Love Must Be Tough
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 07-10-2009, 09:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Love Must Be Tough

I've read the book by Dr. Dobson...which has helped me toughen up.

Those of you who have read the book or even if you haven't I need some advice.

I want to save the marriage. My husband is 100% sure about divorcing. I suggested, after doing many other things to preserve the marriage that separation rather than divorce might be the next step. He stated that he hadn't thought of it but would "think about it." I figure this will give him a reality check, which a divorce would do anyway.

Obviously, one way or another, we are going to separate. If we are living apart, how do I respond in a way to bring him back into my marriage? I understand in Dobson's book that "opening the gate" allows him to quit running away from the marriage to reevaluating his decision.

It is so difficult not to chase my husband. In the book, it mentions to not call him unless it's business related. In the book it says Freedom is the fuel of the romantic fire.

Besides, leaving him alone....which is contrary to what I want to do...what else do you do in the meantime during a separation to preserve your marriage and appear attractive?
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Old 07-10-2009, 10:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love Must Be Tough

LMBT helped me a lot when I read it. Our natural instinct is to try and hold our spouse closer but in many cases that only drives them further away. I agree that in your case showing your confidence and readiness to move on is a good strategy. If he sees you are moving on with your life he may kindle a desire to work on the marriage. Let him know calmly that you want to give the marriage effort but if he is unwilling then you need to channel your resources in other directions. Let him know the “gate is open” but it won’t be that way for ever. In the meantime, do keep the communications in a business mode.

What can you do in the meantime? If you feel a need to lose weight, work on that. Change your appearances. A new hair style or color. Upgrade your wardrobe. Go out with friends more. If he sees you changing and moving on he may second guess his decision. Good luck.
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Old 07-10-2009, 10:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love Must Be Tough

I agree it might be a good path to follow.

But be careful

Sometimes you get more than you bargained for.

I did this for my wife instead of talking about my feelings and it led to me finding another man in my house. It may have only been a matter of days before they started hanging out as "friends" and it snowballed from there.

She played nice and hid everything. Even said she wasnt interested in anyone right now.

It can happen, but its a risk yo have to take sometimes.

You cant seem paranoid or needy either or it will just push him away.

There are probably just as many cases where it has worked as it hasnt. Just be prepared on the off chance it doesnt.

I hope that doesnt make you nervous, but it is a factor that must be considered.
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Old 07-10-2009, 11:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love Must Be Tough


Good point Dark. LMBT can backfire.
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Old 07-10-2009, 12:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love Must Be Tough

Yeah, Im living proof of that.

Perhaps we just waited too long.

Ughhhh.
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Old 07-10-2009, 01:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love Must Be Tough

Just a thought - you might consider reading "Divorce Remedy" as well. It might be available at your local library. Here's a summary of the 7 Step program:

http://www.marriageuncensored.com/as...%20Program.pdf
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Old 07-10-2009, 02:28 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love Must Be Tough

Amplexor-i remember reading in a thread that you've had success in rekindling your marriage....Was it using these techniques?

Dark Angel-you are right about being prepared for the worst. I figure, he will leave anyway regardless. I've suggested the separation thing vs. divorce. I figure some time alone may have him reevaluate things. However, there are no guarantees.

Dazed-These are great tips. However, my husband is past this phase as he done working on the marriage. I can't do it alone anymore...I tried.

Thanks for the advice guys!
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Old 07-10-2009, 03:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Corpuswife View Post
Amplexor-i remember reading in a thread that you've had success in rekindling your marriage....Was it using these techniques?
There were a lot of factors, techniques and circumstances that helped us get the marriage on a better track. We have both agreed that pretty much everything that needed to be corrected has been with one exception. One of the toughest hurdles, she is still not in love with me. Maybe she never will return to that point but in the mean time we are together, enjoying each others company, raising our kids and planning for our future.

LMBT had a role in it. One of the things that first attracted my wife to me was my air of confidence. We met professionally she really liked my abilities to “work a crowd” as she puts it. When I found out about the EA I pretty much came apart emotionally and lost that confidence professionally and at home. I had always felt I was pretty much a rock emotionally but when it fell apart it completely scrambled the dynamics of the relationship. She didn’t see the man in me anymore that she fell in love with. That reinforced her “friendship” with TOM as she drew closer to him for support and advice. LMBT helped me to understand that in order to gain her back I had to show confidence in myself. To let her know I wanted it to work out, would do all I could to make it work, but if it didn’t I would be ready to move on. It allowed me to look objectively at what had happened to the marriage and realize it wasn’t all my fault, we both had a hand in it’s near failure. Only when she saw the confidence return in me did she start to feel better that things had a chance to work out. She stopped pulling away from me emotionally and physically. The process has been very long, over two years but I am once again her emotional center and best friend.

