What to do? young kid involved
Sorry if this is a rambling post. I'm still trying to process everything that has happened.
My Wife and I have been together for over 12 years married for 5. We started dating in the middle of high school, throughout college and another year after college before we got married. We're both 28. She's a military officer and has all the responsibilities that go along with that. We have a nearly 2 year old son who has had some major health concerns over his short life though it looks like we'll be out of the woods soon in that regards.
She recently returned from a 9 month deployment which was rough in terms of the separation from my wife but it was manageable because I moved back to where we grew up where our friends and family still live. We also tried to video chat every night if we could and emailed or chatted regularly. Towards the end of the deployment I started sensing more and more emotional detachment from her. Due to the holidays and being separated I know she was having a rough time, just like I was but all I wanted to do on friday night or Saturday night was to talk to my wife. She on the other hand wanted to go out and hang out with friends.
Eventually it got to the point where we would video chat maybe once or twice a week, and the emails got shorter and the chatting for more sporadic. One of the nights when we were chatting I logged into her email and saw that she was flirting with another guy who she had met while on deployment. I confronted her about this and she said it didn't mean anything and promised to end it. I know she still talked to him while she was deployed but I expected the communication to end when she returned home.
Unfortunately now I know that is not the case. In fact I know that she had an affair while she was deployed and that she's making plans to see him again in a month or so, on the auspices of visiting her college roommate/best friend.
When she got home I could still sense the emotional detachment. She has said that I am overly dependent on her and that she needs me to be an independent person before she can figure out if she still wants to be with me. We both came to the conclusion that while we loved each other and cared for each others' well being that we were not IN love with each other, and we weren't sure how long it had been that way. She says she sacrificed a lot of what she wanted because of our relationship and not wanting to upset me such as studying abroad in college or not going for a more operational billet when her orders came up for changes.
She said that she doesn't think I can figure out what I want or become an independent person while we are still together so she wants a separation. With a son who is 2 years old I told her I don't think thats the only viable option to figure out what we want out of life. We haven't been fighting these last two weeks as we are keeping things pretty cordial for the sake of our son but at this point I'm at my wits end.
I started counseling last week to work on my dependency and jealousy issues and I've asked her to go to marriage counseling with me. She agreed at first and now is unsure if she is emotionally capable of handling marriage counseling because of how much emotion counseling brings out. I should note that she is a mental health professional so she has background in the field and thus knows what will occur during counseling.
Military rules aside regarding adultery, I don't want to ruin her career. I just want her to be honest with me about everything so I can move forward with my life, whether or not is includes her as my wife. With a child in the mix I know I will have to deal with her for years to come so I would rather things be cordial.
She has not told me about the affair, but as an engineer she should know better than to try and hide things from me. I suspected from the outset that there was more to it than she let on so when she returned home I was able to better grasp what was happening.
At any rate I'm not sure what to do. I just left my job again to move back with our son to be with her yet she is not emotionally with me and she isn't sure if or when she will be with me. I know she fully intends to separate from me.
I love her still, and she meant the world to me but without the honesty and communication and emotional connection what is left in a relationship? She said she is going to start individual therapy to work through her own issues yet I don't know how long I'm willing to sit and wait for her, and she hasn't set a timeline on me making changes of my own. Regardless of if things do work out between us, and I truly hope they do work out, the changes I'm trying to make will be good for me either way in this relationship or in the future.
I'm sure I've left stuff out but thats all I can think of right now.