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He Changed at "I Do"

5K views 34 replies 20 participants last post by  Toshiba2020 
#1 ·
He changed at "I do"

My husband and I got married just 3 months ago and since then everything has changed. We had only known each other for about 9 months and I stupidly jumped into it. I am expecting my first child next summer. When we first met, he had strict standards, but was so sweet, caring, GENTLE and loving that I didn't read the signs as controlling. Now, I am not allowed to see my friends because he doesn't like them and thinks they are bad to me so "he is looking out for me when I can't look out for myself." He dislikes my family (who is wonderful and have been amazing my entire life) and I can't visit them unless he is with me. Actually, I can't go anywhere with people unless he is with me. If he is home, I have to be home otherwise he blows up about how I am choosing someone else over our marriage. He has told me I am now not allowed to wear makeup to work, deleted my facebook account, made me change my phone number, email account, throw away clothes/jewelry and delete all pictures from before we met. The worst part is his anger, it really scares me but I just dont know if I can raise a baby like this much less live life this way.

The terrible part is that this is my second marriage, I was in an incredibly abusive relationship before and I see this heading down that path. I feel terrible that I made this mistake and wonder how I was this blind a second time, but I know I'm not strong enough to handle this forever. The sad part is that he has two other children, one of whom the mother took away from him and I would feel horrible and wrong doing the same thing. I know that sounds irrational. He has times, weeks where he is sweet and kind toward me and we talk about the future and get excited, but deep down I know what the future looks like. I'm worried about him if I leave and worried about me and my unborn baby if I stay.

Posting from Texas. I know I need to push back, but I'm scared to be quite honest. If I tell him no or disagree with something he says in a nice way, he blows up and becomes violent, breaking my things, punching walls. Last time he got upset it was because my adult sisters and I use nicknames for each other. My sister's name is Marsha and we call her Marshes. He told me it was immature and it made me stupid. I told him that I simply didn't see what the big deal was about it, my whole family is fun-loving and calls each other nicknames. He broke his hand in three places from punching a wall. He hasn't become violent with me but his rage seems uncontrollable. He has started to see a counselor, but screamed at me when I suggested I see one too.

I have told him how I feel and he says I'm just whining and I should grow up and that no one should be telling him what to do. He also will call me names then and tell me I just need to listen to him and learn my role as a wife. I just feel that there is no negotiating or healthy communication with him.

I have never raised my voice to him or had an attitude before, as you said, in many ways I have let him control me which is humiliating and makes me feel completely worthless. However, today I finally told him very calmly and respectfully I can't take the control issues and feel unloved and disrespected. He told me to stop running my mouth and that I was being selfish. After a long run around with that and him threatening divorce numerous times, he finally apologized and we are having a talk about it tonight. I just feel like he doesn't see where I'm coming from and I don't know how to communicate with him without him blowing up or calling me names. I also have a hard time just walking away when that happens because I feel bad.:confused:
 
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#30 ·
Let me start by saying, THANK you everyone, somehow just hearing from sincere and caring people even if it's not what I wanted to hear has given me encouragement and rationale. However, I do have to disagree with some of you who say he is a predator. In actuality, he is a good man but a Veteran who came back from the way very, very, very messed up in the mind. That being said, none of these actions are acceptable or excusable no matter what mental issues one suffers and I will not put up with them both for me and for my child. So, thank you everyone, you helped me see a little more clearly and gave some strength to a woman who feels like she's losing her marbles.

I am doing okay right now and I am still with him- right now. We have alerted his doctors as to his behavior, changed his meds, he has not had an episode since we talked and has given me ALOT of much needed space. I'm not convinced this is going to last though and have some plans if it comes to leaving. I know you cannot change someone, I may be weak right now, but I'm not stupid and I will not tolerate a lifetime of this. I have become convinced after much research that he DOES absolutely have a personality disorder- either borderline or obdurate paranoid. Does anyone know about the second one??

ChiGirl, I completely relate with what you said. Really touched home.
 
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#31 ·
Re: He changed at "I do"

I have become convinced after much research that he DOES absolutely have a personality disorder- either borderline or obdurate paranoid. Does anyone know about the second one??
Cindy, my understanding is that PPD (Paranoid PD) -- of which "obdurate paranoid" is a subset -- is essentially one of the traits found in BPD, which has many other traits. Specifically, one of the nine traits is "transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms."

When the paranoia is exhibited in the absence of those other BPD traits, the disorder is called PPD. When most of the other BPD traits are also present, however, the behavioral pattern is called BPD.

IMO, the traits you are describing -- e.g., temper tantrums, punching holes in walls, and verbal abuse -- go far beyond the narrowly focused traits of PPD. Moreover, the primary hallmark of BPD -- which sets it apart from PPD and other PDs -- is an instability in personal relationships and self identity. This instability is usually most evident in the way a BPDer will flip back and forth between loving you and devaluing you. This seems consistent with your remark that "He has times, weeks where he is sweet and kind toward me."

Significantly, PPD is given as a diagnosis only when the paranoia trait cannot be explained by a broader PD -- like BPD -- that includes paranoia along with many other traits. Further, if your H does have strong BPD traits, it would not be surprising if a therapist found him to have another PD as well.

Indeed, a recent study (pub. 2008) found that most BPDers have one or two other PDs together with the BPD. Keep in mind that PDs are NOT separate diseases. Indeed, there is no known disease that causes ANY of them. Instead, the PDs are simply "syndromes," i.e., groups of behavioral traits that therapists commonly see occurring together in their clients. This, at least, is my understanding, Cindy.
 
#32 ·
Re: He changed at "I do"

It's too easy to take the comments on a message board as just that: comments on a message board. But, you really need to listen to everyone here, if this man is breaking his hands on walls he is out of control and is a real danger to you and your unborn child.
 
#33 ·
We are finally ending things as they have become very difficult. I caught him trying to meet up with his ex and telling her he wished they were still together and she is his soul mate. This just made me sick, disgusted and there is no coming back from it. We are separated but living in the same house for various reasons. We are being civil and planning things, I am looking for a new place, in the meantime things are calm, just painful. SO PAINFUL. Has anyone had experience with breaking up with a BPD? I've had a previous divorce and breakups in the past, but this is much more painful and not just because we are under the same roof. I could really use some help, encouragement, anything.
My rational mind knows this is the right thing to do, but my emotions are fighting me and the guilt is eating me up. I feel bad that I can't be the caregiver type of person and emotionally invest again (however, I know that I shouldn't!)
 
#34 ·
Has anyone had experience with breaking up with a BPD?
Yes, Cindy, I divorced a BPDer after a 15 year marriage. Because BPDers can get very vindictive and mean while splitting the partner black, you should expect the D to get very nasty very quickly. I therefore recommend you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.

As to the difficulty of walking away, we codependent caregivers find it excruciatingly painful to walk away from a sick loved one. The notion of doing so is anathema to us. It therefore is extremely important that you hold onto your righteous anger, using it as a crutch to walk away to safety. Then, a year later -- after you are safely away -- you can kick that crutch aside.

Right now, however, your anger likely is the only thing that will make it possible for you to leave. Remember, anger -- when used correctly -- is a great motivating force that makes action possible. This is why it is one of the primitive ego defenses we are all born with.
 
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