There was a lot of pain and anxiety for us both but it has all been worth it. We are not completely out of the woods but in many ways the marriage is better than it has ever been. We communicate at a level we never had before. We spend more time together then we have in years. I love her more deeply then I ever thought possible.

As a side note The Five Languages of Love was a huge help to me also. We speak different love languages and I had never understood that before.

Good luck to you Corpus.
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Old 07-10-2009, 06:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
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A surgeon friend of mine said that he doesn't believe that people are "in love" after so many years....in my instance 24. He believes it is a deeper committed type of love. He told me that he loves his wife dearly but isn't in love with her (not the butterfly in your stomach/can't wait to see you).

He also went on to say, if my husband ends up "in love" with another person...that 20 years from now there is ZERO chance that he will still be "in love" with that person.
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Old 07-13-2009, 07:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
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UPDATE: I'm still on my tough approach. This week I've done pretty well. I'm my normal self, except I am not trying to touch or hang onto my husband. When I say I have a meeting, I don't elaborate. This is to make him wonder....hmmm, what is she up to.

He found a furnished apartment on a monthly basis. He will move out this Friday. Last night, we had a long talk about the conditions of our separation. How we will relate communication wise, child wise, financial wise, etc.

I think he was suprised at my hard stance on little to no communication between us. I stated that this is like a trial divorce. In my mind, I have to risk this in order to slap him in the face with reality.

We agreed that in a month from his moving out, we will evaluate as to how things are going.

Funny thing his "cage" door is open and now he is thinking "is this what I really want." Last night, for the first time since Oct. he was agressive sexually and wanted to have sex (even kiss). This is significant. Guess wha??!!! I told him that I didnt' want to. I was as kind and sweet as I could be. Hmmmmmmmm. I suprised myself.

If we would have had sex last night, he would have thought I was the same ole me...willing to take anything. I am no longer the chasee.
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Old 07-13-2009, 08:14 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Corpuswife View Post
A surgeon friend of mine said that he doesn't believe that people are "in love" after so many years....in my instance 24. He believes it is a deeper committed type of love. He told me that he loves his wife dearly but isn't in love with her (not the butterfly in your stomach/can't wait to see you).
The Five Kinds of Love
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Old 07-13-2009, 01:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I believe that we've experienced all during the course of our 24 years of marriage. Perhaps even twice! Good post. Thanks
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Old 07-26-2009, 03:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
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It has been 9 days since my husband moved out. Today, my 15 year old was going to spend the night with him. He called me to get a pickup time (after church). He wanted to go to lunch afterwards with my daughter and I. I hestitated but agreed.

I called a friend who is my tough love support. I didn't feel like it was a the right thing to do (eat lunch with him) during the separation. This would give him the comfort of the family unit. I am into letting him experience the full out pain of the separation. Afterall, "the grass is greener" right?

I texted him and said I couldn't make lunch, had other plans, but he could pick up daughter at house.

I WAS very proud of myself. I cried after he left. It went against my nature to cancel a meeting with him. However, if I ate lunch or had sex or chit chat on the phone with him. Where will it get me? Same ole stuff different day. Nothing changes. Until he is ready to reconcile, I am holding a hard stance.

This is going to be a difficult 3 weeks. We meet at that point to figure out...continue on, divorce, or reconcile.
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Old 07-29-2009, 12:43 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Corpuswife....

Good for you! It made me so happy to hear you are in the drivers seat =) I wish there were a way for my H to actually move out of the house instead of just into another room. Not only would it make it alot easier for me emotionally but maybe he would get the same slap of reality...

I'm VERY proud of your strength....keep it up!!!
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Old 07-29-2009, 07:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Ifyousayso,

I read your thread. You were pretty tough...I never initiated the separate bedrooms. He did. Just do what you can at this point.

You husbands sound like he needs a good slap of reality. I know how you said financially you couldn't separate. What is your next step?
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