My husband and I got married just 3 months ago and since then everything has changed. We had only known each other for about 9 months and I stupidly jumped into it. I am expecting my first child next summer. When we first met, he had strict standards, but was so sweet, caring, GENTLE and loving that I didn't read the signs as controlling. Now, I am not allowed to see my friends because he doesn't like them and thinks they are bad to me so "he is looking out for me when I can't look out for myself." He dislikes my family (who is wonderful and have been amazing my entire life) and I can't visit them unless he is with me. Actually, I can't go anywhere with people unless he is with me. If he is home, I have to be home otherwise he blows up about how I am choosing someone else over our marriage. He has told me I am now not allowed to wear makeup to work, deleted my facebook account, made me change my phone number, email account, throw away clothes/jewelry and delete all pictures from before we met. The worst part is his anger, it really scares me but I just dont know if I can raise a baby like this much less live life this way.
The terrible part is that this is my second marriage, I was in an incredibly abusive relationship before and I see this heading down that path. I feel terrible that I made this mistake and wonder how I was this blind a second time, but I know I'm not strong enough to handle this forever. The sad part is that he has two other children, one of whom the mother took away from him and I would feel horrible and wrong doing the same thing. I know that sounds irrational. He has times, weeks where he is sweet and kind toward me and we talk about the future and get excited, but deep down I know what the future looks like. I'm worried about him if I leave and worried about me and my unborn baby if I stay.
Posting from Texas. I know I need to push back, but I'm scared to be quite honest. If I tell him no or disagree with something he says in a nice way, he blows up and becomes violent, breaking my things, punching walls. Last time he got upset it was because my adult sisters and I use nicknames for each other. My sister's name is Marsha and we call her Marshes. He told me it was immature and it made me stupid. I told him that I simply didn't see what the big deal was about it, my whole family is fun-loving and calls each other nicknames. He broke his hand in three places from punching a wall. He hasn't become violent with me but his rage seems uncontrollable. He has started to see a counselor, but screamed at me when I suggested I see one too.
I have told him how I feel and he says I'm just whining and I should grow up and that no one should be telling him what to do. He also will call me names then and tell me I just need to listen to him and learn my role as a wife. I just feel that there is no negotiating or healthy communication with him.
I have never raised my voice to him or had an attitude before, as you said, in many ways I have let him control me which is humiliating and makes me feel completely worthless. However, today I finally told him very calmly and respectfully I can't take the control issues and feel unloved and disrespected. He told me to stop running my mouth and that I was being selfish. After a long run around with that and him threatening divorce numerous times, he finally apologized and we are having a talk about it tonight. I just feel like he doesn't see where I'm coming from and I don't know how to communicate with him without him blowing up or calling me names. I also have a hard time just walking away when that happens because I feel bad.
maybe he will find help and become less dangerous toward his partners, maybe he won't, but the fact is: He is dangerous. And my girl, you know this in your heart.
You have listed every single sign of abusive controlling violent behavior.Next time it may not be the wall he punches. He will probably wait until he totally cut you off from all means of escape and turned your thinking inside out before you become the real punching bag.
Get Out Now. Call your family, ask them to come get you. When leaving, make sure you are NEVER alone with him, there should be at least one other man with you while you pack to leave.
You told him how you feel, and he disrespected your feelings by telling you to stop whining and no one should be telling him what to do? This speaks volumes, along with all the other ways he is acting and the things he is saying. Funny how you can't tell him anything but he can tell you whatever he wants and expects you to do it. Doesn't work that way.
This is not love, this is control and anger. And as trey said, you are his target and his emotional punching bag. He might be punching walls now, but it might be you or the child later. Never think it can't happen. A spouse who truly loves you will not tell you that you can't hang with your friends or family. They wont tell you you can't wear make up or go here or there. They wont feel the need to be with you everywhere you go. He sounds violent, and I think you need to get away from him.
This is not something that will get better. If you think little of yourself and unborn child, then stay, if you think more of yourself and want better for your child then leave.
My husband and I got married just 3 months ago and since then everything has changed. We had only known each other for about 9 months and I stupidly jumped into it. I am expecting my first child next summer.
The terrible part is that this is my second marriage, I was in an incredibly abusive relationship before and I see this heading down that path. I feel terrible that I made this mistake and wonder how I was this blind a second time
You admit that you've made stupid decisions.
Married and pregant with a guy you've known less than a year and this after a first abusive relationship.
Time to cut your losses and learn from your mistakes.
This guy isn't going to get better and I think you're just seeing the tip of the iceberg.
Leave him, or get a restraining order and kick him out based on your fear of him based on his actions. That will keep you safe until the divorce is over and emotions are running at their peak.
CallaLily: That's exactly what it is, he can tell me anything he wants and I can't tell him anything, he said I can ask him to change things, but he can tell me. I told him I think a man and woman deserve equal respect, he was ticked. He holds it over me that I moved into HIS house, HE makes more money than I do, HE owns most of the furniture so HE says we are not equal. What a bunch of BS.
