than to follow what SlowlyGettingWiser has written.
Reading things like this almost makes me feel ashamed to be a man sometimes.
We are not all like that, and I am sure you will find the right man for you once you have healed.
Please show your children what it means to live a good, honourable, honest and strong life by cutting this suppurating, pus filled boil of a husband out of your life.
Anytime you feel down, and no IRL friends are available please vent here, somebody is always there to listen.