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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 02-09-2013, 02:27 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My Story

I was brought to this site because I googled "my wife doesn't love me anymore." I read some of the forums and saw there were a lot of people with the same problems I'm currently having. I decided to joing because I need to write my feelings down, get some feedback, and hopefully get back to the way things were.

I've been married for 8 years. We have a 7g, 5g, and baby boy. Sex and our relationship has always been good. However, after our son was born my wife's sex drive went to zero. There was literally nothing I could do that would make her want to have sex. Some nights she would just take her panties off and say "just get it over with" and just lay there.

I recently had a very high profile event for work where everyone brough their husband or wife. It was a black tie event and everyone was dressed up. I thought she would have a blast getting her hair done and picking out a dress. About a week before the event she said she wasn't going. I asked why and she said she just didn't want to go. I let her know this was going to make me look like a complete clown in front of my bosses and co-workers. I had already bought both our tickets and we were sitting with people we knew. I went to this event and endured questions throughout the night about my wife. Extremely embarassing. This was about 2 months ago and our relationship has been going downhill since.

She stays at home, no job. We both agreed that her job was focus on raising our family while I worked. Well, the laundry is rarely done and I often find pizza ordered when I get home. That or some other BS dinner is cooked when we have plenty of groceries.

She told me the other night she could go the rest of her life without sex but then said I never romance her. I've asked her what her idea of romance is and she says that I know but just refuse. I honestly have no idea. I tried cleaning the house, doing the dishes, making dinner, anything to help around the house. Nothing works. I'm now at the point where I don't want to do anything nice for her. I have a hard time even sleeping in the bed with her right now because I'm so unhappy. I'll probably sleep on the couch tonight.

This week I stopped telling her I love her and she's followed suit. I think we're crashing and burning fast. We have a beautiful family and I don't want to lose it. I just can't bring myself to work something out with her because I'm just so mad and unhappy.

I did find it funny that when I came home from work today that she had ordered pizza again. She always has a pizza just for me because I like a bunch of stuff on it which her and the girls don't like. Well, she had two cheese pizzas ordered tonight. So obviously she's showing she doesn't care.

I don't want a failed marriage. I don't want my kids to go through a divorce. But I don't think I can live like this. I think I will have a heart attack from stress just trying to survive living with her. I never understood why some guys drink a lot but I can actually understand it now. They drink to numb the pain. It's not me but it makes sense. So clear now.

I know I'm not perfect in this either. I can always improve things about myself and my actions. This is a theraputic action for me to just put this down and let you read this. I'm going to try and stay strong.
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Old 02-09-2013, 02:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Story

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you, doing things you enjoy together?
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Old 02-09-2013, 02:56 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Zero time together. Our kids are in bed by 7:30 pm which gives us a couple hours to ourselves. This should be our time together but it's not. I try to initiate anything and she tells me I'm being annoying and that she just wants to watch her shows.

She tells me this is her only personal time and that she just wants to relax. I was okay with that for a while but she stopped coming to bed at a reasonable hour. I get up at 5:00 am to go to work so I can't be staying up late or else I'm worthless at work. When I do wait up for her she tells me she's tired and to just leave her alone.

So now I just go back to a spare room we have and geek out on the computer with some random video games. Then she gets mad at me for playing games. I tell her I'll throw my computer away right now if she'll come to bed. She then tells me I'm not "getting any" so don't worry about.

So right now we have this cycle that just keeps repeating itself.
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Old 02-09-2013, 03:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Well there is your answer. A couple has to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, doing things that they enjoy. Without that time the passion dies.

So the only time you have together is after 7:30 and you start out by trying to initiate something.

You are the one who is here, so you are the one who is going to get the suggestions of what to do to fix things.

You have to reconnect with her by just spending time with her. Sit with her every night for a while and watch her shows. Get her a drink (something like wine if you two drink it) and just sit with her. Talk about her shows, laugh with her. Ask her about her day.

You two need to have dates once a week. Get a babysitter and get out together.

This is a lot of what she means when she says that you are not romantic.

Get the book “His Needs, Her Needs”, read it and do the things it suggests. That’s a good place to start.
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Old 02-09-2013, 03:54 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I dunno, I'm thinking PPD. A new baby and a sudden, drastic change in your wife... Sounds like she's neglecting everything, not just you. Can you get her to see her doctor?

(PPD is post-partum depression, in case you don't know.)
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:06 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm going to try this. Thank you for the advice.

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Well there is your answer. A couple has to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, doing things that they enjoy. Without that time the passion dies.

So the only time you have together is after 7:30 and you start out by trying to initiate something.

You are the one who is here, so you are the one who is going to get the suggestions of what to do to fix things.

You have to reconnect with her by just spending time with her. Sit with her every night for a while and watch her shows. Get her a drink (something like wine if you two drink it) and just sit with her. Talk about her shows, laugh with her. Ask her about her day.

You two need to have dates once a week. Get a babysitter and get out together.

This is a lot of what she means when she says that you are not romantic.

Get the book “His Needs, Her Needs”, read it and do the things it suggests. That’s a good place to start.
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Old 02-09-2013, 10:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I've told her I think she has this but she says no. I'll look into the PPD symptoms. Thank you for the advice.

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Originally Posted by northernlights View Post
I dunno, I'm thinking PPD. A new baby and a sudden, drastic change in your wife... Sounds like she's neglecting everything, not just you. Can you get her to see her doctor?

(PPD is post-partum depression, in case you don't know.)
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Old 02-09-2013, 01:53 PM   #8 (permalink)
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She doesn't feel emotionally connected to you. Women need affection to want sex and men want sex to feel affection. Be the one to break the circle. Show her you are thinking of her. Text her during the day, give her a hug, write her a note, call her honey or dear, ask her if she needs your help with something, ask her to lay in bed with you and cuddle, no sex involved. Try this for a while. Hopefully it will awaken something in her. If you already do these things then sorry I have nothing to add.
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Old 02-10-2013, 07:20 AM   #9 (permalink)
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How old is the baby? Is she breastfeeding? Is she on any kind of hormonal birth control at all? Both of those things can kill your drive entirely, esp. if you have 3 kids under 7. But it does sound like she is unhappy or depressed.
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