Linds1986

Well, to start off. I'm new here. But my life has been so hectic in all things marriage. I'm 21, I happened to get married at the age of 19. We were friends for about a year and started to date, a couple years later we got married. I was pregnant at 17 with our first son. Now we have two boys. They are the best things that have ever happened to me. But ever since my first son, things have been getting worse. We constantly fight, even if its about the most stupidest things you can think of. Now, being three years later we are starting to fight in front of the kids. Thats just a BIG no no. I told him that we either stop fighting, or get a divorce. Couples counseling is pointless in my opinion. If you already have the urge of letting go/seperating its time to be on your own. We have, in fact been seperated but only for a couple weeks at a time. Not a big/long seperation to exactly know if things would work out or not. While during our seperation (one of the few times) still living together, WITH our kids he was seeing a Highschool Ex-girlfriend behind my back. Now, this is they type of guy who I thought would NEVER lie or dishonor me in any way. I found out that he had found her through MYspace, they went out for some lunch, about 4-5 times, even went to the zoo with MY boys together when I specifically told him that I wanted to go that weekend with them because I had to work that day. He ended up going any way and meeting her there "Coincidentaly". I found out that they didn't sleep together, but she kissed him. Even though she is married, and has two daughters of her own. He said to me that he didn't want to tell me because he knew I was going to get mad. I wouldn't approve of him having a woman as a friend. So he kept it a secret. But why during our seperation did he have the urge to track her down? Why would he REALLY keep this from me? What was going through his head? Okay, now...when I first heard this I was 110% sure I was going to leave him. Sometimes its hard to picture my life without him because I have been with him so long. There are so many reasons why...but I don't want to stay with him just because we have kids together. Thats not right. Its not fair to the kids either. Its not fair that I'm dangling him on a string wondering what I'm going to do with him and our marriage. It's all in my hands now and I feel powerless. To top it off...I have met a guy through work, and he makes my heart just FREAK out whenever I see him. I just don't feel that way towards my husband anymore. I wish it so bad sometimes, but it just doesn't anymore ever since he did that to me, he lied to me...he dishonored our vows and I feel like if I took him back, he would do it all over again, the fighting won't stop...what the hell do I do?! ANYBODY! HELP?

draconis

Well lets cover a few things if e is wrong for what he did how does you emotional affair rate? How can you throw him down when you are doing the same thing now?

One thing I noticed was neither of you acted very mature, and both of you lack true COMMUNICATION skills that will be vital in any relationship.

Do I think you can save your marriage, move on and be happy yes. However, you have to want it enough to put your all into the marriage.

So here is the big question, down in your gut what do you really want?

draconis

Ask Eve

here with draconis. You need to sit down and have a good long think abut what YOU want here. You are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. Do you think you will ever be able to trust him again? Are you still in love with him? Do you think things will improve with time? Is HE willing to work and compromise to improve things?

Remember, it is always much healthier for children to live in two "happy" homes than one where there is fighting and bickering. They'll pick up on it and it will make them insecure too as they grow older.

~Eve~

Greatermindset

I think a better question would be, are you in the relationship to see what you can get or to give? Cause we all know, everyone wants to be loved. It's just how we go about it.

One thing I've noticed is, whenever love is withheld because the person thinks it will help them in some way, protect them, avoid pain or whatever it is, it ALWAYS ends in pain.

I'm willing to bet the marriage turned into what they can get and not what they can give.

For this marriage to turn around, you must get out of yourself and get into the other person. Look at meeting their needs. Make their happiness your happiness and when they're sad, it crushes your soul to see them feel that way. When they're in that position, do everything in your power and love them enough to make them happy again. A partners behaviour generally reflects their own behaviour. Give in a way where love is accepted by the partner and you'll find they'll want to give back in return. Make sure they feel it in a way where it means love to them, not in a way where you think it should mean love to them, cause it can easily be mis-interpreted and vary the results.

Without this fundamental shift of coming from a place from love, there's very little chance a marriage will survive. or it may survive, you'll have a friendship, and they may love each other, but there will be no passion, which is really no different than being dead on the inside. We've all seen that around us at some stage, more often than we care to admit and it's not a pretty sight.

Once a person is coming from a place of love and wants to give, it's so easy to meet your partners 6 human needs at levels 8s, 9s, and 10s. It will almost become effortless cause it comes from a place of love where you just want to give, you don't have to consciously think about it so much and worry about what you can get.

If anyone wants to read up more about this, I refer to it as the 4 levels of relationships. You can read it here.

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The 6 human needs

Amplexor

Getting married young works for many people. As Drac said the problem appears to be in the communication. Neither of you are speaking about the core issues in the marriage. Just fighting about “stupid stuff.” Classic example of poor communication. Your husband is wrong and playing a dangerous game in reconnecting with a former girl friend. You are just as wrong in “taking your eye off the ball” in your relationship with your coworker. Can’t you see that your feelings for him are jading your views of your husband. You are just as bound to “honor your vows” as he is. In order for you to have a chance at reconciliation, both of you need to end contract with your perspective temptations and concentrate on your marriage. Question, why is counseling pointless in your opinion?

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Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp