My wife of "10 years" has been "unhappy for a while" and does not know what to do.. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-08-2013, 08:38 AM Thread Starter
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My wife of "10 years" has been "unhappy for a while" and does not know what to do..


Me and my wife got together about 10 years ago. We were in High School. The story on how we met is somewhat silly, but my friend at the time was "talking" to her and invited us all to the fair. At the fair, he kept trying to kiss her and I could tell she didn't want to so I told him to leave her alone. Awkwardly, she fell in love with me. Of course, we were only 14 (her) and 15 (me) at the time.

Fast forward two years, as High School sweethearts we knew we were in love. No one could keep us apart. We decided we were mature enough to be together forever so we decided to have a child.

At 15 and 16 we had our first child, a daughter, who is now 8 years old. There were definitely struggles in our lives from being teen parents, of course, this was before that was the popular thing to do. Most people said we would never make it because we started out so young..

We got married two years later once she turned 18. Mostly because her family was pushing us to get married. A little over a year later, she decided she was unhappy and she found another guy that made her happy so she asked me for a divorce.

Now, I will admit - I was not the perfect husband at the time. I was young, naive, and somewhat of a jerk to her. I didn't let her hang out with guys and I hated when she talked to them. To say I was jealous is a bit of an understatement. However, if you had seen my wife - you would know why. She is one beautiful person.

So we got a divorce. She went off with this other guy. They stayed together for about a year and she decided she wanted to try to work things out with me. During the period of our divorce, I decided to take some time and focus on me and my daughter. I knew there were things that I needed to change about myself if I was ever going to make a relationship work. I grew up more in that year than I had my entire life. Of course, I never stopped loving my wife.

We got back together at the beginning of 2009 and within 3 months she had cheated on me again. All the while, she was still talking to her ex. However, she cheated on me with a different guy. About five months later she apologized, stated she had grown up a lot, and wanted to work things out with me.

We immediately fell back in love. The sex was amazing, she was happy, I was happy, and my daughter felt ecstatic. The following year we got remarried and had our son, who is now 2 years old. Over the course of this second marriage, things have went really well. She was a stay at home mother, she took great care of our house and our kids.

However, our marriage started to feel somewhat dull. Last May, I cheated on my wife with another woman. Now, as far as we ever went was kissing but I was emotionally attached. I was able to overcome the struggle and work on my marriage. I asked forgiveness from my wife. I knew I had hurt her but she said that she loved me and she knew she wanted to be with me and that she would forgive me.

After that situation, we made an agreement that we would not get close to another member of the opposite sex because of how easily it is to "fall into that trap". Life went on good. Sex was great and we were all happy..

About 4 months ago..

She decides that she no longer wants to be a stay at home mom and so she attempted to find a job. Now, one thing I can say is that almost every time she's had a job in the past - she cheats or does something unfaithful. I don't know if it's because she gets a sense of freedom or what..

Anyway, that brings us to present day.. three months ago to be exact.

My wife starts to hang out with another family, a man and a woman. I noticed fairly quickly that she was texting this man all day - every day. I reminded her of our agreement and told her that it made me feel really uneasy and that I thought she was playing with fire. I asked her to stop, and she said she would.

Two days later she was at it again. Regardless of my feelings, she refused to slow down. Over the course of the past few months, we have argued quite a bit. Mostly because I do not like their friendship as I felt like they were getting too close. When we are all around together, I notice the way that he looks at her and it truly bothers me. However, I was told that nothing was going on and they were only friends.

Now, over the past few months my wife has picked up a couple of bad habits. One of those is that she drinks a lot now. She has gotten drunk maybe 7 times in the past four weeks which is 6 times more than in her entire life. She also has been talking about going out to bars, clubs, and what not. This isn't the type of person I am.

Anyway, last Tuesday (1 week ago), I had to take my daughter to the ER - she was sick all day long and needed IVs. My cell phone was dead so I asked my wife if I could take her's. She agreed. While I was the ER, my curiosity got the best of me and I decided to read their text messages.

Right off the bat, I notice that texts messages are being deleted in between conversations. It immediately threw up a red flag so I began searching further. Eventually I find a text message from my wife to him saying "I'm sorry baby! I miss you so much! I hope you won't get stuck there and can come home!"

I flipped out. Yes, it seems innocent - but why is my wife calling another man baby? So I sent her a message telling her to get out because I'm sure that's not all that was going on. She said she could explain - she said that she calls him and his wife baby, and that it's only a word and she meant nothing by it.

So I started to read the wife's messages to my wife. I notice sometimes at night that the husband will use the wife's phone to talk to my wife. I think they do this to make me feel like my wife is actually talking to her and not him. Anyway, I come across a message from him saying "Send me a sexy pic Wife isn't around. " and my wife said "I can't " he said "" and she responded with "sorry! ". I know that at this time my wife was at her grandparent's house so I don't know if she has sent any in the past and she just couldn't then.. or what.

