Maybe the breaking point
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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 01-30-2013, 06:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
cas
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Default Maybe the breaking point

The last post of mine was after my husband and I had the hard talk in which I told him that I am unhappy. We agreed to try to work things out, he promised to change some things... He didn't make any effort. In fact, he just acted like things were totally normal. He did accuse me of being mean to him, saying that I never look at him and smile and we don't have anything good in our lives. I told him that things are not okay and I can't just pretend, that he hasn't made any effort and that hurts. I said if he wants something good in our lives then make it happen. We had a few good days together, some dinners out, went to see a movie together. I was really trying to see past the problems and be open to loving him again. We had sex and I felt terrible because I didn't want it and my feelings hadn't changed. He left on a work trip for a couple days and it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

During all this time, my best friend and I started making plans to go on a trip together this spring. One of the problems between my husband and I is that I want to travel and he says he does not, will not ever want to travel. I'm planning on going on a yoga retreat next year to Costa Rica (I'm a yoga teacher, not my full time job but something I'm passionate about). I've never flown, I'm scared of it. So I wanted to finally get over the fear with a short flight, to NYC, before that trip. My best friend flies a lot and her mom and husband are nervous fliers so I know she'll be good to travel with. I'd been holding out to go somewhere with my husband for years but he's made it clear that he's not interested in traveling and has repeatedly told me that he's never going to NYC. When I told him we were going to plan this trip he didn't react at all.

Today, when I emailed him the dates we were looking at... he flipped out. He's resentful that I'm spending this money on myself. He's also resentful that I spent money on the yoga teacher training program I did. These are all things that I have saved up for (by not going out to eat lunch every day or not shopping, etc.) while still taking care of all financial obligations we have together. And, I've tried to get him to set goals like travel or things for the house and save for them but he never responds.

I make more money than him and I have carried the financial burden of our life together from the very beginning of our relationship. I've always made more money because he took a lower paying job that's his passion, I supported that decision because I didn't want him to be miserable but it was his decision to make. He had the potential to enter another field and make triple what he's making now. I have always been diligent about saving but he never has. Most recently, I took a loan from my 401k (he has no savings) to pay off credit card bills that he let run up. So there's been an imbalance for as long as we've been together. And I know money problems are at the root of a lot of marital problems. In our case money and responsibility.

Even deeper than that though, is that I'm finally doing things for me. For the past thirteen years, I've put him first but now I see that things are not balanced and that my dreams are always being pushed aside. I'm doing what I want and he can't handle it. Even though I've always supported everything that he's wanted in life.

The last thing he said to me was the thing that I think is pushing me over the edge. He said that if we split up I'm ruining his life in more ways than one- not only will I be leaving him but I'll be forcing him to quit his job and leave the area because "I refuse to work for your BFF and have to hear about how your life is sooo much better without me."

My best friend is his boss, owner of the bike shop he works in. She's got her faults, but she would never, ever make him uncomfortable or get in the middle. She knows about our problems, but has never given any indication that she knows to him. She wouldn't talk about me when he's around, period.

I just can't get over that he's saying that he would quit a job he loves because of me and expecting me to feel guilty for that. On top of the money stuff and resentment he has when I try to do something for myself.

I don't really know what I want out of posting here... I guess I just feel like there isn't really a way to come back from this. Before today, I felt like he was so innocent in all this, that my feelings had changed so I'm to blame for everything. But now I feel like he's not willing to put the work into our marriage and he doesn't support my dreams in life or want me to really do the things that make me happy and takes for granted everything that I've done for us over the years.
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Old 01-31-2013, 01:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe the breaking point

I understand completely. It takes two to make a marriage work.
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Old 01-31-2013, 02:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe the breaking point

I would think the reason he is guilt tripping you is because he is scared of the change youve shown because of your growth as a person.

It is great that you decided to show a little love to the person who matters the most: yourself.

Now it is up to you to decide wether you want this man in your life. Understand he is scared and fears losing you but he is so paranoid by this that he doesnt realize his fear is making things worse. Again if you want to save your marriage then he NEEDs proffesional help.

Hopefully you guys can work things out and he realizes he needs to grow too in order to meet your updated needs.
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Old 02-01-2013, 08:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
cas
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Default Re: Maybe the breaking point

Thank you both for the responses.

You're right Greg1515, he's scared and lashing out, which is only making things worse. I'm just not sure if he wants to grow. I'm afraid that he just wants things to stay the same as they were... when I was not happy.

I know it takes time and communication. It's just so hard to keep working at it when I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

We haven't spoken in two days and he just texted me to ask if I want to go out for dinner or eat in, like he would if things were just fine. Sigh.
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Old 02-01-2013, 09:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Maybe the breaking point

Well you stated that you've already tried talking things about with no real change on his part.

I would suggest you put down in writing, ALL the issues you have with him.

Based on what you've told us, some points you need to get across in your letter would be:

a) I supported your choice to dedicate yourself to your life's passion. You should be grateful and show me the same courtesy when I am trying to enjoy my own passions by indulging myself with MY OWN hard earn money.

b) If you are determined to quit on your lifestyle and your job because of my absence then you should consider the fact that maybe you are not as PASSIONATE about your job as you think, and maybe it's time you grow up, do the responsible thing, and find a higher paying job that empowers you to do whatever you want.

c) I appreciate all the love and time and experiences we've shared together but that I want more. And I want from you, from us, but you don't seem to be willing to do anything about it, and I'm reaching a point were the emptiness I feel as a person is outweighing the love and patience I have for you. If you so desperately want me to be the most important part of your life then DO something about it starting NOW.

These are basically some ideas I wrote down based on what you've shared with us. You should add every single detail that has bothered you. Maybe you think being this forward might send him over the edge and act irrationally or hurt your marriage, but at some point you have to take a stand and not let things slide anymore.

Ask him to reply to your letter in writing as well so that in the future you hold him accountable. Writing things down (to some people) gives us an illusion of signing a contract, or making a more formal commitment.

Just some ideas that might help you out and not fall into the same behavioral pattern you've experienced in the past with him.

Cheers.
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Old 02-01-2013, 10:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
cas
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Default Re: Maybe the breaking point

Wow, Greg, just wow. Thank you. You were able to articulate things that I know, but couldn't. Thank you for the perspective. This line especially: "I'm reaching a point were the emptiness I feel as a person is outweighing the love and patience I have for you."

I'm going to work on a letter. I do have to take a stand. The marriage is already hurt, this will either heal it or take it off life support.
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