Thank you for the advice, I think very highly of myself and will not let anyone change that, especially after all I've been through.
It feels like a bad nightmare...how did I get here? Like I should wake up at any moment. Well, sharkeey, I think you might be right..cut my losses. Such a big loss though with a baby involved, I feel like a terrible mother already. I know I will be fine in the end though, just need to do some planning now.
Why do you see this as a loss just because you're pregnant? Look at it as a new beginning for you and your child.
I would seek some legal advice right now on how you should proceed and what you should do, then go from there. Your husband needs to not know any of this right now either, it will only make matters worse. Find out your rights and what you need to do first.
He has also been diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety Disorders and Major Depression.
Cindy, when a man has strong traits of a PD (personality disorder), it is common for therapists to tell him about the co-occurring clinical disorders (e.g., OCD, anxiety, and depression) because those are covered by insurance and will not frighten him into abandoning therapy. They are loath to tell him, however, about the much more serious PD.
Hence, your best chance of finding out what you and your future child will be dealing with is to see YOUR OWN psychologist, who has not seen or treated your H. It is important to obtain a professional opinion from a psychologist who is ethically bound to protect only YOUR interests, not his.
I mention all this because the behaviors you describe -- the temper tantrums, verbal abuse, wall punching, controlling behavior, blame-shifting, and rapid flips between loving and hating you -- are some of the classic traits of NPD (Narcissistic PD) and BPD (Borderline PD).
I therefore suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment with a psychologist, you read about NPD and BPD traits so you will know how to spot the red flags. Learning to spot the warning signs will go a long way toward protecting you from falling into a third toxic marriage. Although you will not be able to make a diagnosis (only professionals can do that), spotting the warning signs is not difficult. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, always being "The Victim," and verbal abuse.
A good place to begin reading about NPD traits is Kathy Batesel's article at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It. And I provide an overview of BPD traits in my post in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If those two descriptions ring a bell, there are many TAM members who will be glad to discuss the traits with you and point you to good online resources. Finally, I agree with all the respondents urging you to move out for your own safety. Take care, Cindy.
Wow, you could really be right. Just the little research I've done on the internet makes sense. I have often thought he had undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder.
He is manipulative and always manages to turn himself into the victim- without fail over everything. I am always the one in the wrong. Then in no time he will be this prince charming for a few days and apologize for everything then the next day its back to the anger, isolation, control, irritability. I'm really going to look into this. I hope this doesn't sound bad, but it makes me feel a bit encouraged to read this and realize there is definitely something wrong with him because he is sooooo good at making me feel like there is somethign wrong with myself.
I have often thought he had undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder.
He may have. A fourth of BPDers also have bipolar-1 disorder. What you are describing, however, seems to go well beyond the behaviors seen in bipolar-1 sufferers. I am not a psychologist. However, I did live with a BPDer exW and my bipolar-1 foster son for 15 years. Based on that experience, I've identified 12 clear differences between the typical behavioral traits of BPDers and bipolar sufferers. If you are interested, please see my post in Redneck's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety...ml#post1175425.
I just feel like he doesn't see where I'm coming from and I don't know how to communicate with him without him blowing up or calling me names.
Your behavior -- called "walking on eggshells" -- is harmful to both of you. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD (targeted to the abused spouses) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.
He is sooooo good at making me feel like there is somethign wrong with myself.... good to know one person thinks I'm not crazy!
"Crazy" is exactly how you should feel if you're living with a BPDer (i.e., a person having strong BPD traits). Of the several dozen disorders listed in the APA's Diagnostic Manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused spouses feel like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, therapists see far more of those spouses -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. To a lesser extent, NPD and Antisocial PD also have the reputation of having a "crazymaking" effect on the spouses.
This effect is so well known that the ex-partners of BPDers have given it a name: "gaslighting." It is named after the classic 1944 movie Gaslight, in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to get her institutionalized -- allowing him to run off with her inherited family jewels. Of the many tricks he employs, one is to keep turning the house gaslights down a tiny bit further each day -- all the while pretending that he is able to see and read just fine.
"BPDers therefore will create arguments over nothing as a way to push you away and give them breathing room. Hence, it is not surprising that they tend to create the very worst arguments immediately following the very best of times, i.e., right after an intimate evening or a great weekend spent together."
SO accurate in his case. He definitely is more so on the BPD end and the symptoms describe him perfectly. WOW, thank you for sharing.
So, in response to seeing a doctor myself. I suggested that I see a counselor during the time that he does and this sent him into a rage saying, it makes me weak-minded if I have to take the advice of someone else to be married. For right now, that is not an option.
“That’s the eagle, the king of the birds,” said his neighbor. “He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth—we’re chickens.” So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that’s what he thought he was.