So of course, I'm hurt. The past few months we have been fighting because I felt like something was going on and clearly - something is. Upon further pressing I find out that they flirt a lot and it makes her feel good. She tells me that she is unhappy and that a part of her wants out of our relationship. This was on Wednesday. We agree to work on some things to make this marriage work but on Friday I decided to take the man out for dinner to talk with him.

According to him, they are just friends. He admits that there is a feeling there but he would never act on it because he loves his wife. He said nothing physical has taken place and all they do is flirt via texting. I had asked my wife what type of messages take place but she said she couldn't remember.. So I asked him. She tells him what color panties she is wearing, what color bra she's wearing, they talk about sex, they call each other beautiful / handsome, etc.

This hurts me badly. Why does my wife need to talk to another man about these things? When I approach her about it, she said "It's just a color.. " (about the panties/bra). She shows no remorse that her talking to another man like that bothers me so much. In fact, she thinks that she has done absolutely nothing wrong because they have done nothing physical.

Saturday I decide that I just am not okay with them flirting like that so I told her that if she truly wants to be with me - a man she has been with for 10 years, who loves her more than anything, then she will tell him that they can no longer flirt. She said that she can't tell him that. That she enjoys it and she sees nothing wrong with it. She tells me that she loves me but she can't ask him to stop. I told her that her actions speak louder than words and that's all I needed. I told her that I was leaving.

She then stated that she would tell him that night (as both families got invited over to a mutual family's house). That night was really awkward. I did not want to be there. She got drunk and I kept catching her look at him and I pointed it out. She said I was seeing what I wanted to see. At one point they both went up stairs so I followed and I told her now was a time to tell him. They walked into the garage and I went out front to my truck and I noticed that I could see them through the garage (I swear - this was not intentional, my son needed his baby wipes out of the truck which was parked in front of the garage). I could see them smiling at each other and standing fairly close. It was almost as if they were joking about it but according to her she told him that "We aren't supposed to flirt anymore.."

Saturday night we fought because she said that I was a complete jerk and that she was doing nothing wrong. I admit, my jealousy was getting the best of me that night and I truly just wanted to go home. She then told me that she wasn't sure if she wants to be with me anymore because in her mind, I will never trust her to hang out with them.

Sunday we go almost all day without talking, I had to work, she went over to that family's house. Sometime towards the end of the day I sent her a message saying "I know you've been over their house all day and have had time to think.. so what's going through your head?" and she said that she just doesn't know what she wants. When I got home, she said that she loves me and a part of her wants to fix our marriage but another part doesn't. She wants to be trusted - but it's so hard for me to trust her after this has taken place.

Yes, I may be overreacting, but both of them knew that I wouldn't like what was going on and they continued to do it. (by their confession) I just see no reason for my wife to talk to other men the way she was.

Anyway, she thinks that being out of a relationship would be good right now because she's tired of fighting and arguing and that it's driving her crazy. Still to this day, she sees nothing wrong with talking to him that way. It doesn't matter that it hurts me, she thinks it should be okay.

If you're still with me, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this. I guess I am posting here because I know she has no idea what she wants.

We are going to a marriage counselor on Thursday night. I guess it's one of those things where you hope for the best, but expect the worse.

After all that has taken place, I have serious struggles now. I do not know if I can continue being with her. I love my wife. However, this has taken place four times in the past and I do not know if it'll ever change. It always seems to happen when she gets a job, when she has a feeling of independency and freedom.

It is so hard to trust her. Yesterday, she sent me a picture of her and all I could think about was did she send this to him too? Yes, I know all they were doing was "flirting" but to me, some of the things they talk about goes beyond flirting and is into the realm of an emotional connection. It has to be emotional or else she wouldn't of struggled with telling him they could no longer flirt.

Any advice would help. I am trying to take a step back and really consider what I need to do. She told me that "this isn't about him, that she has been unhappy for a while now.." She isn't sure what she wants but she "can't lose me out of her life".

Is there even hope? People tell me that we started too young and she never had an opportunity to "go wild and enjoy the single life" and that's probably what's going through her mind. A life where she can be single, not have to answer to anyone, not have the worries or stresses of a marriage.. and just enjoy a good time.

I'm not one who craves that. I just want a marriage where each spouse can be trusted, feels appreciated, are happy, and both feel loved. I'm beyond that "go wild" phase. It has absolutely no effect on me. Will I truly ever be able to trust her? I know we have two children.. but I have never struggled so much on figuring out if I truly want this to work or if I just need to let her leave.

