BlindsidedinVA

Sorry if this is a rambling post. I'm still trying to process everything that has happened.

Some backstory:

My Wife and I have been together for over 12 years married for 5. We started dating in the middle of high school, throughout college and another year after college before we got married. We're both 28. She's a military officer and has all the responsibilities that go along with that. We have a nearly 2 year old son who has had some major health concerns over his short life though it looks like we'll be out of the woods soon in that regards.

She recently returned from a 9 month deployment which was rough in terms of the separation from my wife but it was manageable because I moved back to where we grew up where our friends and family still live. We also tried to video chat every night if we could and emailed or chatted regularly. Towards the end of the deployment I started sensing more and more emotional detachment from her. Due to the holidays and being separated I know she was having a rough time, just like I was but all I wanted to do on friday night or Saturday night was to talk to my wife. She on the other hand wanted to go out and hang out with friends.

Eventually it got to the point where we would video chat maybe once or twice a week, and the emails got shorter and the chatting for more sporadic. One of the nights when we were chatting I logged into her email and saw that she was flirting with another guy who she had met while on deployment. I confronted her about this and she said it didn't mean anything and promised to end it. I know she still talked to him while she was deployed but I expected the communication to end when she returned home.

Unfortunately now I know that is not the case. In fact I know that she had an affair while she was deployed and that she's making plans to see him again in a month or so, on the auspices of visiting her college roommate/best friend.

When she got home I could still sense the emotional detachment. She has said that I am overly dependent on her and that she needs me to be an independent person before she can figure out if she still wants to be with me. We both came to the conclusion that while we loved each other and cared for each others' well being that we were not IN love with each other, and we weren't sure how long it had been that way. She says she sacrificed a lot of what she wanted because of our relationship and not wanting to upset me such as studying abroad in college or not going for a more operational billet when her orders came up for changes.

She said that she doesn't think I can figure out what I want or become an independent person while we are still together so she wants a separation. With a son who is 2 years old I told her I don't think thats the only viable option to figure out what we want out of life. We haven't been fighting these last two weeks as we are keeping things pretty cordial for the sake of our son but at this point I'm at my wits end.

I started counseling last week to work on my dependency and jealousy issues and I've asked her to go to marriage counseling with me. She agreed at first and now is unsure if she is emotionally capable of handling marriage counseling because of how much emotion counseling brings out. I should note that she is a mental health professional so she has background in the field and thus knows what will occur during counseling.

Military rules aside regarding adultery, I don't want to ruin her career. I just want her to be honest with me about everything so I can move forward with my life, whether or not is includes her as my wife. With a child in the mix I know I will have to deal with her for years to come so I would rather things be cordial.

She has not told me about the affair, but as an engineer she should know better than to try and hide things from me. I suspected from the outset that there was more to it than she let on so when she returned home I was able to better grasp what was happening.

At any rate I'm not sure what to do. I just left my job again to move back with our son to be with her yet she is not emotionally with me and she isn't sure if or when she will be with me. I know she fully intends to separate from me.

I love her still, and she meant the world to me but without the honesty and communication and emotional connection what is left in a relationship? She said she is going to start individual therapy to work through her own issues yet I don't know how long I'm willing to sit and wait for her, and she hasn't set a timeline on me making changes of my own. Regardless of if things do work out between us, and I truly hope they do work out, the changes I'm trying to make will be good for me either way in this relationship or in the future.

I'm sure I've left stuff out but thats all I can think of right now.

Any thoughts?

BlindsidedinVA

BlindsidedinVA

Another thing I just thought of. During the height of the arguing while she was deployed I told her that I wasn't sure if I or our relationship could recover for any sort of infidelity...

BlindsidedinVA

small update, more info on what been going on in my other thread in the infidelity forum:

We're talking more, I've confronted her and she cut things off with the other man, supposedly. I want to work on us but she doesn't think she can commit fully to our relationship while she doesn't fully know what she wants out of life and our relationship. And she doesn't think she can figure that out while we're still together so she is pushing really hard for a separation. Originally she said it was so I could figure things out myself but now she says its for her to figure things out. I don't know what to do.

I'm still in love with her I want to be with her but it hurts every day when I see that she isn't fully committed to us and working on us.

tacoma

You know she's pushing for this seperation so hard because it will enable her to be with the OM don't you?

That's her only real reason whether she realizes it herself or not
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BlindsidedinVA

Thats what it seems like to me though she supposedly cut off communication with him so I'm not sure how that would work. He's still deployed.

Plan 9 from OS

You can tell me to sh!t in my hat if you want to because I have never experienced anything like this in my marriage. IMHO, a separation is a recipe for disaster. Either you stay together and commit to working it out or you divorce. I would not accept a separation in my marriage. It's too much of a gray zone where a lot of couples can basically cake eat.

BlindsidedinVA

I don't want a separation, by any means but I don't know what to do. It feels like she wants to cake eat. Some of her friends are in committed relationships and seem to be pushing her towards working on us. Some are recently separated/divorced, some are having affairs so you know where they are pushing. I think the separation is BS to be honest. I think we both need some space to think and process but I do not want to separate completely. I might have to go out of town for a week for work which will give us some breathing room but in the end I want to be working together everyday on our relationship. I just don't know if she wants to as well and I don't know if a separation will change her mind one way or another.

tacoma

You're not really processing it Blindsided which is common and understandable but I`ll tell you again...

She doesn't want a separation to work out how she feels about your relationship.
She's not concerned with "changing her mind" about you.

She wants some room to carry on her affair.

I don't care if he's 10 thousand miles away from her she will carry it on in whatever fashion she can and it'll be much easier with 0 repercussions if she can do so without you looking over her shoulder.

I could be wrong but the odds are with me in a big way.

A separation will put you in a weaker position to sway her mind towards you.
If she starts spending more stress free happy time with her AP you're going to have a nearly impossible job of getting her back.

When she's with him or talking to him it's all lovey and sexy and sweet.
This is attractive.

When she's with you it's stressful and forces her to face her own failures.
This is unattractive.

You have got to keep her away from him as much as possible or you'll lose her.

Married in VA

OP,
You need to report this to her executive officer RIGHT NOW. Is this OM on the ship with her? Is he enlisted? I am a Senior Chief in the Navy and see this behavior ALL THE TIME. We don't stand for adultery in the military, ESPECIALLY in the officer ranks. At her pay grade she knows better.

By telling her chain of command you will not ruin her career. Her XO will scold her and order her to stop that behavior. If SHE chooses to not stop the behavior, then SHE WILL BE RUINING HER CAREER, not you. I already see you rationalizing and enabling her affair, CUT IT OUT.

Tacoma is right, you must make it has hard and uncomfortable for her to be with/communicate with the OM. Expose to her chain of command and family. Let them know you are fighting for the marriage and your son.

No separation. If she wants to move out, then she moves out and your son stays with you. She pays child support. Since you are in VA, if your incomes are vastly different, she helps you pay the household expenses on behalf of your son.

She needs to go 100% no contact with the OM FOR LIFE. You two write a letter stating no contact or criminal charges will be filed. She mails it in your presence. You have all passwords and can verify no contact.

Your wife messed up big time. She had a deployment affair. You are at home raising your son and she is shaking her a$$ in clubs overseas. Not good. Put a stop to this now.

tacoma

Why didn't I catch this?

MIV is correct BIV you have serious leverage over her to stop this affair.

Inform her CO and pass on any incriminating evidence you can find to him.
He'll shut it down or she'll lose her job .

You can't wade into this, the best results always come from a thermonuclear confrontation.

Stop it hard and fast and from out of nowhere.