My husband's ex- left him but when she came to the house and I was there she was a complete mess. I'm afraid that in the end, it doesn't mean anything.
I'm really sorry for your loss. I know you didn't want this. But you tried everything you could.
Vent and let us know how you're doing. I can't imagine what you're going through.
Caroline: We are in our 40's. Our love life has always been pretty good up until Oct. Now....it's not so good as we are separated and divorce is looming.
dobo: I wasn't sure what you meant. You H's ex left but came back??
I am doing better since this morning. I had tons of emails to answer and phone calls of support. I will go over a friends tonight.
I also had an appt. with my counselor this afternoon. That made me feel better. As she said...people get together all of the time after the divorce. I know. I might be busy then???haha
Thank you mls31....I wish you the best. Time will heal an time will tell.
V: I think the counselor was telling me that there are a good chunk of couples that get back together....somewhere down the line after the divorce. Not sure on the statistics but I've heard of a few along the way. Not sure if that's enough to keep my hope alive. I don't think it would be healthy for me to hope to get together after the divorce.
I am moving on. Not liking it. Hoping for a better 2010.
I love reading these posts where you are starting to sound really empowered. I kind of think unless he comes back wholeheartedly it won't work anyway. When my H came back I was still very passive and after about 1 month he returned to his miserable ways - and to be honest the reconcilation period really did me over emotionally -
much harder to recover from it a 2nd time. If I had my time over I would never have been so 'nice'.
I've prepared myself for reconciliation. It may NEVER happen knortoh...I may not get the chance.
My game plan would be he would need an apology and a reason other than (loneliness/financial/etc). I would be to have a happy healthier marriage. He would have a need to resolve why he left (found out the grass wasn't greener/etc). Then, he would have to be willing to work on the marriage (marriage retreat/counseling/self help books).
It would need to be full on. Definitely setting bounaries on the way in is the way to go....
I am empowered and feel weak at the same time. I know I need to push forward but I feel like crying. I know this is normal.
My H is hurting too. He doesn't have the outlet and support that I have. He always had me. Why on earth would somone leave a marriage like ours? I know mistakes were made but it don't get it. He's depressed or midlife crisis or something. He's alone. Wow. I am tired. Time to go to bed.
I've prepared myself for reconciliation. It may NEVER happen knortoh...I may not get the chance.
I am empowered and feel weak at the same time. I know I need to push forward but I feel like crying. I know this is normal.
My H is hurting too. He doesn't have the outlet and support that I have. He always had me. Why on earth would somone leave a marriage like ours? I know mistakes were made but it don't get it. He's depressed or midlife crisis or something. He's alone. Wow. I am tired. Time to go to bed.
Hey I don't know about pushing forward - just aim to survive when you know what forward is you'll be drawn there - in the meantime be kind to yourself...
I feel the same about my H. Why would he leave? I think it is so cruel when the reasons aren't obvious - but for many people they are just driven by their own demons and ultimately in a weird kind of way it has nothing to do with 'the relationship'. It has taken me so long to begin to grasp this fact - in the end I have taken some comfort from this observation.
As for him hurting and being alone - I can only encourage you to try and not concern yourself a whole lot with that -
I remember seeing my H at our kids sports day and he stood all alone with a sulky look on his face all day and I just thought what a waste - we could be here enjoying the two people we love the most in the whole world - and yet we aren't....
(why make yourself so miserable?)
and then when I see him and he looks like he is happy happy happy I feel just as embittered - how dare he not feel devastated??????
Sorry for the confusion, Corpus. I just meant that while it was my husband's ex- that left, and that she was really upset about my entering the picture after they'd been separated about 7 months, it didn't cause her to want to reconcile and I'm sure at that time my (now) husband would have.
I don't know what to say regarding "hope" for you. It isn't over until it is over though. So just keep your head and heart positive about the future, whatever it might be. It sounds as though you are in an infinitely better place than him. Very sad for both of you though.
dobo: I see...she left but once you were in the pic...she was upset. So..I see what you mean...just because they may have some feelings it might not make them want to reconcile.
Hope. I don't like feeling like this. I do believe I am in a better place.
Knortoh: You have a point. I feel bad when he feels bad. I won't make me feel better if he's happy either. Then, it will be like he was right...he is happier without me. Double edged sword. I need to let him have his feelings.
You are incredibly well grounded. It sucks because there's no choice but to allow yourself to go through the process and all of its accompanying emotions. Your empathy for his plight is painful for you but at least it shows what a good person you are and that you truly love him. I'm sure he appreciates it even though he can't do what all of us think is the right thing.
Ah, write a book and make some money on the deal! ;-)
Yes! Wouldn't a book deal be cathartic? That is what autobiographers say.
I do wish that I would have kept a journal at the beginning of this ordeal. It would have been interesting to look back someday. "How in the heck did I make it through that?"
You know, it's funny...we both are good people and we love each other. He confirmed that he loved me before he left for our separation. He said "you know I love you?" I said "I know." I have always known. As I write this, it brings tears to my eyes.
Unanswered questions will always be in my heart. I'll never understand how you can love someone and leave. I guess, if you are "Benjamin Button" or an abuser...maybe. When you feel that you are hurting the other person. I don't know.
He spoke of his leaving in terms of his happiness of wanting to have fun or not being attracted to me or not being "in love." Those words that took him out the door, seem childish to me. Fun, happiness, attraction, in love....words of a child. I suppose that he has the emotional intelligence of a child. That speaks to me clearly.
Unanswered questions will always be in my heart. I'll never understand how you can love someone and leave. I guess, if you are "Benjamin Button" or an abuser...maybe. When you feel that you are hurting the other person. I don't know.
He spoke of his leaving in terms of his happiness of wanting to have fun or not being attracted to me or not being "in love." Those words that took him out the door, seem childish to me. Fun, happiness, attraction, in love....words of a child. I suppose that he has the emotional intelligence of a child. That speaks to me clearly.[/QUOTE]
Your situation sounds so much like mine! My husband also said "I think I will always love you" and things like "it would be so much easier if I hated you" and "I know you are my best friend" etc. But this was counterbalanced by nonsense like "what would you do if a relationship just wastn't doing it for?" "what woudl you do if you fell in love with someone else?" and in the end he left twice.
This is depsite the fact that we never stopped having sex throughout our whole marriage, and nearly every morning before I got out of bed he would ask me to keep on holding him....to say that I was blindsided is an understatement
Perhaps we both have married men who are somehow emotionally underdeveloped - I know that hy Husbands's sister says to me that I am dealing with a boy and not a man and that he has been 'playing a role' .
But in my case I also think that my H had difficulty dealing with anything difficult in life - and so when things were tricky he'd juts go underground - I would alsways make allowances for him at these times and take care of things -
So now that he has left it is not surprising that I am left with all the C. to clean up. He hasn't organised anything - hasn't seen a solicitor, accountant, bank manager, mediator nothing ...
he has just left and told me that I can 'have the house' even though this is a nonsense because I can't pay for it -
a lot more to say here - but does any othis sound familiar?
I don't get it either how someone can say they love you, want to forever be your friend but yet divorce you. It makes no sense. I guess the signs aren't always black and white.
It's so hard when you've poured your heart and soul into a relationship only to realize your partner hasn't done the same.
Re: Love Must Be Tough 