Just some other facts:
- Sex isn't great and hasn't been for a while. We mostly just do quickies with no emotion from her. She said she just doesn't feel the need for sex but the reality is that at some times in the past she loved sex and craved it.
- She spends most of her week with this other couple and I'm sure they are still texting all day long.
- The wife does know about what goes on between my wife and her husband. She is okay with it. He has cheated on her in the past but "this is just who he is".
- Sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting about the flirting, but it just seems too far and it truly hurts me that she sees nothing wrong with it and doesn't take my feelings into consideration when I tell her it hurts me.
- I am somewhat overweight but I am a good looking guy. I do have some self esteem issues but overall I am happy with who I am. I am a good husband who treats her amazingly well. I rarely get angry and I treat her like a queen.
- I have a great job where I am able to provide however over the past few months, financially, we have been struggling. I do not think we have ever been this broke. We just have more going out then coming in.

Any and all help would be much appreciated. I am just so overwhelmed right now and I do not even know where to begin.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-08-2013, 08:53 AM
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Re: My wife of "10 years" has been "unhappy for a while" and does not know what to do

I don't even know where to start. Married too young, parents too young, all the cheating and now drinking?

She's not wife material - she's simply too young. Cut her loose. She wants to be/act single then let her.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-08-2013, 10:56 AM
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Re: My wife of "10 years" has been "unhappy for a while" and does not know what to do

Sorry OP but I only got through half of your post and all I can say is that I agree with Mavash.

Your wife is immature and a serial cjeater, always looking for the next thrill. Cut her loose and find someone more suited to being a wife
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-08-2013, 05:15 PM
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Re: My wife of "10 years" has been "unhappy for a while" and does not know what to do

OMG, Let her go and give yourself a chance at a real relationship. It isn't supposed to be this way. Get some respect for yourself and find a woman that has respect for herself too.

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-08-2013, 09:00 PM
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Re: My wife of "10 years" has been "unhappy for a while" and does not know what to do

You both cheated.

Not good.

Good news is you can learn from that mistake and move on.

Your "wife" sounds like a serial cheater and that probably won't ever change.

All of this bouncing around isn't good for your children and I would file and say I at least tried.

It just sounds like you two aren't right for each other and your "wife" isn't grown up enough for marriage and family.

Give yourself a chance, my friend.

Sometimes what we love isn't good for us, no matter how much it hurts.

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is"-Zoolander

"Life sucks, but in a beautiful kind of way."-Axl Rose

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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-08-2013, 10:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife of "10 years" has been "unhappy for a while" and does not know what to do

Thank you for your replies.

Over the past few days I have just been mentally tired. It's so hard to process all of these feelings and make a decision with a clear mind.

The few things that I do know is that I am just sick and tired of being hurt. I hate the fact that she sees nothing wrong with what she has done.

I feel like that, even though nothing physical has taken place, that I have been cheated on again. It sure does hurt like the last few times.

My children should be brought up with an example of how a marriage should be, and all of the hurt, the lies, and the stubbornness is not how a marriage should be.

Part of me truly just wants to let her go but I am not sure if it is a clear decision or simply just out of anger / fear of being hurt again. How does one come to make a decision that will impact not one, but four lives drastically?

I'd imagine most of those decisions are made out of impatience and anger - I simply do not want to make the wrong decision.

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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-08-2013, 11:10 PM
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Re: My wife of "10 years" has been "unhappy for a while" and does not know what to do

If she sees nothing wrong with what she has done and shows no is the relationship ever going to work?

You don't want your children to think they have to put up with cheating in their future relationships.

You do want to set a good example. and I know how you feel with not wanting to be the one to "pull the plug".

My husband kicked me out 8 months pregnant with a daughter we both planned...I never wanted a divorce, I was devastated(understatement) but here I am, 6 months later, filing myself.

Because life is too short to hang on to something that wants free. And I'll be damned if I sacrifice anymore self respect over someone like that.

I know its scary but this might be what is best. (I am usually an advocate for "working it out", but in this case, it seems like enough is enough)

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is"-Zoolander

"Life sucks, but in a beautiful kind of way."-Axl Rose

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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-08-2013, 11:37 PM
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Ill bet you a hundred bucks that she's getting her ashes hauled by both the other man and his wife.

And you're so so worried that you're overreacting. You do know that women aren't attracted to passive pushovers don't you? I hate when guys are told on this site to man up, but jeez I think it's probably about time to man up.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-09-2013, 12:17 PM
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Re: My wife of "10 years" has been "unhappy for a while" and does not know what to do

Dude, I don't get you. To be honest, I don't get anyone who has these sort of conversations.

She's texting someone about the color of her underwear, and she can't stop that?

It's an easy call dude, if it's not okay, tell her to leave. Simple. Tell her to leave,

Or open up the marriage and both of you have your separate experiences.

Man up dude, this isn't even a difficult decision, you KNOW what to do.

Last edited by caladan; 01-09-2013 at 12:45 PM.
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