I opened up and am paying the price.
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Old 01-27-2013, 02:14 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I opened up and am paying the price.

So me and my fiancÚ have been having some problems and I finally got the nerve to open up about it. Low and behold it blew up in my face. First of we've been dating almost ten years now. I'm 30 she's 26. Over past few months she's expressed her concerns over marriage by saying things like "is this all there is", "we're just like roommates", and our sex life rapidly spiraled down after our engagement to 5 times over last year. Finally tonight couldn't take it anymore and spilled beans about how I felt this marriage was a mistake for all previous reasons as well as wouldn't want to subject kids to our unstable relationship. So thinking she too would open up from her brief comments in past she blows up on me and says she loves me and wants things to work. All I can think is this is a coping mechanism of anger trying to hide what she really feels since she already kinda said it in the past. Either way now I'm up at 3am writing this cuz I feel like a POS for saying how I feel. Am I doing the right thing or do I give the relationship another shot?
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Old 01-27-2013, 02:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I opened up and am paying the price.

Well. Hmmmm where to start? You are not paying the price for the fact that you opened up, you are paying the price for the words that came out of your mouth which caused the meaning she took to her heart. Clearly, you hurt her.

You two have been together a very long time and so the relationship has settled ... Into a pattern of complacency, routine and predictability. Sex is infrequent, connection is less energetic, the effort either one of you, or perhaps both of you put into the relationship has taken a back seat to jobs, home, finances, family... Does this sound like your relationship?

I am assuming you are living together right?

What you might have mentioned to your maybe possibly soon to be wife or ex girl friend, is that your relationship needs some oomph. You two need to reconnect and restore the passion for each other. If she had butted in and said she does feel passion for you, that would be your cue to bring up sex frequency or lack thereof.

But you started off with the ending, never a good way to go about it, lad.

Ask for a mulligan on that conversation. Only this time you need to go into it with the mission of working together to make it better. It sounds to her like you gave her the break up talk and expected her to agree with

I'm sure you know that marriage is not smooth sailing all the way through? It's wonderful and can give you the strength to get through anything, but it can also be terrible making you feel as if you'll never be happy again. Which way it feels depends a LOT on how well you two resolve conflicts. We generally aren't born with the innate ability, so we have to learn how to do that and doing that is really hard when your whole world is wrapped up into the outcome of that conflict. Luckily, the person your learning with loves you and is apt to forgive you. She has just as much learning to do as you.

Oh my... The fights Mr Pink and I had all those years ago... Good times, good times.

Welcome to life!
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Old 01-27-2013, 03:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I opened up and am paying the price.

Why are you only having sex 5 times a year?

If you want to and she doesn't leave now before marriage as that's just ridiculous.
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Old 01-27-2013, 03:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I opened up and am paying the price.

Sorry about that, I just saw you other thread and now I know more about what you're dealing with.

Assuming you have her your "My needs are important" speech and assuming that did not work out so well. Did you two ever go through the links provided? Did she identify any needs she had that weren't being met? Is she comfortable talking about this in the first place?

I agree that sex is vitally important in a marriage and I agree that sexual compatibility is also important. But I do not agree that a 26 year old young woman is set in her ways in terms of sex drive.

Is there no way you two can work through this?

If not, then you will feel like a POS for a while cause breaking up with and hurting someone you care about never feels good. But you'll get through it and so will she.
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Old 01-27-2013, 04:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I opened up and am paying the price.

Sex 5x in a year and your not even married yet?

OK, give me ONE good reason why you'd stay in a relationship where your needs aren'tbeing met
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Old 01-27-2013, 05:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I opened up and am paying the price.

She (and you) are very young and might not know what you want in life, dating since she was 16 years old? You might consider you have both been together out of convenience, it's tough, but maybe look objectively at what life apart would be like for the both of you, without clouding it with anxiety or worry or guilt.
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Old 01-27-2013, 08:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Sorry about that, I just saw you other thread and now I know more about what you're dealing with.

Assuming you have her your "My needs are important" speech and assuming that did not work out so well. Did you two ever go through the links provided? Did she identify any needs she had that weren't being met? Is she comfortable talking about this in the first place?



Is there no way you two can work through this?

If not, then you will feel like a POS for a while cause breaking up with and hurting someone you care about never feels good. But you'll get through it and so will she.
First off thanks for the replies. Surprisingly this morning after the blowout fight we started to actually talk a lil more. I think she agrees that we need work on things and wants this to work out. I do as well am willing to keep trying. I just hope things don't just stay good for a short while and go back to how things were. Either way I guess will see.
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Old 01-27-2013, 08:53 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by johndivney View Post
She (and you) are very young and might not know what you want in life, dating since she was 16 years old? You might consider you have both been together out of convenience, it's tough, but maybe look objectively at what life apart would be like for the both of you, without clouding it with anxiety or worry or guilt.
That's just it. We've been living together for 7 years completely on our own 1200 miles from nearest family. The relationship does seem out of convenience because we really don't have anyone else to depend on but each other. That's what makes all this so difficult and ****ty!!
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